Deep Rest

I read this today: "If your inner life is so blah that you don't enjoy anything, or if you know what you love but find yourself stuck in Yeah-but excuses, ask yourself, "How old do I feel?" If the answer is "Really, really old," you're probably too tired to embark on the sea of passion. Fatigue can cause an absence of physical desire (an exhausted body isn't programmed to win races or make babies), a loss of mental acuity, and/or a flat emotional profile."

At times, this may reach the level of depression. I read a story about a woman going into her doctor's office, slumped into the chair, and said she was depressed—only she said it so slowly that her Dr. thought she said "deep rest." In a way, this is me today. Depression can be part of a general shutdown, meant to turn us toward healing. A tired body, a tired mind, a tired heart can't—and shouldn't—be passionate about anything but rest. So - I'm exhausted, I need to care for myself. Curled up with the cat, Moody and watched TV, slept, read, slept some more. Eventually, I woke up feeling like it was time to go for a swim. Note to self: If I'm not feeling refreshed after a couple of weeks' rest, it's time to see a doctor. (That may be a condition, such as a chemical imbalance, that can be alleviated only through professional care, or so I've read.)

Often stuck people have learned through experience, example, or explicit instruction that passion is bad. You may feel stuck if your parents railed against sin or if your intellectual friends make fun of anyone who seems enthusiastic. We'll do almost anything to avoid shame. To see whether you have been disimpassioned by social judgment, complete the following sentences with whatever comes to mind.

If I didn't care what anyone thought, I would.....

If I knew my parents would never find out, I'd.....

If I could be sure I'd do it right, I would.....

I read those and thought of things I've never actually done, things that make me giggle with embarrassment, and realized I am probably forbidding myself to follow my passion. I have learned to expect negative judgments, so (consciously or unconsciously) I avoid intense feeling and anything that causes it.

The tragic thing is that I never realized there are places where I can swim with confidence. It's true that some social environments are vicious, but others are warm, accepting, loving. I think of the things that I'd do if they weren't forbidden. If they don't violate my own moral code, I'm going to start doing them—without telling the people who would judge me.

You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't. I know some people who are just getting unstuck seek support from the very people who got them stuck in the first place. They confide in their atheist friends about their call to a mission, or tell their pessimistic, preacher father that they want to dance, dance, dance! I don't want to make this mistake. I know what sharks look like, and the places they lurk. I am avoiding them. Instead I'd like to share my passion (nursing school) with friends who are likely to support me. In doing so, I hope I'll add social approval to the inherent joy of following my passions—and it will feel fabulous. I think.

What would you do if you didn't care what anyone thought?