Small Steps

A Small Step

To Kick Our Multi-Tasking Habit

Boone Pickens perhaps said it best: When you are hunting elephants, don’t get distracted chasing rabbits.

This week’s rabbit: Stranger Things.

I’m not a TV watcher by nature, but every now and then, a show will grip Markus or Max so tightly that it becomes a focal point for conversation after conversation, theories and recaps and findings passed around the dinner table with the mashed potatoes.

The show sounded fascinating enough, even without the 80’s factor and the Indiana plot and of course Winona’s hair. And this is precisely how I wound up staying up waywayway past my bedtime last Saturday night hitting Play on Season 2.

I have been searching for pockets of time to hit Play ever since.

Earlier this week, while I needed to make dinner, so I chopped cauliflower while watching Joyce Byers trash her own house again, and of course, it wasn’t twenty minutes before a pot of spaghetti was bubbling onto the stove and I still hadn’t figured out where the heck Hopper was.

I turned off the TV, realizing there were enough rabbits for me to chase without adding a virtual one to the mix.

And so, a small reminder for myself, courtesy of this simple trick my therapist friend shares with his patients:

Pay attention to your hands.

It’s the perfect cure for multi-tasking, he says. When you’re writing an email, watch your fingers on the keyboard. When you’re folding laundry, watch your hands sort through the whites. When you’re at the park with your children, pay attention to your hands pushing them in the swing, brushing a leaf from their hair, holding their bike helmet as they run wild in the grass.

When I do (or think of doing) a million things at once, I do them less well. When I multitask, I'm teaching my brain to distract itself and things just take infinitely longer, my fuse growing infinitely shorter.

But there’s something inherently lovely about single-tasking, about focusing on just one thing at a time for as long as we’re able. And it turns out, I only need to retrain my brain with what I already have available: our hands.

It’s a small trick that snaps my mind back to the present and – better yet? – preserves energy for my next task.

(Like hitting Play on Stranger Things the very second those little dishes are done.)

Small Step No. 2

And so, a small reminder for myself...

Be the thermostat.

My friend Kelly taught me this once, and her dad taught her. While I’m prone to measuring the temperature, to reading the room, to quietly adjusting my own layers to better acclimate, a thermostat declares the room cold and makes it warm.

We all hold in ourselves the power to transform – in ways small and large – a room, a year, a Christmas Day. We can make it hot or cold. We can make our homes into caves or havens; we can make our days stretch or crumble.

It is ours to decide, and we can decide.

Yesterday, we all woke up in stormy moods. The clouds hung low outside the window, mocking our attitudes. I puttered around per usual – frying eggs, washing pans, wrapping presents – and as the day went on and the coffee wore off, the sun still hadn’t come out. My responses were shortened, strained. Morgen carried a furrowed brow. Markus grew grumpy.

I practiced deep breaths, spritzed some rosewater on my face, willed myself to snap out of it. The Christmas dance party playlist wasn’t cutting it; I found the extra noise to be annoying.

Be the thermostat, I reminded myself. Set the tone. Rise above. You’re the grown-up. Make it warm.

I dug out an old puzzle for Morg, did 20 sit-ups for myself. Read Christmas Stories. Made a few silly faces for Max, then a few more for Preslee. In very little time, with very little effort, the energy of the room offered teenage smiles and grown-up giggles yet again.

Eventually, the sun peeked out from behind the clouds, but it didn’t matter: the house was warm enough without it.

—

Tell me: how did you spend your Christmas day? I’d love to hear!

p.s. These are a series of small steps that will (hopefully) provide one giant leap to greater things. Not for mankind, but for me, and perhaps for you, which will always be good enough in my book. More to come.

3 Good for Me Habits

First, something: I’m wary of assigning sanctimonious labels to everyday behaviors. In truth, what makes for a good habit today doesn’t always carry over the years.

Related – For months, in college, I subsisted solely on free dinner bread from the restaurant I hostessed at in a valiant attempt to save enough money for my first car. I’d have called that a good habit at the time. Look at that! I’d think. Just swimming in self control! Budget or bust!

