Hockey Is Back

Max and Markus both participated in the Grizz Cup this weekend. With a total of nine games in 96 hours I would say hockey is back!

My letter to Ben

Today I read my finished apology letter to my ex-husband that I started in November. I feel profoundly grateful and at peace. I wrote and read the letter with peace as my only motive.

One year ago I could only feel sadness, loss and despair. Now I feel peace and my world is expanding. For the first time, I can now see (truly see) and love the father of my children free from the need or desire that he provide me with anything or do anything for me.

I felt grateful to myself for the sense of peace and authenticity that I was able to maintain throughout the divorce process. I noticed that I did get upset at one point as we were talking afterwards and that I reacted with defensiveness starting from a desire to be heard. I noticed and I stopped and went back to being present. We were able to have a friendly conversation and share joys and hopes for our children with an ease and connection that I had never been able to feel with him before.

I feel that I have helped make a change in our way of talking that opens the door to healing for myself and for our family. I am grateful to myself for my persistence in being healthy.

11/19/2012

Dear Ben,

When we were married I wasn’t able to find or acknowledge very much acceptance within me towards you. In our 22+ years together I don’t believe I was ever fully real with you and I don’t believe that I ever really truly felt that from you. There were times when I came a little bit close like when I watched you ride your bike. Those were rare moments when I did not judge you. I felt love, I saw beauty and I really admired you.

I would like to express what I appreciate about you.

I appreciate your ability to see what is good in others, especially our children.

I appreciate that you manage money well so that you could offer us not only security and stability but also many opportunities like travel, private preschool, hockey, summers at the pool.

I appreciate your gentle nature, your desire to be helpful and your generosity in sharing your time and attention with our boys, and others. I appreciate your loyalty during our marriage.

I appreciate that you did the best you knew how to help me be happy and your willingness to go to counseling with me and try to make our marriage succeed.

I appreciate your patience and tolerance and your impressive ability to not hold onto grudges.

Ben, you have given me many gifts.

First and most important are our 3 lovable, smart and handsome boys, Morgen, Max and Markus.

You also gave me financial security before, during and after our marriage.

For these things I am forever grateful.

I admire you. What I see and admire in you is:

Generosity
Gentleness
Caring
Patience

Ben, during our marriage I did many things that hurt you.

I expected you to be competent in many ways and I held it against you and I was cold and critical of you when you didn’t meet my expectations.

I insinuated many times that you and what you were doing was not good enough and that you should change and I didn't talk to you when you didn’t understand and agree with me.

There were times when I didn’t act like a partner in our marriage like when I made decisions about things that affected both of us without consulting you.

I often ignored your attempts to reach out physically to me and I judged your efforts to be not enough. I talked to other people about our relationship and didn’t care how you felt and I left.

During our marriage I put a lot of pressure on you to change.

I didn't listen to you when you told me that you were content with working from home for yourself and didn't want to go to school. In equal measure, I put pressure on myself to change and pressure on Morgen to change. I was very hard on all of us and I didn't understand when you were apathetic and withdrawn.

When I carried the belief that you and I needed to change, I put a great deal of attention on how we hadn't changed and I constantly pushed myself and you. I focused on what I wanted. I compared us to others.

What I imagine that it cost you is many years of not receiving collaboration and support and not being given the opportunity to feel the joy of me receiving your communication and support.

It cost me the ability to see, experience and support your strengths and to know you. It cost me the opportunities to receive your love and caring. It cost me the experience of my own self-acceptance and the experience of giving unconditional love. It cost me my confidence.

I had a motive for not noticing your unhappiness and for continually pushing for change. My motive was fear. I had fears that I needed to do things right or others would judge me, and not take me seriously. I was afraid of what everyone would think if you went running on Monday nights when our neighbors were having family home evening. And I was afraid that our boys would feel the isolation and pain that I felt in my life.

By extension, I believed you needed to do things right or I would be judged by others. And I see that when I believed you weren't doing it right, I judged, rejected, and left you in my mind and did not take you seriously. I equated your worth with what you did and how you did it.

