Grizz Cup - Game #1

Max's Lightning team played in their first game of the Jr. Grizzlies tournament today. They played the Jr. Grizzlies team and held it to 4-2 until the last period. Max's friend Che, had an amazing game on the Grizzlies with an assist, a goal and a trip to the penalty box to help his team win 7-2. Next game tomorrow - arrival time 6:30 a.m. You've got to love it?!

Deep Rest

I read this today: "If your inner life is so blah that you don't enjoy anything, or if you know what you love but find yourself stuck in Yeah-but excuses, ask yourself, "How old do I feel?" If the answer is "Really, really old," you're probably too tired to embark on the sea of passion. Fatigue can cause an absence of physical desire (an exhausted body isn't programmed to win races or make babies), a loss of mental acuity, and/or a flat emotional profile."

At times, this may reach the level of depression. I read a story about a woman going into her doctor's office, slumped into the chair, and said she was depressed—only she said it so slowly that her Dr. thought she said "deep rest." In a way, this is me today. Depression can be part of a general shutdown, meant to turn us toward healing. A tired body, a tired mind, a tired heart can't—and shouldn't—be passionate about anything but rest. So - I'm exhausted, I need to care for myself. Curled up with the cat, Moody and watched TV, slept, read, slept some more. Eventually, I woke up feeling like it was time to go for a swim. Note to self: If I'm not feeling refreshed after a couple of weeks' rest, it's time to see a doctor. (That may be a condition, such as a chemical imbalance, that can be alleviated only through professional care, or so I've read.)

Often stuck people have learned through experience, example, or explicit instruction that passion is bad. You may feel stuck if your parents railed against sin or if your intellectual friends make fun of anyone who seems enthusiastic. We'll do almost anything to avoid shame. To see whether you have been disimpassioned by social judgment, complete the following sentences with whatever comes to mind.

If I didn't care what anyone thought, I would.....

If I knew my parents would never find out, I'd.....

If I could be sure I'd do it right, I would.....

I read those and thought of things I've never actually done, things that make me giggle with embarrassment, and realized I am probably forbidding myself to follow my passion. I have learned to expect negative judgments, so (consciously or unconsciously) I avoid intense feeling and anything that causes it.

The tragic thing is that I never realized there are places where I can swim with confidence. It's true that some social environments are vicious, but others are warm, accepting, loving. I think of the things that I'd do if they weren't forbidden. If they don't violate my own moral code, I'm going to start doing them—without telling the people who would judge me.

You'd think this would be obvious, but it isn't. I know some people who are just getting unstuck seek support from the very people who got them stuck in the first place. They confide in their atheist friends about their call to a mission, or tell their pessimistic, preacher father that they want to dance, dance, dance! I don't want to make this mistake. I know what sharks look like, and the places they lurk. I am avoiding them. Instead I'd like to share my passion (nursing school) with friends who are likely to support me. In doing so, I hope I'll add social approval to the inherent joy of following my passions—and it will feel fabulous. I think.

What would you do if you didn't care what anyone thought?

So many questions

Some of the questions I have been thinking tonight: What do I have in common with some people? They freed themselves of nocebos (the opposite of a placebo), negative identities and negative key beliefs. They believed they had the power to change, they deserved to change and they were willing to work for it. I'm starting with that.


Do you believe you can create change?

"Whether you think you can or whether you think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford

We all know whatever we deeply believe to be true we will make happen in our lives. First, do you believe that you can change? If not, why not? Did someone tell you it was not possible or you were a certain way or deserve certain things? Is it easier to blame someone else than look at yourself? Did you take to heart something you were told when you were younger? What is holding you back? What needs are your problems fulfilling that keep you in a cycle of addiction? Certainty, variety, significance, love and connection, growth or contribution?

Your state of being is a choice - regardless of what is occurring in your life. What's stopping you from sharing your divine potential with the world?

What is it you really want?

Weight loss, money, marriage, first place, power, possessions, even depression usually aren't driven by what we may think. It is all about the thought that triggers the emotion that leads to the behavior. For example:

Weight loss is never about food. It's about the emotion that drives the impulse to eat. Take a young woman's reactive pattern. Her mother constantly hounded her about what she ate or didn't eat in order to prevent her from becoming obese like herself. She couldn't control herself so she tried to control her daughter. Her daughters response was to rebel against her mother and the perceived lack of love by overeating and becoming obese. When the daughter recognized the decision she had made and understood the true intent of her mother, she lost 50 lbs, fell in love and got married. It wasn't really about food. It was about having her mother's love.