But for today, for me that is alive and well, there are 3 decidedly good habits I’ve been establishing as of late, things worth falling into that have surprised even me. Three habits I am loving, habits that are shaping this small self beyond the me I once was. Here they are:

And just like that i'm a tea drinker

Listen, I’ve always wanted to be a tea drinker. My favorite people are tea drinkers, and they look so calm and effervescent just sitting there, steeping, lost in thought and glowy skin. And yet, coffee lured me into its black depths sometime in the thick of my college years. I blame gateway mochas, but whatever, here we are.

I love coffee. I have been drinking it daily, without fail, for over five years. Martin owns the greatest little coffee maker around, and the entire existence of his coffee is the singular reason I look forward to each Monday morning’s (crazy early) alarm clock ring.

But.

I’m experimenting this month with a (rather extreme) diet in hopes of healing excema. Food is medicine, after all, and so, why not try skipping the creams and drops and pills in lieu of some good old-fashioned self control? Famous last words, I know.

The meal plan is not unlike what I have already been eating (which you know I love), but more intense: In addition to less sugar, and beef, there will be less salt. 

I know, I know. What’s left?

Fruits, veggies, bread, nuts, and apparently, tea.

As is expected, the newfound care has trickled into other areas: bringing my own mug of coffee to work. Packing glass storage dishes to take lunch to work. Saying “No, thanks,” to straws.

Small things, indeed. But I happen to believe small things are not at all small.

IGNORING THE trends

I haven’t sorted out the whys yet, but this is the first year I’ve opted out of trends entirely. You’re not surprised, I know, nor are you a stranger to the slow layer-peel of releasing myself from the grips of consumerism, and yet: in the past, there have been many times I still wanted in. For instance it was difficult to resist the fiddle-leaf fig tree that I am sure would just make that corner in the sun room sing.

It is no longer difficult.

The woman who – a short lifetime ago – might have strolled the aisles of Target for fun has flown the coop. In fact, I realized in writing this that my last visit to Target was in 2018 to buy a some clothes for work. It stands to reason: what you look for, you’ll find.

And what you don’t, you don’t.

As such, I have completely missed the resurgence of which video games to buy, etc. in all their nostalgic glory, and while I love and treasure the 90’s – and am forever complicating my mother-son relationship – for now, for today, I’m ignoring the games. Among other things.

I will say one thing here: this habit surprisingly required a bit of soul-shifting. Having once been trusted as someone who knew what was just on the cusp, taking a few steps back has presented a small bruising in pride.

(Well worth it, I have noticed.)

—

The last habit? One that I can’t accurately categorize as bad, but simply a ritual I’ve had a rough go of shaking:

MAKING it a priority to be outside everyday for 45 MINUTES and FREEZing

I affectionately refer to these run-walks as NOT workouts, because expectations are important. Still, if you find yourself with a midnight hankering for an exercise aversion, this will help:

Mix 1 pair of leggings with a drizzle or two of sweatshirts and 1/2 vest of a puffer. Throw in some gloves. If you’re feeling fancy, lay them with some headphones and press play on those beloved playlists. Sprinkle with stars and throw ’em in the snow for a few minutes. Start walking, then bliss.

 

Tell me: any new habits you’re trying on lately? You know how much I love to hear all about ’em.

 

Small Step No. 3

We have a running joke in these parts that nurses, ever the health conscious ones, will ask one question and one question alone to everything that ails you:

How Much Water Have You Had Today?

Headache? How much water have you had today? Foul mood? How much water have you had today?Broken toe? How much water have you had today?

Water first.

The rule is simple – two tall glasses of water down the hatch before I’ve had my morning coffee. That’s it.

You needn’t invest in fancy water bottles or herb-infused recipes (although you certainly can, of course). It takes only a small habit to guarantee you’ve consumed a large percentage of your daily water intake before 8am, and isn’t it fun to be an over-achiever, if only for the morning?

Stick to the formula throughout the day – two glasses before afternoon tea, two glasses before evening beer – and you’ve landed on the simplest solution for whatever ails you.

