http://youtu.be/67qworViFpY

Moonstruck

“If you do nothing unexpected, nothing unexpected happens.” ~Fay Weldon

Sometimes in life I get these crazy ideas and suddenly decide to grab the steering wheel, and make a hard right from the road of life. Yep, this may involve a lot of nerve and a yearning for adventure, that is part of it.

The other, more interesting part of it for me (this may sound like a bumper sticker) was to feel the fear and do it anyway.

It's about having faith that things will work out and trusting that the universe is on my side.

I didn’t know exactly why I was starting nursing school but just had a deep sense that this was what I had to do at this time in my life. Funnily enough, "the whole universe thing" became my motto, and when I started to obsess over every last logistical detail, I had to give myself a pep talk.

Once I let go of the expectation of what the experience should look like and put my inner control freak back in her place, the strangest things started to happen.

Darlin texted me last night that she was just getting her epidural.  However, part of the deal with having twins is that she is going to be taking unpaid leave. While having her own business is nice, those familiar with the being your own boss in Sun Valley will feel her pain as I type this.

Instead of panicking, she just accepted that if she isn't able to deliver without a C-section and back to work in ten days she would be fine. That’s what an emergency credit card is for. As they say these days #YOLO!!

Again, once she had given up any outcome, three days after she was due to be induced my sister Darlin and her husband Jan have their baby boys in their arms. They had some troubles with the epidural only numbing half of her body. Darlin sent me this text this morning at 5:07 am...They are here. Hallelujah!

After much victory dancing in the kitchen, I went to work. I took a break to text my friends Olivia and Heidi about going to dinner at Pizzeria Limone tonight since it turns out I could go. Cheers! 

And so, the moral of this particular story is that sometimes in life I need to stop and listen to that little voice inside that’s desperately trying to get some attention. It’s trying to provide me with the wisdom to trust and follow my heart, not my head.

Following your heart does not necessarily have to involve grinding your life to a halt and taking six weeks off work to have a baby or two; that’s just Darlin's experience. It’s about listening within to whatever it is that your heart is telling you.

It may be telling me to work less and spend more time with my family. Or have more fun in life. Or cultivate more self-care by taking a pure barre class on a regular basis, or even taking ten minutes of my day to sit quietly and just breathe.

Whatever it is, know that in doing so I am subtly making a change. Like the moon last night, it can rise up and it really does not matter how small or how big, it is beautiful. 

Some people might go all out and create huge life changes, such as moving cities, ending a toxic relationship, or changing careers. Some might just choose to create more peace in their lives or remove a bad habit that no longer serves them.

The point is that whatever you choose, if it is coming from your heart know that you will be supported throughout whether you realize it or not.

The end result might not look the way I anticipated or even have any resemblance to it. The universe works in mysterious ways, but it will provide the best for me whether I like the outcome or not; it is just easier if I do, I am here to learn and live.

Just get out of your own way, let go of attachment to outcome, and simply allow.

Understand that this is a process and we are only human, so do the best you can. I chose to bat this little voice away time and time again, like a persistent fly, focusing instead on my job and generally trying to keep my head above water.

But that little voice kept getting louder and louder until it was a roar in my ear. “Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? I’m not going to stop poking you until you stop and listen.”

Hands over my ears.

“Still not listening? What if I push you out onto the corner of Out Of Luck Ave & Bad Karma Street until you are so stressed out that you have no choice but to hold up a white flag and surrender?”

It took her quite some time to finally concede, fully surrender, and accept that she had to make some big decisions, and from those decisions, big changes. But finally, cautiously, my little sister stepped out of her comfort zone, peeking her head out much like a baby coming out of womb.

It may feel strange deciding to let that little voice take the reins of your life, even for a short while, and even incredibly terrifying, but so far it’s been the best decision Darlin has made in quite some time.

{Meet my newest nephews- Jax and Grey}

Parent Teacher Conferences and Banquets

So There's This Boy...

He stole my heart. 

He calls me mom. 

And he missed his picture for the February Top Classroom Readers because he left school a few minutes early for his hockey game in Vernal. So guess what he did? Yep - he had me take a picture of him holding his student of the month award and photoshopped himself in to the group photo. What do you think?! Looks pretty legit to me. Lol 

He had two games in Vernal - the one Friday night his team won 3-0 and the one Saturday morning they kept it close with a 7-1 victory. He played the Mustangs tonight and Ogden won 3-0. He served at 17 second penalty at the end. 

