I {❤} My Boys

I’m strong headed – even more stubborn than when Ben knew me. I am strong and determined. These past few years I've felt often that I’m in the middle of nothing, breaking my heart and dreams against stone walls. But I've also felt that in the middle of nothing I'm somehow living a beautiful life with my boys, for them, because of them. It’s because of that determination, that stubbornness that today has been so nice. Because I look at Morgen, Max and Markus, wherever we are, and see the gift that they are. They’ve been given to me, and I've never let go of them. I’m stubborn and determined to share in their beauty, their uniqueness, their complexities and sheer insanity, as well as the frustrations, doubts and fears that go along with being their mom. And one day I’ll see them become fathers. And that will be another gift, in and of itself.

My boys are loved, adored, danced with, kissed while they are sleeping, hugged while they are awake, and whether they recognise the depth and eternal strength of my love for them is not the point. My boys and I, we have been through a whole lot of mess and destruction together, as well as excitement, crazy fun and contentment. I am proud of them, of being their mom, that we four are family, strong-headed, determined, faithful and looking forward with hope. Driving home tonight from Max's practice at the Maverick Center I looked in my rear view mirror and felt so proud that we find joy in each other, in being together, that we can appreciate our blessings, and celebrate whenever we are. 

When we got home and we were eating a highly nutritious, hot and ready Little Caesars, Morgen took me by the hand and led me in a little impromptu ballroom dancing in the kitchen. I think it was because Markus had been telling us about the home videos of Morgen dancing that he had been watching. Tonight felt like a congratulations on (almost, kind of, mostly, perhaps, maybe, stubbornly, somehow) surviving this past year.

{This selfie brought to you by the completely safe driveway. Don't snap and drive.}

Most Days

There is a change in the air.

I felt it this morning as I was kissing my boys goodbye before school.

We were on the front porch steps.

I felt that familiar crisp fall air and the smell that goes with it.

It is indescribable.

I am so excited about this change.

Just like the seasons, I too have changed, progressed and grown over these last few years. My life has come so far. 

I am so thankful for change.  It brings new breath and new perspective

on everything.  Sometimes change is unwanted, but we can decide to make

that change beautiful and worth our pain and frustration.

I hope I am doing that.  Most days I feel like I am.

Not all, most. 

{Sweet Grandpa stopped by our house today after school just to take us for ice cream.}

Hitting the Books

How I spent my day ...

Reading five chapters of Drug Therapy in Nursing. Test on units 1 & 2 was on Thursday and I felt like it didn't have very much from the textbook in it. I still got an 87.01% but next test I'm just studying the lecture notes. Just sayin'. 

You're The Best

I have lots of friends. I have friends I talk books with; go to movies with; friends I sweat on or near during Zumba; friends that know what I look like both when I’m feeling good and (especially) when I'm not, the way I know how they look at their best and worst. There are friends that suffer through the same exams as me; friends that I laugh and cry with; friends that live too far away and are buried deep in my heart at the same time. Some of my friends fall into one category; my friend Holly falls into the last. 

She came by to see me today after dropping her daughter, Emma off at BYU - Idaho. How do some friends stay in your heart even when you haven't seen or talked to them in person for so long? I don't know, but I like it. 

T.E.A.M.

First game for the Eagles tonight- I thought they played well considering who they were playing, however Max had some other opinions. He asked me on the way home how come the Grizzlies are always so good, and how do they pass so well? Do they practice that way or do they just know to do it? I didn't have any answers for him I mostly just listened and added a few of my own questions like what he liked best about the game and what he thought he could do better? He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I guess I liked that I was just playing hockey the best." He said he thought he could get better at talking to his teammates and working together as a TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More. 

Final: 9-0. 

Lights Out

Last night I tucked my boys into bed.

Markus always says "mommy" right before I shut off the light. That's how I know something has been on his mind. Tonight he wanted to talk about the events on 9/11. He was sad about the people who died. I was sad too. We talked and I could see the worry on his face melt away. Max had brought it up when I took the boys for ice cream after I got off work at the hospital. They had wanted to go down the "Long" hallway on the way to the cafeteria and as we walked the 700 foot long corridor Max told me how he had learned at school today how many people had been rushed to the hospital that day in New York. I had been thinking about it earlier in the day as well since I hadn't been needed on our unit so I had "floated" to the ICU. It was an intense day and I couldn't help but think about how crazy it must have been in those days and weeks following the attacks in NYC. All of the doctors and nurses that worked around the clock to help those who had been injured truly amazes and inspires me.

The most important things are said right before I shut off the light. My boys tell me about something their teacher said, a scary story, drama with friends, a pain, a sickness, a tummy ache, a headache, something that made them happy or sad or whatever. I hope I will always be around so I can kiss my boys goodnight and I hope that Markus will always feel comfortable asking me about whatever is on his mind right before the light goes out. Even when he is a big boy.