(Broken toes excluded.) 

p.s. These are a series of small steps that will (hopefully) provide one giant leap to greater things. Not for mankind, but for me, and perhaps for you, which will always be good enough in my book. First one here.

Small Steps: No. 8

 

And so, 2020 arrived with the need for a quick shot in the arm. A long winter had left us all a bit stir crazy, cooped up with subzero temps and high fevers, a wild restlessness gleaming in each of our eyes. Stacks of books, mountains of crafts, small piles of unfinished projects sweeping through the entire home.

ON DRAWING THEM CLOSE

While Martin details a long list of typical practicalities that I’m already much aligned with – less scheduling, less lecturing, less media, less hovering, less stuff, less activities, there is a key area in which less is never once recommended:

“When your child seems to deserve affection least, that’s when they need it most.”

And I suppose that’s the heart of the matter, isn’t it? Finding a way to clear the forest of harsh roots, to cut down the weeds of rote routines and defeasible discipline, and allow our young trees the time, space and light to grow into something lovely. To draw them close. (Again.) To grant undeserved affection. (Again.) To stand tall as we witness newness, these small miracles of the simplest form.

(Again and again and again.)

 

Tell me, any books you’ve read lately that you loved? 

Small Steps: 6.5

There are no shortage of things to work on in this grand life, no limits to areas in need of refinement. Of late, for me? Communication. In specific? Tongue-holding.

And so, a small reminder for myself:

Say what you see.

And sometimes, only that.

I’m finding since that this micro-mantra, this ‘Say what you see’ is applicable in nearly any scenario – in offering (and receiving) feedback, in sharing compliments, in encouraging another. Just last month I scrawled a list of helpful things I witnessed Markus doing – for us, for others – and tucked it into a Valentine taped to the garage door. There it was in black and white: every little thing from toothbrushing to trash duty. He felt appreciated. He felt seen.

I’ve been practicing the art all around town – from noticing my hairdresser’s new cheek color (sidenote: it was pink and it looked incredible) to offering a hand to the grandfather in the grocery store.

Sure, we can say what we think. We can say what we know to be true, and why. We can spend our days lecturing, defending our convictions to others, attempting to talk everyone else into understanding things precisely the way we understand them.

But sometimes, often times, we need only say what we see.

And to listen – carefully, intently – to what we don’t.

P.S.

p.s. These are a series of small steps that will (hopefully) provide one giant leap to greater things. Not for mankind, but for me, and perhaps for you, which will always be good enough in my book. More here.

Day of Caring

I just came back from a run (with Molly) and I was inspired along the way by a whole group of United Way volunteers participating in the day of caring. I stopped to talk to them about helping out, and came away with a boat load of information. Here are some of ways that I can help out in the community.
1. Live United
2. Invite a friend, neighbor, family member to attend a school board meeting with you.
3. Organize a book drive with your family, co-workers, school, club or faith community
4. Read to children in your family, at your library, or with a local non-profit engaged in child care or literacy.
5. Purchase school supplies for a local school to distribute to children who need them.
6. Enroll your child in a summer reading program at the local library.
7. Donate your newspaper subscription to a local school when you go on vacation.
8. Allow a high school student to shadow you at work and show them how to apply things you learned in school.
9. Take the children in your life to a local museum, exhibit or play.
10. Be a mealtime partner for a pre-school class to help kids develop social skills.
11. Mentor an at-risk youth at your neighborhood school.
12. Bring a child in your life to a bank to have a tour and open up a savings account.
13. Tutor at an adult literacy or technology program
14. Donate new or gently used professional clothing to an organization assisting individuals in seeking employment.
15. Serve as a greeter at a free tax preparation community coalition site to help low-income families acquire up to thousands of dollars in earned income tax credits.
16. Volunteer to prepare tax returns for low-income families.
17. Contact your local representative about and issues affecting working people in your community.
18. Ask your bank if they offer free checking and savings accounts to low-income families and encourage them to start if they don’t.
19. Engage with a middle school to teach a class on how to save money and watch with them as it grows.
20. Help senior citizens learn how to detect and prevent fraud.
21. Contact your local health clinic to offer assistance in anything from distributing flyers to serving on an event committee to writing a letter to the editor on their behalf.
22. Check into what healthy snacks are or are not available in your local schools and call on others to promote tasty healthy meals and fun exercise at school.
23. Start a walking group for friends, families, neighbors and/or community members that meets regularly at a set time and location. Soon the group will exist even if you can’t make it!
24. Get a flu shot.
25. Buy pedometers for your friends and have a fun competition for who can walk the most steps.
26. Purchase personal care items such as deodorant, toothbrushes and soap and drop them off at the local homeless shelter.
27. Help transport families to necessary medical appointments so children can have proper screening and immunizations.
28. Buy a pair of Tom's shoes - and they will donate one pair to children in need
29. Offer a hand up not a hand out at Habitat for Humanity
30. Donate time to the Make A Wish foundation
31. Become a volunteer for the state
32. Help at Jordan Valley hospital
33. Inspi(red)
34. Volunteer at Primary Children's hospital
35. Help out at the Children's Service Society
36. Participate in the walk for CHD this coming Saturday with my sister Sheri and her heart baby Connor
37. Run for the Cure with my friend Nicole next May (Olivia's brilliant idea I might add!)
38. The ideas are endless...