I put you out of my heart. I equated my worth with what I did and how I did it. I put me out of my heart. I feel like this cost you my love, support, peace, companionship and connection. It also cost me my love, contentment, peace, support, companionship and connection both to myself and to you.

I experienced it as causing separation, heaviness and stress in our family.

I am sorry that I didn't listen to you and that I put unachievable expectations on you and blamed you when you did not meet my expectations.

For the many times and the many years that I treated you unkindly I am sincerely sorry. If there are things that I did that hurt you and that you would like me to know about or acknowledge I am ready to listen and I would like to hear them.

I am profoundly sorry for the stress I have caused you and our boys and am willing to do what ever I can to make it better.

Please tell me. I am committed to living my life differently than I did in the past. The ways that I have decided to do this are:

1. To notice when I have the thought that someone else, especially those closest to me like our boys, should do or be in a particular way and then look at how I can be or do it myself. My goal is to never tell another person what they should be or do or how they should think or act and if I do to notice and make amends as quickly as possible.

2. Another way is to stop blaming anyone or anything for how I feel or experience life.

3. Also, when I notice that someone has contributed toward my well being that I will acknowledge them by telling them in person or in a note as soon as possible.

If you ever feel that I am blaming you, accusing you or criticizing you I ask that you point it out to me because I am sincerely working on not seeing you, or anyone for that matter, as my opponent or enemy.

I am grateful to you. I am grateful that you are the father of my children, they love you and I do too.

Love,

B

P.S. After writing this letter I loved how it helped me see that I am what I believe another is. It revealed to me how my actions are exactly what I dislike about another.

I hope that this letter helps people who are supposedly suffering in a relationship see themselves as they truly are. It looks like it’s a new beginning for me and I’m sure there is more to be learned.

More Fun in the Sun

Markus had his day in the sun this time when his hockey team was undefeated going into the championship game to play Park City.

Fun times.

Merry Christmas

From our family to yours.

Sun Shines in Sun Valley

Max's hockey weekend in Sun Valley. My sister Darlin was sweet enough to let us stay with her. She came to a game and took us skating with her afterwards. What a fun way to spend a weekend.

Blogging

First day of December. I can't wait to enjoy a few festivities downtown over the next few weeks. Right now I'm most excited about doing some gift shopping (I always love the chance to check some items off my christmas list.) And, I'm excited about the first presidency Christmas devotional. I've never been to one! Five years ago I never imagined my life as being like it is today. If I hadn't written about it, I might not remember all that has taken place. I am grateful.

Do you still blog or write in a journal?

I was given a journal as a marriage present. I never once wrote anything negative in it. Not a single bad word about anyone. It's like there were too many messy things in the closet. Writing them down would be so hard. Yet writing without mentioning them seemed to feel artificial. So the book remained a sort of gratitude journal I guess. Trying to focus on the positive was an accurate record of how I felt at the time.

As soon as my marriage ended, even that first weekend in November after he left, I pulled out that old journal and began writing as I sobbed:

"I am sadly ending this journal on a very sad note. He's gone. How did I get here? I want to feel comfort, safety, peace. I need to have faith in my life. I want to feel whole. I know I do not need a spouse to feel peace and happiness...to feel OK just being a daughter of God."

Although I didn't think I could, it felt so good to do it. I am in the process of reclaiming my voice, thus the fact that I am willing (and able) to write anything at all.

My voice is getting stronger and stronger. And even though there have been days since that I have shied away from recording anything in my life, I want to keep writing. So I can remember. 

What a difference five years makes. It makes me think a lot more about journaling. I think there's something extra going on that I'm just starting to realize. I see that it demands I am true to myself. It demands vulnerability. It's very hard to fake anything in a journal. It's a record of my soul. And I think the act of writing in a journal or blog (or the inability to write in it) can reveal a lot about me, if I allow myself to admit it....

Sweet November

It's a to-do list I made to remember the divorce bucket list I'd started when I was getting ready to separate from my husband. Since then -- the first anniversary of my saying "I want a divorce" -- I've done so many things and crossed off a lot of items. But I think I need to update it with more fun stuff, and I need to take stock of how far I've come. So here's my very personal divorce list.