I hope when the time is right Morgen will be a husband who will help his wife feel safe before she goes to bed at night. I hope he will reassure her, comfort her, push her, encourage her, and love her for all of her beautiful talents. 

One Line A Day

A condensed, comparative record for five years, for recording events most worthy of remembrance is what my sweet friend Nicole gave me for my birthday. She hosted my birthday lunch at her house along with Kelli's since our birthdays are just days apart. I'm excited to use this book. Inside it says to turn to today's date, and fill in the year at the top of the page's first entry. Here, you can add your thoughts on the present day's events. On the next day, turn the page and fill in the date accordingly. Do likewise throughout the year. When the year had ended, start the next year in the second entry space on the page, and so on through the remaining years.  

I thought about the last five years and how today's date might look like compared to the last five years. So here it is via One Line A Day format:

• 2008 {911} Morgen's drawing of the attacks on September 11. 
• 2009 The boys still had on their red, white and blue, clothes from school today, where they had an assembly and sang the Navy, Army and Marine songs. I asked them if anyone talked about what happened on this day eight years ago and they said, no, they just talked about serving our country at the assembly.
• 2010 There aren’t many events in life that leave impressions as unforgettable as this one was for me. 
• 2011 Whenever I think about 9/11, I can't help but remember the actual flag that I stood next to before the opening ceremonies for the Winter Olympics.
• 2012 I sat down today with my boys and turned on the news and we talked about seeing the aftermath-- the World Trade Center collapse. 

High School Hockey

Max has late night high school hockey practices. He doesn't seem to mind...until it's time to get up for school the next day. :) 

I think Coach Russ said they have enough players this year to have a varsity team and two JV teams. Such a great big group of boys. 

How I Feel Right Now

On my 41st birthday, I did something I had yearned to do all my life.

I took the pressure off.

I surrounded myself with those who lift me up …

I danced and sang with the ones I love and didn’t give a damn what I looked or sounded like on the top of a mountain …

I indulged and savored every sweet bite and didn’t count a single calorie …

I allowed my true emotions to flow freely at the unexpected efforts of my parents…

I remembered the miraculous fact that my parents and my children were alive on this momentous day and we were all together in one place …

As my boys and I delighted in this moment when my past merged with my present, words of a treasured friend came back to me from our phone conversation yesterday.

Holly said, “If I can have a baby at forty you can finish nursing school. You're strong and I can honestly say that forty is freedom.”

Forty is freedom.

Why yes, forty IS freedom.

The pressure’s off.

And by the grace of God, it’s not too late for me to really start living.

Sweet freedom, in deed.

************************************************

Sometimes my inner critic lead me to believe I was not a good enough wife, mom, or human being.

I feel like now is the time to let go of this unachievable standard and start loving myself right where I am today.

My friend, self-forgiveness is a powerful thing.

And it is not an exclusive gift for those turning forty something, nor is it something you have to get from someone else.

Taking the pressure off is a gift you give yourself.

My Best Year Yet...

started with a treat. My friend Shawna is seriously in love with Kneaders french toast. I mean, she wakes up on Saturday mornings craving it. Since this french toast is heaven in your mouth but not to your waist line, she reserves our breakfast outings for special occasions. And then… well, it is definitely worth the extra calories. :) For my birthday this year, she decided to give me the bread and syrup to make it at home. I googled the recipe and voila! Kneaders divulged the recipe on Good Things Utah in 2005. So this is the real deal. Hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

Kneaders Chunky Cinnamon French Toast

1 loaf Kneaders Chunky Cinnamon Bread cut in 8 slices (You can substitute this recipe for Cinnamon Swirl Bread – but leave out the raisins. Or you could use any store bought cinnamon swirl bread)
8 eggs
3 cups milk
1 Tablespoon brown sugar
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 Tablespoon vanilla
2 Tablespoons butter

Butter a 9 x 13 glass baking dish generously. Place the bread flat in the baking dish. Mix all remaining ingredients, reserving the butter and pour over the bread.  (Update: I actually didn't pour over the bread.  It worked out better to dip the bread thoroughly in the egg mixture, then place flat in the baking dish – too eggy the other way.)   Cut butter into pieces and dot over the top. Cover. Refrigerate over night or at least one hour (I think an hour is plenty, and if you still decide to pour the egg mixture over the top, you do not need all of it). Bake 45-50 minutes at 350 degrees. Serves 8.

Kneaders Caramel Syrup

She also took me to get a pedicure last night. I feel so spoiled to have such a sweet friend! 

