There is a voice who doesn't use words

Thursday: apple sauce, wolf pack for Max, Lactation Essentials class, hot hot heat, shower, drone flying, I made a mistake at work (stuck in my head all week), laundry, smoothie, crab salad sandwich with Morgen, out for a sunset walk along the river.

This Crew

"Can I take your photo like that?” We were driving home from a double-winning trip to the rink, Costa vida, rink, and victory over Viewmont. I held my camera in my left hand, facing the side window. I clicked the shutter along the freeway without taking my eyes off the road ahead. “Yeah, you really shouldn’t do this while driving.” “Can I sleep over at Sam's?” “You have to take a shower, either at home or over there.” “Can I just swim? I want to have fun too."

A very merry un-birthday

After our un-birthday dinner, Shakira’s This time for Africa blared from the table. It’s a T.Tap dance, she said. Nicole tapped her legs up on the floor. Okay, maybe I’ve never had so much fun, dancing with all my best friends, oh yes.

Summer is here

Summer, at last. Markus and I drove to 7 peaks last week. I watched him wade into the water without looking back and felt the tug of change yet again.

I have a son

{who is my heart}

A wonderful young man who is daring, and loving and brave and kind.

life is love

A few quiet minutes on the pew, funeral, flowers from the friends, and the start of a wonderful afternoon: Heidi's Father (thanks for the photo ). Sitting there at the church, light filtered through the windows, I felt like I could have been at a beach house in Nantucket instead of our town. Was it the quality of light, the shift to richer tones, or was it the act of sitting a few minutes with nothing at all to do after the eulogy was read and the hearse loaded?

{Made in 1939}

Aged = 77 years

All original parts

And that was the end of it. He went home from the party with his leg in a boot, though not ready to be off crutches. We ate dinner in the car after I got off work while Max and his friend Markus rode rides at Lagoon and ate pineapple whips. While I should've slept, I watched fetal heart monitors together before the morning sun.

Unforgettable

Yesterday we splashed at seven peaks. Things that happened on the couch today: In a tousle over a phone, Marko accidentally head-butted his brother in the mouth, which wasn’t bleeding but was pink and slightly swollen from hitting his braces. I checked the freezer for the soft ice pack reserved for injuries but with one upset and the other one close, I bypassed unpacking the otter popsicles I made earlier plus bags of drumsticks for a small bag of blueberries. I cleared their controls off the couch and made space for him to lie down for a few minutes. “Mom, there’s blueberry juice leaking all over the place.” So much for ice. How he salvaged a spilled blueberry in the process, I’ll never know, though it is a testament to his clever eye. Later on, while he took a post hockey shower, Markus ran into the bathroom, flushed after he peed and the shower turned scalding. It was only a matter of time. Things that happened off the couch today: Max made tuna helper for dinner, Markus ate breakfast with Gavin after sleeping over, we found Dory after which we found snow cones, Markus found that the cat needed more food, I took and picked him up from the hockey center workout and showed him where I used to live with my parents, watched little kids cook master chef style dinners, finished laundry when he finally went to bed.

Be Bold

And smile. His professor said that, and the rest of his presentation went well, snapped this photo of him after he returned from class this morning. It was blonde before it turned sun kissed gold. Cartwheels, children's museum, cats, dogs, birthdays, reading clubs and Harry Potter, guitar playing, summer soccer and LAX. Life torn. Soul threadbare. He moved on with life and came out smiling. Late night, the oldest one and I sat outside on the porch facing the flowers, and watched the moths fly by.

Sky View

Marko climbed on the roof and took pictures of the colors Saturday night and sang, "Hola. ¿Cómo estás?" She said, "Konnichiwa."” when I took the weeds away. Radio on. A few tickets were left for this weekend’s Sun Valley Ice Show. I was tempted to cancel work and parties, usher all of us to the car, and drive north for the weekend.

Hello, Summer

Monday (Summer Solstice): oatmeal, work, jimmy johns, middle school blow out, salad, guacamole, tortillas and water, sun, picnic feast on the front patio, watermelon, then rooftop star gazing, lemonade, short walk down the street, laundry, Max's short visit from friends (girls!), shower, nap for Max, wolf pack started this morning, protein shakes of fruit.

A Grandfather is someone with silver on his hair and gold in his heart

We spent the afternoon in the sun at a secluded wood in Neff's Canyon. I swore I would melt. The flowing stream, thirst, unrelenting sun (no hat) had me skirting for every tree nook I could find. Not an easy feat with a hammock and two boys who wanted food and water and a place to run.

After the hike, we went to Monet's. We all brought potluck. I made grilled hamburgers with lots of salads and fruit. Then cheesecake and presents.

Letter from home

I stood in line at the grocery store. My cart filled with fruit chosen solely on color. Apricots, cherries, grapes, watermelon. “How was camp?” he heard me say. “Fun. The sunrise warrior canoes were my favorite part. First night, camp flooded and then they woke us up to help build a canal and drain the flood after a day. We all earned the Paul Bunyon award for digging them until 3 am then the camp advisors dug until the next day.” “Oh, sounds like an adventure, I want to hear more about that.” “Yeah, you embarrassed me though, I was the only one who got a letter from home.”

Good Times and Tan Lines

The boys rollerblade after work, plus another collection of Elin Hilderbrand's  stories, Summerland. The thought of strawberry pie was almost as good as baking a warm pie. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe we’ll eat them one by one on the front porch. A strawberry and a book in each hand.