I love that he talks to me almost constantly. If he's not reading. I don't even have to ask him how his day was, he just tells me everything. Tonight he had been telling me about his book and his game and recess and literature circles and then he stopped and asked, "Am I annoying?" I told him no, I was actually just thinking how much I love you and that I love that you want to tell me about your life. He smiled and said, "I love talking to you." My heart. 

Pancakes and Snow

{Free Pancake Day!}

Like all the best things in life...today pancakes (and snow) are free. Max stayed home sick from school yesterday with a GI problem and was so hungry when he woke up today at 10:45. He reminded me that it was free pancake day and since he had the morning off (all Junior's were taking the ACT this morning) we went and enjoyed breakfast and each other's company. I love Max. As we soaked up the sweet goodness of delicious pancakes he talked about all the ways he has helped people...for free. From Max to you, with love:

1. Go to an elderly person's home and do yard work for them. 
2. Go to a nursing home and visit them. 
3. Clean a friend's room or cook a meal for them. 
4. Mow your neighbor's yard if they had surgery. 
5. Compliment someone at the grocery store. 
6. Donate sport equipment you no longer need or use to someone who can use them. 
7. Give clothes that no longer fit to children that need them. 
8. Buy hygiene kit supplies and then take the items to a homeless shelter. 
9. Smile at everyone you see, you never know a friendly smile could brighten someone's day!
10. Next time you are in the drive through, if you can afford it, pay for the car behind you. 
11. Take pizza to your aunt after she has had cancer surgery. 
12. Wash a neighbors car. 
13. Clean the whole house by the time your mom gets home from work. (Seriously!)
14. Volunteer at school - help in the office, read with a student who needs help, cut out things for the teacher, etc.
15. Buy, prepare and serve dinner at the homeless shelter. 
16. Collect shopping carts at Walmart. 
17. Create coupons for free babysitting, shoveling your driveway, and hand them out to your family members. 
18. Listen!
19. Take someone's cart inside after they finish with it at the grocery store. 
20. Donate canned food items to the food bank. 
21. Write letters to military members serving our country. 
22. Make cards for elderly people and deliver them on Christmas with a basket of fruit. 
23. Ring bells for the Salvation Army, hand out candy canes and sing carols. 
24. Snow-blow your neighbors driveway and sidewalk before they wake up in the morning. 
25. Take your neighbors trash to the street on trash day. 
26. Collect used coats and donate them to the Road Home shelter. 
27. Rake leaves in the fall. 
28. Plant flowers in the spring.
29. Water your neighbors plants when they are on vacation. 
30. Weed their garden in the summer. 
31. Carry groceries in from the car for someone who can't walk very well. 
32. Knock on your neighbor's door and ask if there is something you can do for them today. Tell them that you are trying to get 'community service' hours - so they don't feel embarrassed that you asked. 
33. Organize a weeks worth of meals for parents of newborn babies or of a sick child.  

Great ways to serve others. Share caring with some kindness - like Max and help for free. 

**Speaking of babies...my sister Darlin is being induced with her twins as I write this. 

Nothing

Nothing can dim the light which shines from within. - Maya Angelou

I recently went outside my comfort zone and made a three-hour commitment at church to be with my son during his priesthood ordination. My hesitations about having him ordained by Ben on a Sunday morning at our church on the first day of March all were abruptly silenced by three words, “I need this.” You see, my friend, words and music offer me refuge. With hope spreading like my grandma’s arms, I feel understood and un-alone in that space. I knew that hearing men and women speak their truths would be like an I.V. of pure goodness flowing straight into my blood stream. Sure enough, the experiences and revelations these kind people shared from a pulpit, pride tossed to the side, made me laugh out loud, and cry unashamedly. But when I went to Relief Society and the teacher was asked what advice she’d give people trying to be the best parent, person, or human being they could be, I became completely still. Ruth said, “Find something that fills you up and then do it.” During a painfully low point in her life Sister Johnson followed an intense urge to sit at her easel and draw for hours and hours. She realized that sound, that smell, and that feeling was vital to her ability to thrive. She knew that she needed to sit by her canvas' edge once a week and so that is what she did … that is what she does. “Find beauty that is just for you … find beauty that will fill you up,” she encouraged. 