I Believe This Will Be The Best Year Yet

Text from my sister Darlin:

A Lifetime of Days

This is not going to be a pretty post. Nope, nothing pretty about this one.

But sometimes life’s most meaningful things don’t come in pretty packages.

This is the text from my mom today ...

My boss's mom died this morning.

My mom has worked for Brad for over 13 years and his mom, Marcia, was recently diagnosed with cancer and not given long to live. She was a sweet lady and often came over to talk with my mom while she was working. Brad was especially close to her and had her move in with him for the past few weeks. I won’t lie. I was disturbed. She will be missed.

As a child, I couldn't bear to watch Bambi’s mother get shot, and I still close my eyes during that scene. I was the girl who tried to get the mean boys to stop frying ants with the magnifying glass. I still carry house spiders outside on a piece of paper (if they aren't huge). I just don’t like seeing anything die, regardless how tiny it is.

My son Morgen was given a fish as a pet for his fifth birthday. Just when I was about to declare the fish bowl experience as one of the best EVER, things took a different turn.

Things turned dark, as dark as they could possibly get.

From the warm and fuzzy connected feeling that is life at its fullest, we were thrust into the cold and heart-wrenching feeling that is death in its finality.

I had been nursing Max upstairs in the rocking chair and came down to see Morg playing with his finger "Teck Deck" skate board on the kitchen counter, and Mr. Fish, dead!

BUT….I had to be very careful. If I was too accusatory or critical, I might lose my chance, and I am talking about my Real Boy. You can’t buy one of those at the pet store.

“What do you think happened?” I calmly asked my son, my Boy, who also looked quite depressed.

“Mr. Fish wanted to ride the skate board,” he stated.

Oh that’s nice…blame it on the innocent fish…make it sound like it was his fault.

"Mr. Fish had looked lonely swimming in his bowl so I lifted him out carefully with my fingers and took him for a "ride" on my skate board,” he added.

Yeah. I think I got that.

Since fish tend to be slippery little suckers, Mr. Fish had suddenly slipped off the board and inadvertently been run over.

I went over to console my oldest son, who now looked like he had finally reached his breaking point.

“I just don’t understand, Mama. Why? Why did my fish die?"

And for someone who really did not know what to say, something quite good came out of my mouth.

“Morgy, Mr. Fish is just glad he didn't die in the pet store.”

Huh? Even I wasn't sure where this was going.

He stopped crying immediately looking at me like he needed more…wanted to hear more of my (potentially lame) theory.

“Well, your fish was chosen. That is what fish wait for…someone to chose them from all the others. You know, life doesn't really start until you get out of the pet store aquarium and actually have a home. While he was here, he looked out of the glass and not did see a store; he saw a home. He saw the same happy faces day after day. He saw that he had been chosen. So he died happy.”

He was considering. I was holding my breath.

The agony on his face softened, “You’re right. That would be terrible to die in a pet store,” he agreed.

The death of Mr. Fish was not something I thought I would write about on my blog. There is definitely nothing warm and fuzzy or inspiring about it.

But there is a soul healing here.

When I watched little fishy swimming alone slowly in his great big bowl, it was almost as if there was a sign on top that read:

LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

One day you could be going along quite happily and then suddenly you might find yourself fighting for your life, or worse, you might find yourself flat on your back, being run over by a skate board, wondering where your life went.

***************************************

When I was in Sun Valley my sister Darlin showed me this article {25,000 Mornings}.  It says if we use average life expectancy numbers and assume that your adult life starts at 18 years old, then you've got about 66 years as an adult. (84 – 18 = 66) Perhaps a little less on average. A little more if you’re lucky.

(66 years as an adult) x (365 days each year) = 24,090 days.

Less than 25,000 mornings.

That’s what you get in your adult life. Less than 25,000 times you get to open your eyes, face the day, and decide what to do next. I don’t know about you, but I've let a lot of those mornings slip by. 

***************************************

Morgen has grown up from the days with Mr. Fish. When we were driving back from the Orthodontist yesterday he showed me the bands that, if he keeps them on until the 10th of next month, he MAY be able to get his braces off. After ten years of teeth torture, that will be one morning to celebrate. 

LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

I can’t help but think about the fish that end up dying in the pet store, never getting out to see what real life and real joy look like staring back at them.

I think it might be a lot like dying with a cell phone or a to-do-list in your hand…like you “managed” life, but never got to the “living” part.

I told you this wasn't going to be pretty.

I get lost sometimes

When I heard a lady named Joelle recite a part of this poem in her testimony today, I had to look it up as soon as I got home. It was attributed to Maya Angelou but after a little searching I found it was written by someone else named Carol Wimmer. 

When I say, "I am a Christian" 

I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!”