1. Paint a wall pink. I haven't done this literally, but I've made a few girly decorating changes around my home that Ben would have vetoed.
2. Write my will. I need to do this! I did have one before though.
3. Have a make out session. I got married young and Mormon, so I missed out on this before I got married.
4. Have lunch with my friends. Mandatory, as much as possible.
5. Take a trip alone. Not a single-mom vacation with the kids -- ALONE, preferably overseas, in a foreign country, or at a beach.
6. Buy flowers for myself. Because they make me happy and I know exactly the kind I want.
   
7. Go out as mutton dressed like lamb. No one will die as a result.
8. Get in shape. I started with Zumba class and have now added yoga. This helps ward off depression, makes me feel energetic and powerful, and okay, maybe helps me look a bit better, too.
9. Get a grip on my finances. Where is my money coming from, how much do I have, where is it all going? What are my goals?
10. Meditate. I need to get back in the habit, but this practice really carried me through some tough months.
    
11. Get a theme song. I change mine from time to time, but I need something that makes me feel like a superhero.
    
12. Flake. I've become an expert.
13. Do therapy. Can't even imagine doing divorce without this.
    
14. Get a massage. (Why stop at one?)
15. Swim in the ocean naked. (Still haven't done this one.)
16. Get my cards read. Getting insight into my life from someone who didn't know me, who wasn't a therapist, either, was so enlightening.
17. Learn to say no. I needed to set new limits so I wouldn't feel overwhelmed -- or guilty.
18. Learn to say yes. On the other hand, saying yes to trying new things helped me move forward.
19. Sleep in ridiculously late while my boys are at dad's. One benefit of my family now living in two different households.
20. Sleep in my bed diagonally. Because I can.
21. Watch a movie alone. This is so fun, I'd recommend it for married women, too.
22. Flirt with strangers. They just might flirt back.
23. Go grocery shopping with my sunglasses on. (This was for the first day or two after being separated.)
24. Spend a day in bed crying. Get up the next day and move on with my life.
25. Take a dance class. Dancing forces you to think one step ahead and stay light on your feet.
    
26. Start a Pinterest board. Yeah, I'm that big of a dork. 
27. Make a list of everything I want in my next boyfriend. Because hope is healthy.
28. Date outside my type. How'd that type work out last time? Not so great, right? Yup, time to try something new.
    
29. Buy and wear something stylish that makes me feel hot. Just so I remember I'm still youngish and alive.
30. Learn to make myself happy alone. Before I start dating.
31. Watch Hope Floats. This is the best divorce movie ever.
32. Pay it forward and talk with a friend who just separated from her husband. I need to do this more often, but it's how I show my gratitude to the friends who helped me.
33. Find something about my marriage to laugh about. Remember the good times, go easy on us both.
34. Become my own handyman. I now know how to unclog the pipes under my sink! I'm not saying I like doing this, but I like knowing that I can.
35. Spend a week in Ireland. Doing that soon!
36. Read journals from before I was married. That helped me remember who I was before and why I got married in the first place.
37. Eat ice cream for dinner. I did this once and was shocked at how good it made me feel. And then I never did it ever, ever again.
38. Learn how to walk in high heels. Sexy and dignified at the same time -- it's possible. I think?
39. Stay up all night writing. Maybe it could just be a country song? Move on and think about the role I played in my relationship.
40. Learn to forgive. That's when I'm truly free.
    
41. Get my RN license. Still working on this.
42. Buy myself an "I'm Divorced" ring. As soon as it was finalized, friend.

Final

I finished my final in my CNA class today with a 99.5%. I just have two more clinicals and I will be able to submit my application to the state for testing which in turn will put me on the completed pre-requisites list for nursing school.

My divorce was final today as well.