Think the little things you do don't make a difference? This will help change your mind.

Two men were walking toward each other on an otherwise deserted beach. One man was in his early 20s, the other obviously much older. The smooth damp sand was littered with starfish, washed onto the land during high tide. They were stranded there when the tide ebbed. Thousands of starfish were doomed to die in the warm morning sun.

The younger man watched the older man pick up starfish one at a time and toss them back into the ocean, giving them a chance to survive. The young man thought, “Why is he doing that? How foolish. He can’t save them all.”

As they came near one another, the younger one felt compelled to point out to the older man the futility in his action. “You know,” he said, “you can’t save them all. Most of them will die here on the sand. What you are doing really won’t make any difference.” The older man studied the young man for a moment. Then he bent down, picked up a starfish and tossed it into the water. He smiled at the young man and said, “It made a difference to that one.” Then he walked on, picking up starfish and tossing them back into the sea.

What we do for others who are less fortunate: the ill, the infirmed, the grieving, the poor probably won’t wipe out poverty, illness, pain or disabilities. Nonetheless it is a mistake not to act because we think that what we can do is insignificant and won’t make a difference. Because it does make a difference—it makes a difference to that person. And to you.

My home teacher, Steve, is often called by the local blood bank to donate blood. He has a common blood type and there is a consistent need for it. He always says yes to the request. He says it isn’t a big deal to take an hour from his schedule every couple of months to donate a pint of blood. “What difference does it make,” he says. The last time he donated he got an idea of the difference it makes. A nurse looked at his record and commented that he’d donated thirty-four pints of blood—more that four gallons—since he started donating some years ago.

His blood donations have made a difference to more than one hundred people, since each pint of blood is divided into three or four units, and a recipient typically gets one unit at a time. Without question his “no big deal” blood donations have saved accident victims from death, and helped others recover from surgery and even life-threatening illnesses. And that’s a mighty difference.

Wealthy people who donate large sums of money to worthy causes often impress us. And in comparison we see our contributions as minuscule. Our donations are smaller, but they are still important. Small amounts given consistently and combined with hundreds or thousands of other small but regular contributions make a big difference to those in need.

I would love to help build a Habitat for Humanity home. Those homes are built through many small donations of money and labor. Any of these donations singularly probably weren’t especially impressive, but when focused on the goal of building the houses they make a difference.

A wise friend once told me that I may not win the noble peace prize but I might be the mother, wife, sister, friend, daughter or coach of someone who does. Who is to say what is trivial in life?