Much to my dismay, the lesson came to an end. I began to stand up when someone tapped me on my shoulder. “Excuse me, I wanted to tell you what a difference you made in my life when I was a teacher in primary.” Behind me was this beautiful woman I had not seen for five months —and she had tears falling from her eyes. “I did?” I asked as I held out my arms. She nodded, and for several glorious moments we just held on to each other. As I hugged this sister who didn’t feel like a stranger, I thought to myself: I need this. My friends and I ended up talking for quite some time. I felt an instant ease in their presence as though I could just be me—no hiding, no explaining, no apologies—just me. With them, the laughter and truths came easy. We were delighted to discover that we all feel fairly close to one another. 

I had just texted my friend Sharon before the lesson ended. "You have no idea how much I needed that." We made a plan to go ride our bikes for Little Red—my version of “Filling Up” that Ruth spoke about just a few minutes prior. On our second round of texting, my old friend felt compelled to tell me why she cried when she got my text. She explained that she had not had the kind of day at church that I described. Then she used the word soviet in a way I’d never heard before. “I don't even try to endure relief soviet here!,” she said. It was a typo from auto-correct but after she sent it she realized and said that it is kind of soviet here in her new ward. She said she would love to come listen to a guest speaker with me later this month for the 173rd annual relief society celebration. 

Love as a verb … as an action … as a gift we can give ourselves sounded so powerful … and so hopeful.

We are all worthy of love, acceptance, kindness, respect and encouragement. But even if no one says those words to you now...or ever...I can say them, you can say them. To yourself. I am forty-two years old and I have ownership of that little voice inside me. I started by saying these empowering words a few years ago:   

• I am worthy
• I am a good person
• I am enough
• I am strong   

I wrote them on sticky notes and placed them on my mirror or inside my school folder. I will keep repeating these soul-building words to my boys until they become their inner voice. "Can we come to church every week now that you don't work on Sundays at the hospital?" Markus asked truly seeking. "The bishop didn't know I had been going with dad and he got mad at me at my priesthood interview." As I promised my son we would come here anytime, celebratory tears filled his eyes. Only love today, sweet Markus. I immediately thought of Morgen, my bright and courageous nineteen-year-old son. He told me that his greatest day was when he received the priesthood and I asked him about his feelings, thoughts, interests and opinions. When I treated him like a human being. He said just this week, that some people comment on his weight, grades, hobbies and short haircut and he realized that was not the way he wanted to treat other people and that he felt like he was coming out of a grave. All at once, Ruth's advice, my friend's admission, and my encouragement to Markus came together to form a tangible ray of hope that I felt. That I needed to feel. Nothing...nothing can take away the light from within. Our divine nature as human beings, or sons and daughters of God.

No matter the degree of emptiness we feel, we can be filled. 

No matter the extent of brokenness we see, we can build. 

No matter the weight of the burden we carry, we can move forward. 

No matter the level of condemnation we face, we can rise above. 

We can be the answer to someone's prayer. And to our own. It is not too late for us. It is not too late for our children, or too early. It's the perfect time to fill the longings of your worthy soul...and possibly inspire others along the way. We were only two minutes after his ordination when Markus exclaimed, "I love this day!" He stretched his hands toward the sky as if trying to collect sunbeams in the sleeves of his white shirt. He's learning how to fill himself. He is learning what soothes his soul. He's learning what he needs to thrive. There have been many things I have wanted to give my boys, and knowing how to love and be loved in return is one of them. Now it makes so much sense. 

Let me take you to church. 

Let me take you to running streams. 

Let me walk with you, beside you, not in front of you. 

Let me play this beautiful song for you. 

Let me fill your ears with soulful words like: Did you know that I love you? 

Let me pray for you. 

Let me bring you hot soup when you are sick. 

Let me tell you how incredible you are in a note you can read again and again. 

Let me sit beside you in your fire - you don't have to talk. 

Let me take time to read the pages of this really good book.

Let me visit this blog where I find hope and understanding. 

Let me cry --- I don't have to be strong all the time.

Let me encourage myself...who I am for real.

Grizz are state champs!

Wonderful Things

*daydreams*

*books*

*hockey*

*hot chocolate*

*blankets*

*starry skies*

Whole Heart

YOU HAVE MY WHOLE HEART FOR MY WHOLE LIFE

Aria Shines

I'm crazier than you.

Meet the parents. 

I wouldn't say The moon and I are dating, but...

That's Pugsley not "The Pugster."

"Mmmmmmmnnnnnnnh"

East High presented the premiere of the new musical - The Addam's Family and Max came with me to see my niece Aria star as Wedenesday. To say that she shines is an understatement. I loved watching her sparkle. 