Filling The Holes

In this beautiful world, most everyone has holes that are punched into the fabric of their lives by painful past experiences, tearing their souls. At lunch on Wednesday with Laurie, I was inspired to heal my holes, so they can't limit my life and prevent me from reaching my potential. I know God doesn’t want me to have holes; He wants me to be whole: full of the power to fulfill all of His great purposes for me. In praying with Laurie over the delicious pork tacos that she invited me to come and share with her - I thought of these ways to fill the holes in my life. I looked into the hole of religion. Religion that doesn’t reflect the reality of who Christ is leaves me with holes that point to rituals and rules as ends in themselves rather than as ways to express my faith in Christ. When I did have religious holes in my soul, I struggled with guilt, mistakenly thinking that Christ won’t really love me because I sin differently than someone else, or that I constantly have to impress Him in order to come unto Him. I believe in Christ because of people who have earned my trust, and I didn't always distinguish between sinful people and Christ, who never sins. My belief in Him couldn't lead to any real change in my life because it would escape through the holes in my soul before I could put it into action.

I stopped trying to earn God’s love through how well I'm performing my primary president calling, and instead felt the unconditional love that He offers me. I feel my Savior's love in all the world around me. I'm relying on Heavenly Father's power working through me to live faithfully; not my own limited efforts. When I was laying in the recliner giving blood at church later that same day, I was hit with the reality of learning from these good, good people in the church, at the same time allowing them to be human and realized I need God’s grace just as much as they do. I trust that when I pray about how to relate to different people, God’s love will cover each situation and work it out for the best.

I feel like I can grow closer to Him and become the person He wants me to become once the religious holes in my life are filled.

While it’s fine to enjoy the various roles that I've been given to fulfill in life -- from my personal roles (like mother, sister, or friend) to my professional role in my work – if I define myself by those roles, I'll get more holes in my soul. My identity as a daughter of God comes only from my relationship with God; only that can truly fulfill me. My roles can bless my life, but only my relationship with God can actually change my life in the ways that matter most. My roles, while important, are temporary. My individual worth as God’s beloved daughter is eternal. Even when all of my roles have been taken away, nothing can ever separate me from Heavenly Father's love for me as one of His daughter's.

I realized, while watching and listening to my friend Mindy through the course of her birthday lunch on Friday, that your relationship with God is all that ultimately matters in your life – and it’s enough, even if you don’t fulfill any other role in life than simply a person whom God loves. So I made a conscious decision not to let my roles define me, even though I enjoy them, I realized that while I may lose them at any time I'll still be okay. I want to invest the best of my time and energy into growing my relationship with God, like my friends, I can see that’s what’s most important in life. I have watched her for years as she has derived her sense of personal worth from the knowledge of God’s great love for all of us.

I read this today: "Distinguish between your experiences and what life circumstances you’ve gone through, but your story is the journey that you and He have taken together in your life. Painful past experiences may punch holes in your soul, if you let the pain they’ve left you with hold you back from fulfilling God’s purposes for you. Past experiences may limit your life and potential, unless you invite God to fill the holes that they have left within you."

I can heal the holes from past experiences. While I look past the pain of the painful experiences I've gone through I can learn the valuable lessons that God wants me to learn. I understand that my marriage was not a failure because it helped me get to know Christ better. I believe what success means from God’s perspective is drawing closer to God in the effort to serve Him. My home teacher, Steve, said goodbye today as he leaves with his wife to fulfill an inner-city mission. He was a great example of someone using that definition (instead of the world’s definition of success) to consider past experiences from God’s perspective and see how worthwhile they really were. He told me that knowing God is the greatest experience you can ever have, so whenever an experience teaches you something more about God, it’s a blessing. I love that.

I know what God thinks matters more than anyone else in life. I can heal from all these holes in my soul because I have come to the end of myself, and I look back to see that none of my own efforts were enough to heal me, and I'm choosing to rely fully on God for the healing I need.

It is interesting that I saw my friend Kate's post on this the same week that Laurie, Mindy and Steve all talked to me. Make your relationship with God your top priority in life, and center everything else around it. I have hope that God will fill me up with His power every day as I wholeheartedly go after a closer relationship with Him.

N'icely Done

Markus skated great tonight versus the Jr. Grizzlies A team. They still won 7-1 but it was a fun game to watch. My mom and dad came down just to see his game.

Afterwards we rushed out to the real grizzlies game that Max had free tickets to, and watched as the big boys played. Nice.