Headaches. Yes, the metaphorical headache exists in our physical body. A young boy is taken to numerous doctors and no one can find a physiological cause for his headaches. The family then takes him to Cloe Madanes, a renowned family therapist, author and founding member of the Robbins-Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention. She discovers that the husband is having a difficult time with his boss. He comes home from work and the venting of his frustration turns into a fight with his wife. The young boy learns that when he has a headache his parents stop fighting. When the husband found peace at work, the young boy's headaches stopped. It wasn't really about the headache. It was about the desire to stop his parents from fighting.

What is it that you really desire most in your life? What is really driving those desires? How can those needs be met in a positive way?

I want some more insight into having the life of my dreams. Until then, I will search for balance so I may act from a place of higher consciousness, a place beneficial not only to us but also to all of humanity. In this place, spontaneous healing, health, unconditional love, happiness and joy thrive. What does this place look like for you? What is your "happy" place?

Hurting

The sign read, "Mediation" and it might as well have said, "Cremation". That is how I felt. Some girls dream of freedom and flings for life. Others of finding the perfect person to spend life with until they die. Me? I dreamt of happily ever after for eternity, two souls in one, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Yet even with the promises of heaven, tragedy can hit.


As I sat there for three hours, I remembered reading this:

"The Coffin lies before me, rude and glossy and solemn. It’s smaller than I thought it would be. It should be much large for what it holds—years of memories. And my heart. Our dreams, unmet. And my life as it was, before. Who is going to carry it? Can it be lifted? Can it be borne? I keep staring at the coffin. Blink—it’s still there. Close my eyes, breathe, then peek again. Still there. It isn’t going away. It holds my marriage. My marriage is dead. Start the funeral."

My friends instinctively understand that the demise of any marriage is tragic, just like the death of a loved one. They don't want to know, “What happened?” or impolitely ask like they would about the death of a cancer patient, “What kind of cancer?” I wish it could have been saved. I wish more could have been done, and wonder if in years to come new medical advances will save more cancer patients and new research on marriage and families will correct the divorce rate. Until then, mostly there is just awkwardness.

"I have wished for a funeral for my marriage. Some outward display to ceremoniously acknowledge what I have lost, what I am mourning, and the changes it has forced into my life."

I want to be full of courage, and smile, and be at peace. Its not like anyone died. I just hurt like it.


 

First Loss

Max's team had their first loss of the season yesterday. Max skated his butt off and his friends Dillon and Jake both scored but it wasn't enough to keep the Kings from winning 7-3. Max was a little disappointed in his performance after the game.

An Assist, A Goal and Defense

Marky's game today was so exciting with Marky playing defense against the Kings and scoring the goal to put his team in the lead (4-3) with his backhand. He had a great assist and some killer defense moves as well.

One Word

A couple of favorite New Year’s Eve status updates I found on Facebook from two awesome (and honest) women:


“Setting my New Year’s Resolutions was easy. I just erased ‘2011’ and wrote ‘2012.’ Done.”

“Today is going to be an especially busy day. I need to lose 50 pounds and get married. Wish me luck.”

I laugh only because I know how they feel. When I reviewed my 2011 New Year’s Resolutions, I likewise found I could simply erase “2011″ and write “2012″ instead. While it is sort of funny, it is also discouraging. As the years pass, I want to feel as if I’m moving forward not just marking time. I did accomplish a lot of things in 2011, they just didn’t happen to make my list last January. Sometimes I think I should revise my 2011 Resolutions just so I can have things to check off.

ONE LITTLE WORD

My more preferred way to approach New Year’s Resolutions is a tradition I found on Ali Edwards a few years ago. Instead of New Year’s Resolutions, I select a word. “One little word,” as Ali Edwards says, to be my mantra and guide throughout the year. It isn’t exactly something I can “cross off,” but it adds a direction and dimension to my year.

Finding the right word is a serious business. It can’t be the word your children or your mother might choose for you. It has to be your word, the word that speaks to you–who you are, and who you hope to become this year. Oftentimes, if you let this idea work inside for awhile, your word will actually find you.

My first word in 2009 was Create.
In 2010 I chose Vitality.
In 2011 I picked Purpose.

MY WORD FOR 2012

This year, it has taken me a little longer than usual to choose. I’m not “done” with my other words and hope to bring them with me into 2012. But this new word might be my favorite so far. And maybe I love it most because it is truly such a great word.

The word is HEALTHY.

That's it, just be healthy.