Adventure is Worthwhile

After the hike, we listened to radio in the car. The falls were full and we both got wet from climbing up them. We skipped going out again. I made turkey sandwiches with free bread from our race. Then ice cream and America's Got Talent.

the greater your storm - the brighter your rainbow

Sunday: work, babies, grapes, strawberries, nap, car ride, afternoon visits and the radio (club shootings in Orlando), tony awards, dad on his walker, mom off her cane (maybe).

Can't win them all

So, the game. I spent the whole day skirting back to the rink. Water bottles washed and filled. Pucks uncovered. Names on the roster, Markus by my side with his finger in the air, number one, and goals coming together in a solid hattie. Divided in half, assists, then left in the car to eat up. Off to shoot, then picked up G and stopped by the pizza studio for a pizza and gatorade before his sleep over appointment. Back home, Marko and his friend ran through the house, hammocks hanging, trees, covered, and photographed. The room was a sweat box by the time I made them shower: treats, m & m's and granola bars (for the win) then served it on the small table outside. Delivered to scout camp, or else all of the games would be won. That and no goalie.

Legendary

Close to summer night. Drove to the church and dropped off Markus. Smell of camping in the air. Ruby shimmery strawberries. Chicken for dinner. The Orlando shootings issue, plus another one a day before, I'm Trying To Be Like Jesus. The thought of missing him for a week is okay when I know how excited he was to go. Maybe he will miss me too. Maybe he'll write a letter home from camp. An adventure and a friend in each hand.

B E a little W I L D

The teenagers fell asleep early afternoon. I stayed at the yard sale and counted out a thousand dollars in ones. Sun then downpour then sun then calm gray. A helicopter flew by, which always seemed expected in our house up the hill from the hospital. I promised Marko we would pick up Zupa's for dinner. Right after his swim check for scout camp next week. 

24 Years Ago Today

When we had our last dance as daddy and daughter, I couldn't hold back the tears. He whispered in my ear how much he loved me. He told me that my only job was to know deep within my soul that I am of worth, infinite worth. If I could remember that everyone else is of worth than the battle of my life would be won. But that was a talk for another day. If I could trust my worth in that way, I would stay attractive in the most important sense of the word: attracting a man who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in me. I care if he ties his shoes, the same way I care that he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can't stop looking. I care that he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you. I care that he provides for you -- that is he provides for your heart and it always leads you home. I care that he is strong -- the strength to give you space to exercise the strength that is in your heart. I care that he is political -- and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart. I care that he paints -- your lives with patience, sacrifice and tenderness. I care that he was raised in the religion of Jesus Christ -- raised to love you with grace, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred. Even if he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing: you. Because my sweet girl, the only thing you need to remember to keep a man interested, is to be you. 

His #1 Fan

I heard Pachabel's Canon played on the radio this morning. It was while I was getting my haircut and I sat in the middle of the salon, water warming on my head, sun shooting through the southeast window. I imagined climbing to the top of the mt. we went partially up yesterday. Music flooded the streets where the sun rose and fell through an open window. Max won his game tonight 6-0 with 2 goals and 2 assists. What a beautiful and brave boy.

Mahalo 2

Penguins not Sharks. The bikes, skate boards, and pennies warmed in the street. I glanced back to the ramps where he sat; his hair faced the table but was close enough to film the action when he turned around. Between glances, he jumped off the ramps and leaned against the porch to watch the ramp action. The little neighbor boy crashed. He tried to jump off the back edge of the ramps. “Please be careful.” “Be careful,” he repeated and scrunched down on the bike. I read my book on the swing. He gathered boys from all neighborhoods and lined them across the drive. After his hockey game, I picked him up a pizza with buffalo chicken along with spicy and ranch sauces for dinner. He quickly ate then grabbed his phone with clean hands. “Penguins not Sharks,” I said.

Sunshine is the best medicine

Next, I turned the radio on. That was a mistake. Better Place (Rachel Platten) played. I’d rather dance than write. Work from home. Who sings that song? Stuck in my head. Skip to You Tube. Radio in background, video on computer. Double whammy. Happy Songs from TV on the Radio. Next was the dance song and I caved. What writing?

Life was meant for good friends and great adventures

By 10 pm, I lay flat on the couch. The washer rattled as the boys strolled by. Markus exhaled from the other room and Max had come home from hockey shortly before. He left with his friends to go play night games and Markus too like blown tree blossoms. I picked up The Match Maker hoping to make it past the first page.

All U Need

I walked back into the kitchen and he stood in center near the kitchen table. “What are you doing?” He asked me both for a ride to school and told me about his scholarship letter in minutes and somehow didn’t blink. I caught my breath. “$7k Scholarship,” he said. Then sat down on the table close to the strawberries.

Funday

Sunday: nutella crepes, writing, hike, pizza, dishes, laundry, trash, america's got talent, tennis, late bedtime.

Make today so awesome - that yesterday gets jealous

About seven years slipped by since we’d started riding in Little Red and over the hills to see the fields and fields of gold wildflowers. We used to ride together on the roads every day in the summer. One friend moved then the other works and we didn’t return to riding all the time. Until today when she told me that she found us entries into the ride and all those talks we shared rushed back. It happened more lately, snapshots: in school, out of school, before kids, during kids. Favorite books, road trips, summer hikes.

School is O U T

Friday in the front yard. Boys awake. Pennies out. Rip stick circling our legs. I snapped photos of them after I pulled weeds.