I had my first clinical today at the hospital on the CVU floor. It went by so quickly, it hardly seemed like I was there from 6:30 a.m. to noon. I found myself baffled at all of the heart procedures being performed to save lives these days. Simply. Amazing. I am and will continue to be in awe of what nurses and doctors are doing to help. I am looking forward to working and contributing. Being self-employed has had its positives and negatives though. Today, for instance, while I haven't been able to catch up on sleep which I've
been severely lacking in, I have been able to read a book for simple
enjoyment, watch a couple of DVDs, go to Hunger Games with my boys last month, and
overall regain some sense of equilibrium. Instead of feeling as if I'm being
heaved and rattled all over the deck of a shipwreck, the waves have
calmed a little, the horizon is staying remarkably close to horizontal, and the
rope burns on my hands from trying to hold everything together are starting to
heal.Being gainfully employed has also given me time to think. I still have no idea of what is coming, or how to neatly categorise the rest of this year. Not having a goal is over, it's how I've lived and endured for the past significant while. I've asked the Lord what He wants. I'm not going to go charging (or stomping, or swearing, or blindly) off in my own direction - I want (NEED) advice, and maybe a shove in the way I should go. I know that God knows me, knows the way I think and behave, and I'll get an answer. Eventually. I have no panic about the future, because I've had nudges about what I need to do for now.
For now, I need to spend time with my boys. I have work (teaching) that won't make us miserable. I have to learn how to be less demanding of myself. Somehow, I need to pry open my fingers from around the panic and expectations I have on myself, and let myself be 'enough'. I need to stop. Look. And act. There's an obvious need to break down the walls I've shoved up to contain the damage, perform a sort of burial at sea for the fallen, and light flamethrowers to shine the way ahead. Even if this way will be a lot of hard work...
'It's better to light a flame-thrower than curse at the darkness' - Terry Pratchett