Mickey Without Minnie

Max sent this text to Markus in Las Vegas on his birthday:

I love that they are best buddies. And that Tigger will NEVER stop bouncing. :) 

{Photos: Disneyland 2014}

Find Your Happy

http://youtu.be/RDRZMX_fDfM

Maybe I Can Do This

Last day of Medical-Surgical 2 clinicals today...

10/10 on my quiz this week in Community Health Nursing

97% on Med Surg 2 exam

And a 95% on Pharmacology 2 math test...

Maybe I can do this.  

We Are What We Repeatedly Do

{Bucky taking a shot at Friday night's game}

I can not remember seeing Max this excited about something in his whole life. He has repeatedly worked hard this entire season. He has been to every practice. He explodes out of the locker room for dry-land. He studies nutrition information while eating his snacks. He keeps track of how much weight he is lifting at the weight sessions. He looks over the mental training guidelines while he is doing his homework. He reads over the play book Coach Oly gave him before every game. He loves to be the first one on the ice, and the last one off after picking up the pucks. Oly, sent me this text:

I love Bucky's work ethic and passion for the game. In fact, for the record, he is the most improved player on the team so far this year. Thank you Mama Bucky.

Max had two games this weekend to get him qualified for Tier II state playoffs, nearly forgetting it was a holiday - but not quite. When he played in Friday night's game, he was on the ice more than usual due to the high number of penalties on the member's of his team. Sixteen total, three players suspended from Saturday's game and Coach Oly, since Coaches are suspended when their team has more than fifteen penalties I guess. When he told me about Saturday's game(since I had to work) the oddest thought came to my head. 

"I want to get excited about hockey."

I went up to his bedroom where he was supposed to be doing an assignment for school. Instead he was looking at the newest copy of USA Hockey magazine. He had the neck of the bendable light shining directly down on his magazine. He was reading each article like a true scientist. 

"Do you think this stick would make my shot better?" he posed with a giggle. I could tell it was a trick question, so I played along. 

"It sure looks like it would to me," I replied. 

"Nope! It's not the stick that makes a better shot. It's the number of times you shoot it." Max then proceeded to tell me how he is going to take a few shots before his practice tomorrow to see how many he can get in before.

As he described how he wants to work harder, a thought I'd never had in my life came to me. "I want to get excited about shots."

First it was hockey then it was shots. I had no idea where this was coming from. 

Then, yesterday morning, Max bounded down the stairs fully dressed and ready for breakfast. He was holding the USA Hockey magazine in one hand and his newly taped stick in the other. It was 8:35 a.m. and he was smiling the way people do when they are about to leave on a plane for Hawaii. I found his early Sunday morning cheerfulness a little irritating. 

There I stood in my mismatched pajamas and blue fuzzy slippers holding a plate of eggs made scrambled, the way I always make them thinking, "I want to get excited about mornings too."

It is kind of painful to admit, but I can't remember the last time I felt excited...like jump-and-down excited...or grinning-from-ear-to-ear excited. Truthfully, I was in a mood. My heart felt like it was only half beating. My view of the world looked grey. I needed something but what...medication? Meditation? Vacation? I knew what was wrong with me. I was missing Markus on his birthday. 

All day I thought about my son, my missing his birthday, my going-through-the-motions of buying and wrapping his present existence. I'd just completed a 12-day Choose Love Challenge. I'd promised to choose love as my response to loneliness, frustration, and sadness, but suddenly I also wanted to choose to love LIFE more. I wanted to get excited about everyday blessings the way my 15-year-old son did. But maybe this is just what happens when you get older and you are missing someone. Maybe my boys can only get excited about hockey and shooting and practicing. I had no answers, I did feel slightly more alive because I was asking questions...even ones that hurt. 

Max got finished with practice by noon with sweat joyfully dripping from his hair. By the look on his face, it was Christmas in February. He informed me that he had won the shootout and had to practice more shooting as soon as he got home. 

I sat in the driveway bundled up from head to toe while my coat-less son demonstrated several variations of hockey shots despite the bitter wind. I couldn't help but notice the way his grin grew with every shot. As Max got into a rhythm, the pucks literally came to life. 


Between the sunshine, his smile and the movement of the wind, I felt a little better. I felt a little pulse coming back to my lifeless veins. 

A few hours later I logged on to watch Markus' final game from Vegas online. I thought about not watching it and studying instead. I was tired and just wanted to go to bed. But those pucks flying in the driveway seemed to call me. 