Game 2

Park City came down to our ice tonight to play another game. Max scored the only goal and Park City had 7. Better games to come.

Fighting for peace with Zeus and Molly

Markus has been climbing the staircase with his improvised climbing gear. He loves to climb at the climbing gym. So he got creative and used some ropes and hooks he found in the garage, added some rubber bands, key rings, and safety pins for karabiners. He loves being outside but when it's raining he makes do with being indoors pretending he is climbing.

He will fit right in with Morgen's new dog he brought home Tuesday night. Zeus is his name and Molly does not like him. At all. She barks and gnashes her terrible teeth. And growls her terrible growl. And Zeus just walks away. Markus has been trying to help them get along with each other and so far it hasn't worked. He keeps putting Molly inside and she barks and growls at Zeus who is outside. While Zeus scratches at the door trying to get in. He has torn up the door frame and peed on the floor. Today I borrowed a crate from Myles' mom, Kelly, and she said that her daughter Annabelle volunteered to train Zeus. I might just take her up on it.

Meanwhile Markus is climbing the stairs while reciting the poem he memorized at school:

JABBERWOCKY

Lewis Carroll

(from Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872)

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!

Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --

So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.


I feel like I'm living where the wild things are.

Believing In America

Max, Markus and I joined my mom last night along with my dad, Cole, my sister Monet and Aria for a night of calling on behalf of the Utah Republican Party. Better known as: Mitt Romney.

{Max thought it was funny that they had an Obama statue in the call center.}

Markus loved the treats. Max and Aria did a great job of making the calls all on their own, and we helped the center to reach their call goal tonight of 7,000.

10-11-12

{Ride this morning with Kelly - up big cottonwood canyon.}

 

Show this evening with Markus at his school - For the silent auction and dinner tonight.

 

{He loved petting this snake that was 18 feet long!}

Elder

{Tanner said goodbye for two years today.}

I know he will be a great missionary. It is just that - I am going to miss him. I know his sister Sierra will too.

Serenity

Morgen brought his girlfriend Serenity home with him after school today. They also brought an Alaskan husky with them named Zeus. Molly was not enjoying the visit and they left soon after.

And then tonight while I was at hockey practice for the boys, Morgen texts:

"Kayla's moving out of town so she wants to know if we can keep Zeus for like 8 months?"

I don't think Molly would like that.

"Can we leave Zeus in the back for like 2 hours then while we go to a dollar movie?"

Yes. You can leave her in the backyard.

Four hours - Zeus is still here.

*********************************************************************************

Morgen told Kayla he would take her dog for her since she was moving. He told me tonight that he is moving to Oregon when he graduates in eight months, and he is taking Zeus with him. Serenity wants to go to Oregon State and so he is going with her.

Happy Birthday

My brother is another year older today. Happy birthday Bro. Hope it is a good one. Xo

A Day at The Park

...Park City that is. Max had his first Lightning game early this morning at 6 am and so I took him up to stay at my Mom's house last night.

He played great and was sweaty after the game that ended with a 4-2 score for P.C. He took a bath once we went back to my parent's house and a long nap during conference. I enjoyed relaxing with my mom and dad and listening to conference. It was an enjoyable day.

Movers, Wavers, and Savers

Oh my goodness. What a day.

Amanda took her Intermediate Moves in the field test this morning and passed, by all three judges, on her first attempt!!! She was pretty excited. Her friend Paulette, that she lives with, came down to support her.

Mom took all the grandkids to Flow Rider this afternoon for the annual cousins party that she gave them all for Christmas. Since Tanner is leaving on Wednesday, she had to schedule it before he leaves. The boys had a great time and Max stood up on his board on his first try! Right before he fell down. Lol

Markus had his first game this afternoon versus the Jr. Grizzlies Squirt B team and played like a peewee. :) Lightning had 34 shots on the net while the Grizz had 16. Final score was tied 4-4 and it didn't represent the game very well. The Grizz goalie had more than double the saves.

New Jersey

Markus was excited to get his new Lightning jersey tonight at practice. Coach Matt told him he could go home and sleep in it! Lol

His first game is tomorrow. Let's go Lightning!