It’s possible to make a mighty difference in someone’s life and not know it until many years later. A teacher (in a Caribbean country) once had a little girl in her class who had no shoes. One weekend the teacher bought the child a pair of shoes. The next year the teacher moved to a different school and taught there for over 30 years. Shortly after retiring she became ill and was hospitalized. In the hospital she was treated like royalty, and when she recovered she wanted to thank the person responsible for the special care. She was told it was the hospital director who ordered the VIP treatment.

When she went to the director’s office, she was surprised that the director was a young woman in her early forties. When she thanked the doctor, the doctor interrupted her. “I wanted to thank you,” she said. Her words bewildered the teacher. “You don’t remember me, do you?” said the director. “You bought me a pair of shoes many years ago. You cared for me, and you inspired me to want to care for others, so I became a doctor. And finally, I was able to thank you for the shoes.”

The young man was right, of course. We can’t save all the starfish that wash up on the shore, but he was wrong to say that the old man’s efforts made no difference. When there is an obvious need, then doing something is better than doing nothing—and doing something makes a difference.

Question # 2:

Why am I so emotional today?

Oh, Pioneer

I just finished re-reading Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". It helps me to become more aware of where thoughts come from, and how to deal with them. He suggests: 

* Start with awareness - I have learned to separate the thoughts I think from the person I am. I try not to spend a lot of time focusing on Identity....and what can be unfortunate is the flat out lies I have been known to tell myself. (I have another post coming on this soon.) 

* Take baby steps. Sometimes I see a problem in my life and I set out to conquer it, when I really do not have the strength or wisdom yet to do it. What can I work on and succeed at today? I may not be able to wipe out the entire thing, but what small part can I work on. I love working in my yard. It is a constant reminder to me that all things grow with a little care. And time. While I can't expect the whole yard to look lovely all at once, I can trim a few roses here, and pull a few weeds there until pretty soon, it looks like a small retreat. It takes hard work and discipline. 

*  Try to view all things as practice. When I decide to try to do something today, it's still okay if I fail. Today is practice, not the end of the world. Trying to better myself  doesn't need to be about a win/lose scenario. For example, Tolle suggests the next time that waiting for someone comes your way, to practice being better at the power of now...ask yourself, "How can I be present, right here in this moment?" And then do it. Whether it is waiting for someone to give me a ride somewhere or in line at the bank. Practicing being in the now can make the time more enjoyable and when the bank teller or my ride finally comes and they say "Sorry to have kept you waiting." I can honestly tell them, "I wasn't waiting, I was enjoying myself." 

When I was giving Morgen a ride to work one night the high school marquee read: 

"Time that you enjoy wasting, is not wasted."

My mom invited us to join her after hockey camp today, up the canyon where my great- grandmother lived. She's planned a picnic and has some stories to tell us about our ancestor who helped build the roads for Brigham Young and the pioneers when they crossed the plains over a hundred and sixty years ago. I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Happy Pioneer Day. 

________________

Post update:

Markus not only lost his water bottle at hockey camp today, but his mouth guard as well. He was kind of upset that he has to mow the lawn again to earn the money to buy a new one. Poor little guy!

The First Day

"I remember what you wore on the first day. You came into my life and I thought, "Hey, you know, this could be something." - Martin Johnson

I grew up seeing handwritten notes of love. My mom worked long hours teaching us and  she often wrote small, square papers on the bed for my sister, Sheri, and me to find. Sometimes it was just a smiley face, other times she simply wrote the words “love you” in her beautiful cursive, but it was more than enough. Starting in 1980, I started writing notes to my grandma who lived in Portland.  What I loved the most is that Grandma Jo always wrote back. The excitement I felt when I looked in the mailbox and saw a letter in my grandma’s shaky writing never disappeared. Even in college when there were tests to study for and work, I took time to sit on my floor and read my grandma’s letters the moment they arrived. By studying her handwriting, I could almost tell how she’d been feeling that day. In the end, her manuscript became barely legible. Those notes are now treasures.

The words "I Love You" from my mom, written in her signature beautiful cursive, birthday cards containing funny memories, and thank you cards from my friends, students and church members written by hand, and ticket stubs to games I want to remember are all important things I can't bare to throw away.