After agreeing to the terms and conditions and paying the $10.00 fee, my son's game promptly filled the computer screen. It was a little jumpy due to my ancient computer but Markus still looked to me as if he was flying across the ice. When the game versus the LA Jr. Kings was tied 1-1 and he scored the game winning goal it was like lotion on my thirsty winter skin. 

I hadn't expected him to be so good at hockey. I hadn't expected it to feel this good to see his face. Between his little smile, the tranquility of the sound of his skates on the ice, and our loving connection when he pointed to the camera and did a fist pump, I felt a little better. I ran upstairs to text Max as he had gone out with some friends. 

This afternoon was Max's extra team practice for President's day. He'd just finished up on the ice when he asked me if I wanted to stop for fish tacos at Lone Star. I really wanted to get home. I needed to save money. But the smile - the smile got me again. He seemed to whisper, "Say yes." 

Just because I am an adult does not mean that I must live a life void of excitement, passion and joy. I can:

• Take a different route home
• Accept a challenge
• Learn something new
• Say yes more often than no
• Surround my self with lovers of life
• Stop expecting - and instead
• Be open to the unexpected

Every time I feel the need to be excited more than I do I am going to say something I thought I would never say:

I am excited about fuzzy slippers. 

I am excited about snowflakes. 

I am excited about bubble baths, 

and balloons with curly, blue ribbons.

I am excited about crunchy sweet apples from Trader Joe's in the dead of winter. 

I am excited about this beautiful day in front of me just waiting to be lived. 

We are what we repeatedly do.

I am excited.

Guess How Much I Love You?

I adore your smile

I cherish your hugs

I admire your heart

I love you to the moon and back 

Most of all I love that you're my son

Happy 12th Birthday Markesian

P. S. I loved watching you play tonight online. Score the game winning goal on your birthday?! Yes!!! :)

My Valentine

{This pic of Markus was taken last month at the Grizz Cup}

My valentine is in Vegas

*****************************************************************

On another note, my friend Laurie's husband sent this out with his reminder about the 6th Annual Love Olympics held last night. It made me laugh. XO

I Bet My Life

Rant about the unending brief changes or love? I choose love. 
Briefs can be cleaned up; broken hearts are harder to mend.

Sixth Grade Sock Hop

Post a picture of this moment to Instagram or love?I choose love.I will remember it more vividly if I capture this moment solely with my eyes.

Guess Who's Moving To The U?

Berate myself for messing up or love?
I choose love.
Accepting my humanness offers my precious sons the freedom to be human too.

I Love My Sister

Today I will choose love. Tomorrow I will choose love. And the day after that, I will choose love. If I mistakenly choose distraction, perfection, or negativity over love, I will not wallow in regret. I will choose love next. I will choose love until it becomes my first response … my gut instinct … my natural reaction. I will choose love until it becomes who I am.

Friends Are Worth Way More Than Money

{A real friend is like winning the lottery. There is no risk when it comes to a good friend, you always win.} 

I know the saying, “money can’t buy happiness,” what I know is that friendship can. Yep, our happiness is dependent on your social standing more than your economic one. While poverty is a state, but feeling poor is a state of mind. You are only as poor as you feel (when the hunger pains stop) and just because you have money doesn’t mean you will always feel rich. Because it’s not the lack of money that makes us feel poor, but the lack of social interactions. I just picked Morgen up from his Digital Media class that he is taking, and he was telling me how our friendships are worth something. “Putting a Price Tag on Friends, Relatives, and Neighbors,” he told me, discusses the monetary values we put on social interactions.

I guess, through statistical analysis, economists developed a way to assess the worth of social interactions by taking random samples of people’s satisfaction levels over different points in their lives. This gave them shadow prices they then placed on the worth of relationships. According to the results, the value of friendship makes us happier than a $133,000 pay raise.

Because money gets old. Or maybe I forget what it was like before having that money. But I never forget what it’s like to have friends. I feel the cold emptiness of lost friendships much more than lost paychecks. Not having someone to call hurts more than not having a few extra thousand in the bank.

So when I'm worried that I'm not making enough money to make me happy, I look at friendships not my salary, because choosing to spend more time with friends brings me more joy than working all those extra hours for a pay raise.

That, and it’s my friends that make me feel rich, not all the money I'm making without them.

{Wasting time with friends is always going to trump wasting money}

{Saving a friend is a lot more fun than saving money}

{While money can bring a lot of things, it can't bring a sense of humor}

{Having a small house full of friends is more fun than a large house full of money}

How much is a friendship worth? How much would you pay for a good one?