Here’s what I’m thinking. I’ve always been proud that I could stuff an extraordinary number of “things on my plate” and handle it okay. But I’m discovering a full plate comes with a cost. To keep it all balanced and not spilling all over the floor, I have to continually do two or three things at once. I watch boys’ hockey practices while writing emails. I bring primary projects to the dinner table. I sit in church with my iPhone typing out my to do list. While many of these actions are out of the necessity of being responsible for 3 young people, I recognize all of this multi-tasking is keeping me at arm’s length from those very people I care about most. Often I am in the room (or in the car or at the game), but I am not really there.

So there is my new word waiting for me.

Be.

Be there.

Be here.

Be still.

Just be healthy.

I went to Max’s hockey game on Saturday carrying nothing but my coat (and my cheering voice.) When my boys wanted to watch the last (epic!) episode of Amazing Race, I sat down next to them on the couch and actually watched. At church on Sunday, I sat on my hands and listened.

Just be.

For a Mama who has spent a lot of time always trying to do, find, and stuff more and more into each moment, this is a new place for me. I am not sure what will happen. Maybe we will completely run out of clean socks. Maybe dinner won’t be ready until 8:00. Most likely this will not be the year I organize the basement.

And perhaps I’ll discover that all of that is okay. Don’t get me wrong, I do plan to accomplish some things in 2012. But I might try my hand at doing them one at a time. Who knows? This one little word might bring me my best year so far.

DC

Forgot to mention Markus' game versus the DC Wind on saturday morning. They won. It was fun. Hooray! lol

Paintballing

{Hayden, Marko and Max awaiting instruction}

{Suited up and ready for battle}

Paint balls and battles usually remind me of the Hunger Games. Only slightly more painful.

New Year

Sierra, Morgen, Casey, Max laughing it up at Grandma's yesterday.

Max's gift...

Sweet Josslyn fascinated by the skaters on the pond

Good food, good friends and lots of family

Shane with his daughter McKenna and son Michael

We all brought some soup to share - I made Chicken Tortilla soup

Marky was helping his cousins with grandma's bunny

Marilee with her children, Casey and Candie

Candie brought her boyfriend Chase with her this year

Somehow - people usually end up hanging out in the kitchen

Monet trying on the new sweater I gave her for Christmas



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Cute Cousins

{They all seem to like each other}

{and laugh and play together so well. It makes me smile!}

3...2...1...




{Happy New Year!!!}



{He may or may not have actually eaten any of the cake!}




{And Happy Birthday to Connor too!}

My little nephew Connor turned two yesterday and Sheri invited us up for a birthday/new years eve party at her house. It was a great night - complete with pizza, cake, presents, balloons, dancing and party favors! We celebrated the new year when the ball dropped at 12 (New York time!) so that we could get everyone home by 1 a.m.

 

{Connor loved his chocolate Cars cake}

 



{The little birthday man came over and plopped himself down on my lap. Such a cute little guy and I absolutely adore him!}

Hayden turns 14

My sister Lara's son, Hayden turned 14 today. He invited us to have lunch with him and then go paint balling. I am feeling better today than yesterday. I so dislike being sick.

This Time

Tonight, I’m pulling down all the Christmas decorations. The baby Christmas tree will be casually folded then cheerfully shoved until it (mostly) fits in the box it came in. The decorations will be jiggled carefully into their special container, the cards decking our windows put in the Christmas card bin, and the last of the mess will be swept up and away. At my place tonight, Christmas will be over, and we’ll be getting ready for new year's eve.


The big event is fast approaching, bringing much noise, chaos and dancing– the long awaited, much anticipated celebration, which happens to be my nephew Connor's second birthday. I’m not excited about it at all.

Sure, I have some presents for my buddy (as yet unwrapped), and my sister Sheri has sent out the invites. But I am just having a hard time accepting the fact that he will have to have his next heart surgery soon.
And that this time next year, he’ll be three. And that in five years’ (four Christmases and birthdays, one [please God?!] completed university degree and a whole lot of desserts) time, my eldest son will be old enough to be a senior in college and in this year, my fortieth birthday party (which, considering the last five years, may include straight-jackets as party favours – wanna come?)

He-Who’s-Nearly-Grown-Up whirled up to me recently and said “What are your New Year’s resolutions?” I considered his question, pulling him in for a hug. “You know,” I told him “I’m not sure I’m going to have any.”

He pulled his head back, saying “Whaaaa-? But why not?”

“Not sure. I haven’t thought of any.”

“Ha! You’re funny, Mom” he laughed then spun off to another game.

