happy happy happy fall

{What the world is like if we stop looking to get something in return, and love unconditionally}

{We seek it, want it, need it yet it is hiding from so many of us: genuine heart-felt unconditional love}

{When I first heard about unconditional love, that I have to love myself first before I can love another, it sounded so simple, but really it is hard: letting go of making myself, and others, wrong}

When I make someone else wrong, I hold the energy of needing to correct, convince, control, or change someone else (4-C's as my therapist called them). Someone should "be or do" what I expect. When I did that blaming, complaining, or condemning was normal.

When I make myself wrong, I hold up this standard of how I should be, and end up feeling not good enough. Then I see myself and other people as a problem or objects that need to be fixed.

{Not infatuation, lust, or what you think makes you happy, but true intimacy at the level of your soul}

{Creating deep authentic connections with those who matter most}

{Love seems to come in precious moments that time and busy-ness take away. Instead of trying so hard to make love work, I'm letting love flow}

{I grew up in a loving, caring family environment with five sisters and one brother. Being in the middle, I followed the rules and learned what was right and wrong}

My parents, my dad an accountant, both worked hard and taught us strong values of freedom, generosity, and learning to work together. It was critical that we spent time together outside either hiking, biking or traveling. It made sense, and we became two flight attendants, a para-legal, an interior designer, an entrepreneur, a professional ice-skater, and me, (almost) a Registered Nurse.

{With 29 children among us, we all get along with only a little drama once in awhile, and the most amazing family get-togethers. I look forward to the holidays, and numerous birthday celebrations. Surprisingly, it turned out we are the norm.}

{I attribute the love we experience to my mom, who gives of herself like no other with the uncanny ability to know I love peaches! :) She is one smart, highly productive woman.}

{Logical with astounding common sense, she instilled high self-esteem - the secret to happiness. I certainly knew I was loved. Yes something was missing.}

{There was criticism, and judgement growing up I couldn't see-right and wrong and good and bad. It wasn't just in my family, it was everywhere.}

{Expectations of how to behave, what we were supposed to know, who we were expected to be, and where we were to get married were clear.}

{When I enrolled in nursing school, I suddenly found myself on a spiritual path. Suddenly I was learning things that did not fit and I quickly learned what I could no longer share.}

{Harmony does not exist in my family because everyone knows what to say and what not to say. It's the opposite because we have stepped out of the "family box" and shifted something. My happiness grew when I unexpectedly discovered what unconditional love meant.}

I learned:

• Happiness is a changed state of being
• Love can be experienced on many different levels

{Sometimes people say or do things that have destructive consequences. Believing love is putting up with, sacrificing, tolerating, or suffering in silence thinking their commitment is proof of their love, isn't love.} 

Understanding, seeing, hearing, and accepting someone for who they are is love.

When I make someone wrong, there's a value I hold being stepped on. It's black and white in my mind, but in between lives everyone else's perception of truth.

Someone else not living up to my value of "hard work" is "lazy".
Someone who doesn't follow my idea of "giving" I may judge as "selfish".
Someone I judge as "inconsiderate" is not acting in a way I see as "kindness".

When I stepped out of my box, I noticed how it felt when others projected their values onto me. The question is not whether someone is right or wrong, but whether the words and actions are coming from a place of fear on one side or love on the other. The result is either constructive or destructive.

Extreme fear breeds hatred leading to very destructive consequences that al-Qaeda created on 9/11 in NYC on the World Trade Center. Extreme love leads to compassion, and what Mother Teresa created in the world she lived in.

When I let go of needing others to live according to my "right" way, I realize how others respond is just a projection of their reality. A shift happens away from fear, toward love and compassion where I seek to understand, share, teach and live. Trying to be patient was next to impossible in that place I was afraid, but to love and I find all the patience I need. In the search for truth, it is in the eye of the beholder. Discernment not judgement leads me to truth by being curious and noticing whether someones perception of reality comes from love or fear. It is the difference between:

Competition and Cooperation
Doubt and Trust

It will lead to:

Holding on or Letting go

I am not in a place to judge, I have no superiority. No one is inferior. It was a destructive energy of being attached to "I am right" that I projected onto someone else. I noticed what came back when I did that, was always defensiveness because, Hello! No one wants to be wrong. It took me a long, long time to realize being attached to "I am right" was criticism because I didn't necessarily see someone as inferior.

The Golden Rule found in almost all spiritual teachings: are you treating someone the way you want to be treated? Who wants to be treated to criticism and judgement?!

When I let go of convincing, correcting, controlling, and trying to change others, I release a big illusion of love: ownership.

I thought that belonging to someone was wonderful, but the opposite is true. Having the independence to share your true self and allow others the same brings true intimacy. No one makes you happy; happiness is found within. Until I lived with compassion with myself, the love I was giving was conditional.

I am a unique daughter of Heavenly Father raised from my birthday to the present day living my truth based on my own values, beliefs, experience, and understanding. In any given moment I can only "be and do" my "best". My "best" is not the same as someone else's "best". We cling to love wanting it to last forever, but it can't because we are the ones carrying that love, and we are constantly evolving. The love we share is either growing together or growing apart. The paradox of love is that it can grow apart, but it can also grow stronger.

I married someone who fit the idea of what I thought was "right," and my awareness at the time of what I thought would bring me happiness. It did.

I thought it was love, but it was conditional, and that's why it felt like something was missing. Now I know differently, and there is a lot more authenticity. I learn more everyday.

The secret to experiencing deeper love is allowing each other to grow.

On my birthday, I experienced the most profound sense of love I have ever known especially with my three boys where I needed to let go of criticizing and judging them. In the past year I have learned that love is wanting others to be happy without it needing to be about me. This is how I know I love my boys, family, friends, and even my students. They are not dependent on me for their happiness, and I am not dependent on them.

I know I can show up without criticism and judgment and I allow them to exactly who they are and that love is exchanged. Unconditional love doesn't always come with the family we were born into because criticism, judgment, and the resulting expectations are a huge part of family culture. Family love is strong, lasting, and nothing compares. Experiencing unconditional love required breaking free from the family circle to follow my heart, and my own truth.

True love is eternal even if a relationship grows apart. When I surrender judgement, I see the beauty in everyone. Including me.    
  

{This is love}