But I have to tell you, my greatest notes have come from my youngest son, Markus. Around the time I knew I was falling, my son was learning to write words. As I took the steps to be more present, he began writing me love notes. The timing on these couldn't have been coincidental, these powerful visuals fueled my efforts to take a step back.

It's been six years since I went to the game where Markus and I danced to the Macarena like no one was watching. But I still have the ticket, and the notes of love that he has written to me. I keep them here and there around my house. Now they are not so much for encouragement as they are reminders- reminders that time is fleeting.

Because the backward letters have disappeared. The floating letters have been grounded on stable lines. The phonetic spelling has become traditional and the letters are no longer gigantic, but small and neat. But the love, the love is still there.

Throw out some love -- it has a way of coming back to you. As you know I am a lover of words. So Markus inspired me to take 30 seconds on a busy morning to tuck a colorful post-it note inside a guitar case, on a pillow, next to a breakfast burrito, or in a coat pocket on a wintry day. All I have to do is imagine the smile on the face of the one who discovers it and I feel good too.

Notes

They have a way of creating connection despite the busyness of life. What calms a boy's school day fears can be found in the smiley face above the letter "i" or in the curve of an imperfect heart. What creates hope in the heart of a weary mom can be scrawled in all caps on a paper in a neon-colored sharpie and left on the counter. What makes a friend feel beautiful can be a bouquet of flowers with a note of encouragement. What brings my distracted mind back home can be a stick-figure family drawn beneath a giant yellow sun.

What I believe in and I loved can be seen in my handwriting 50 years from now, even after I'm gone. What really matters most in life is at our fingertips. So grab a pen and anything you can find to write on, my friend. Throw out a note. Watch love multiply.

And it may come back to you when you least expect it, but need it the most.

*****

 

Plants

{what a difference a month can make}

Remember my newly planted Amaryllis last month? Well, just look at it now! I keep thinking about all the unrest in Egypt and wonder if it was all peaceful and easy for the people over there last month, or if it was already starting to be a difficult time for them a month ago.

“If unmistakable personal revelation comes that we need to go on the road, I’ll do it,” my mom told my dad thirty five and a half years ago. Well, the revelation came and so did we. I began the slow process of un-planting roots here in the heat of the desert.

I really didn't know any different I guess, since I was so young at the time of my families escapades with the Ice Follies. The first time I remember living in a house was when we lived in California when I was about ten years old. 

That first spring, I began the literal planting of my small garden plot. It was in a rain ditch that had a lot of dirt in it since it hardly ever rained that year. Much like my brother, sister, and me, the radishes, carrots and beans we planted seemed to barely survive that first long summer. In the fall (and I use that term loosely!), we pulled up our plants with discouragement, and decided to try again the next spring. Once again, the plants slugged through that second summer, barely producing much for our efforts. But that fall found us too busy to pull up the plants, so they stayed in the rocky soil, and to my amazement, come Thanksgiving, they were overflowing.

Those same plants are still in my memory, years later. They weren’t the prettiest looking, and some times, they sat dormant, looking half-dead, but I know now that if I just waited a while, gave them some time and some water, they produced again.


I’ve been thinking of the plants lately as I’ve both struggled and loved the last 4 months with a lot of stuff going on at my house. Most days I am like those plants in the summer—not the prettiest looking and definitely not the most “productive.” I am trying to have patience that my fruitful days will return.

Tell me about the different seasons of your life, and the ebb and flow of productivity in your life. What helps you have patience with the challenges of different seasons? I am learning that there are times of great productivity in my life and times of hanging on by my fingernails where I measure progress by how recently I showered or by the height of the Mt. Laundry in my room. I have found that the life of young motherhood cannot be measured by to-do lists, but that end-of-the-day have-done lists can boost my mood.

Mostly, I have learned that taking my days one at a time and learning to see what is, shows me which plants are truly flowering, and which are dormant for a season. The pruning can be painful, but there is so much love in every step of the cultivation process. I try to tap into that love, to whisper “baby steps” when things seem at a stand still, to learn something every day that periods of stillness, of apparent dormancy can often belie growth of the most amazing kind.