Every time I think of New Year’s Resolutions I think of a quote by Neil Gaiman:

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”

That’s a New Year’s goal, wish and resolution I can fully agree with and aim for, this time next year.

I don’t know what I’ll be doing, but I can hope. Hopefully I’ll be getting ready to pull down the Christmas tree and wrapping Connor-Man's Third birthday present. Maybe thinking about what resolution I should/shouldn’t make (more dessert/less dessert?) for the upcoming New Year. Most of all, I plan that this time next year I’ll be thankful I recognised I (hopefully) have five tiny, fleeting hurtles around the sun left before I kiss my firstborn farewell for eons, and that I spent the year accordingly. That I wore the year out with laughter and enthusiasm, with love and new memories, and look forward to more of the same.

Do you make resolutions?

Post Game Potluck

{Max had a scrimmage game tonight vs. the Bantam Dawg team}

{His coach asked me if I could organize a post game party}

{So I did, complete with pizzas, subs, veggies, drinks and more}

{The boys all had a great time playing and eating together afterwards}

How I spent my Christmas Vacation

Watching 61 boys playing hockey for 3 hours each day. Max and Markus both are doing the hockey camp this week at the oval. Since Max is skating with the older kids and Markus with the younger ones I spent the day driving them out and picking them up. I ran on the huge track that goes all the way around the rinks and watched both of their scrimmage games. It was sunny and warm and I enjoyed every second of it.

Test

So here is a test post sent from my iPhone. Let's see how it works ...

Personal

I am a personal person. I really like personal things. I like giving little bits of myself to other people, and I love when other people give parts of themselves to me. I love things that are homemade. This takes on a lot of forms. I appreciate that extra bit of heart in a lot of ways. I love depth in conversation. I like to talk about ideas and experiences. I have a hard time getting through without referencing a study or something really interesting from NPR or the Wall Street Journal. I love it when people listen to me, when they remember those things going on in my life, when they get excited with me over accomplishments or upcoming events and trips. I love it when they tell me about their ups and downs and great ideas. And compliments… who doesn’t love those? I don’t often forget a very sincere compliment. They go in a special place in my head (kind of like that top drawer of my 8-year-old’s dresser where he keeps all his school prizes, found money, and piñata loot) and they get stashed there for rainy soul days when I need a little validation.

{Max and Markus playing outside with their new Christmas Toys}

 

Then just today I came home from Christmas at Grandma's and found a surprise package in my mailbox (it contained treats and a sincere note). It was the most welcome thing, as I had just been thinking about what awaited me at home was a list of the most dreaded mom tasks imaginable—grocery run, post office, library, laundry, Christmas décor take down, 2 day mail sort, and an accumulation of business tasks. My night was made so much better by this personal offering.

I could go on and on about the friend who is known for her handwritten notes, homemade cards, sewing creations, or the one who sends the best birthday video messages, or the one who dutifully comments on my blog.

At a women's conference at BYU one of the speakers said, “Our love is often lazy in its failure to individualize.” This thought has stuck with me for these past 10 years. It reminds me to put in that little extra effort, to use my agency to make life better for others. It’s amazing how the smallest things are really what make our days worth living. So here is to wishing you all a personal 2012.

What is meaningful to you?

Silent Night

all is calm
all is bright

And then wham, bam, out of the darkness comes Markus crashing down his slide! It's Christmas at 5:01 a.m. And boy is he excited!!!

Santa brought him way too much. As usual. And he didn't think it was very much! Ha!

Happy Christmas!

Night Before Christmas...

A slide show through my December would consist of a mad-fast jumble of contrasts.

Twenty crazed minutes mid-Christmas Eve inside a crowded Walmart, accompanied by overloud, carnival-sounding Christmas songs.

A quiet, tearful hour or two spent with my frail and ailing–to be honest, dying–66-year-old mother-in-law.

Faces against windows, pressed closer to better see displays of lights and merchandise. Airports full of strangers. Streets and stores packed with shoppers. Some cross. Some kind. Not a one in any way as invisible or insignificant as they all seem to be to one another.

Primary children and adults in a crowded but cosy chapel. A dining and living room full of friends and family. Not just known, but also much loved.

Frantic (and exhausting) busyness.

Precious few quiet moments, desperately stolen from the demands of the day.

Smog. Sun. Grey. Green. Hurt and heartbreak. Love and Joy. Crowds. Quiet. Sickness. Health. Death. Birth.

Even knowing what I know, sometimes I don’t quite know what to make of it all.

Do you?