“Be still and know that I am God.” 

I find that the more I am able to give necessary time to stillness, the better I am able to be patient at the seasons before me and the direction of the winds.

My COVID Experience

Three Good Things I Did Today...

1. I lived another day. 

This is not pessimistic but grateful thinking. I woke up healthy, breathed fresh air, enjoyed working, driving, cooking, smiling, talking, watching friends post about their adventures during the COVID pandemic. 

2. I improved myself. 

I didn't just do what I needed to do, but I made steps to embrace what is possibly the hardest time in most of our lives. I didn't break down, instead I worked towards improving the situation. I spent time reading, planning things, preparing for finals, signing up for fall classes, and learned a few new things. 

3. I made differences to people. 

In my own small ways. Figured out a way to help our immunocompromised patient's feel safer with masks and private rooms for waiting, called my family on Group FaceTime and shared my care, spoke to my near and dearest, and worked on a couple of blog posts. 

I do a lot of things everyday, but what's the most important ones among them? All may be trivial and taken for granted, however, I'm grateful to live them, and to find strength to keep moving even during such a difficult time. 

See Markus' COVID Experience here...

Happy Year

{You, yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. - Buddha}

On this, the last day of 2014, I tell you this not as an after picture who can't even remember that girl from last year, but as someone who has lived this past year taking two steps forward and one step back. For my willingness to give you this honesty, I am proud.

On most days, I kept a running mental tally of all the ways I messed up - all the dumbs things I said, the stupid things I did, and the inevitably unsuccessful attempts I made to help my boys awaken their self-confidence. How could they when I wasn't willing to lead the way?

It's important that we all realize we are beautiful and wonderful just as we are-light and dark, in our complete authentic selves.

{Know that you are not your worst mistakes}

Our past actions shaped today, but we are not what we've been. We don't need to carry around labels or mistakes from yesterday as if they define us. I want my boys to know: whatever you've done, it's over. It doesn't have to brand you, particularly not if you're making the conscious choice to do things differently now.

I can judge myself by the weakest moments or the strongest-that's my choice. I choose to focus on the strongest, and then use that pride for more of those moments. Every single time I feel good about what I do, it's one more reminder to love who I am.

{Know that you have nothing to prove}

I don't care how successful someone is; there are things they're proud of and things they're ashamed of, and inside they wish people would see more of the first and less of the last.

It's an intrinsic human need to feel connected to other people. And sometimes, when I feel alone, it's because I believe I haven't proven how good I am or how good I can be.

I want my boys to know they don't have to show the world that they are good. I don't want them to feel like they have to hide the things that they have done that they might not seem flattering. Just forgive and accept themselves and trust that other people will as well.

By being authentic I feel vulnerable-letting people see all my different flaws, trusting they won't judge me, and knowing at the same time that if they do, it's completely on them. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be real with people, and know the ones who accept me as is, than pretend to be someone I'm not.

{Know that dark is valuable}

So I have made mistakes-who hasn't? The beauty of having fallen is that you can help the world with your experiences. Because I'm human, I can empathize when other people are hurting. I can reach out of myself, forget my own pain, and hold other people up when they need it. And guess what? When I realize I have strengths and weaknesses and that I can help the world and bring us closer together, suddenly they seem less like liabilities and more like assets.

{Know that you matter}

I couldn't believe I mattered until a wise friend said it to me. I know I do matter. And that how I matter is dependent on what I do from day to day. Sometimes it feels stronger than others.

{Do something kind for others}

Do something kind for you. Do something kind for the world.

{Know that positive feelings and actions breed more}

Acknowledge your weaknesses, work to improve them by setting resolutions, but say loud and proud that they will not define you. If I start worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, I remember that I deserve to enjoy the present, but only I can make it happen.

{Get out in the world}

Do that thing that scares and excites you. Recognize that you are awesome for doing it, even if in just one small step. I hope that my boys know they have permission to not be perfect, and instead focus on progress. And to treat themselves as they would a good friend. With kindness. I hope it creates in them a revolution instead of a resolution.