I’m whispering, “I get lost sometimes

That’s why I chose this way”

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I don’t speak with human pride

I’m confessing that I stumble -

needing God to be my guide

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I’m not trying to be strong

I’m professing that I’m weak

and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I’m not bragging of success

I’m admitting that I’ve failed

and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I don’t think I know it all

I submit to my confusion

asking humbly to be taught

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I’m not claiming to be perfect

My flaws are far too visible

but God believes I’m worth it

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I still feel the sting of pain

I have my share of heartache

which is why I seek God’s name

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I do not wish to judge

I have no authority

I only know I’m loved

Ride Your Bike

Free yourself from life's confinements and enjoy every mile.

More smiles per gallon.

My little sister Darlin was able to return to her home and her friend Joyce - who is also a spiritual healer sent out an email. In it she said, "It's the complete and utter distortion of time that has vexed me the most.  Dates and days have been unfathomable, without substance and meaningless.  

 

We held our breath and existed in one expanded moment. We prayed that we would be spared, that our towns would have the opportunity to grow and flourish.  

 

Now, under magnificant blue skies, we are beginning to slowly exhale.  

 

While not wanting to lose the meaning of the experience, we are tasked with moving forward with renewed passion and vision.   

 

For me, the choice is that either everything has meaning & purpose or nothing does.  I choose the former.  

 

To think that nothing has meaning or purpose makes no sense." 

Darlin has read in the science of Numerology the year 2013, reduced to it's simplest expression, is the number 6 (2 + 0 + 1 + 3 = 6). She told me according to Faith Javane & Dusty Bunker's book, Numerology and the Divine Triangle, the keywords for 6 are: "family and social responsibility, service, love, compassion, counseling, healing, creativity".  

 

I saw the opportunity to manifest that energy was literally brought to their doorsteps.  In service and in Love, people opened their homes to those evacuated.  People brought cookies and sent bandanas and offerings of food to the firefighters at the Incident Camp.

 

In the local paper, Weekly Sun, writer Karen Bossick relates how just outside the immediate threat zone driveways throughout the valley "began to look like used car parking lots" as the community made room for the more than 3,000 evacuees. My sister was one of them. 

 

I saw the community rise to the best expression of the "6" energy. 

“It simply had to be. The clearing was necessary.”

 

Darlin's friend also managed to host a Bounce Back event which had someone offering Healing Touch, another woman doing chair massage and Joyce and her mini readings. She focused on conversations with all who came by to bounce back.  She created a "Silver Linings" sign where people left messages of the blessings they felt. Community members wandered around, talking about their experiences.  

The Incident Command camp is pulling out the remaining tents and tractor trailers today.  Darlin said most everyone is welcoming back the rhythm and flow that is natural for this time of year. They can breathe and we will forever remember the gratitude for having survived the experience. To all of you who prayed, thought good thoughts, made magic or simply held a space of love for my sister and her sun valley home: THANK YOU!!!

You may recall that Swiss Days is this weekend. I plan to take my boys today again like I did five years ago.  The flowers will be bursting forth, like they were on my bike ride this morning. Some changes in these landscapes as Autumn comes to greet us.  I'll be writing more this week. 

 

In the meantime, as the calendar definition of Summer comes to a close, I wish you Happy Labor Day and leave you with this from The Beatles:

 

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

 

 

Useful advice

As an aspiring nurse, I’ve spent plenty of time in the hospital around nursing students. As a result, I’ve collected some useful advice from students on getting through nursing school. Some of these may seem obvious, but they can be easy to forget when you’re in the heat of the program!

1. Self-care is crucial. Get enough sleep, drink plenty of water, exercise and apply what you’re learning in nutrition class to yourself. You have to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.

2. Work hard with a system that works for you. Different study systems work for different people, and even for different classes. For example, I take notes on my phone with an app I downloaded and then play them in the car on the way to and from hockey. Other methods include making up songs using medical vocabulary and using flashcards and acronyms. Find study methods that work for you. Nursing programs are hard, so make sure you’re putting everything you have into your classes. Remember that what you learn will be used to protect and save lives later in your career, so don’t just study for the grades—study to learn.

3. Develop good study habits and be organized. I find it helpful to prepare for classes by reading assigned materials that we will be covering a day before lectures, and then reviewing them within a day after the materials were taught. There have been scientific studies that say this is helpful to retain information. Being organized is important for almost anything you do. I use my calendar on my phone with all the exam dates and other important dates, and also a personal calendar for the daily tasks I need to do. There are plenty of apps out there that will help you with organization skills. 

{Kim B., me and Heidi T. = study group aka support system}

4. Form a study group. Nursing programs are unique in that the group of people you know will most likely be with you throughout the program and take the same classes as you. So I have made friends. Even if I prefer studying by myself, I still remember that nursing is a cooperative career where you have to work with others to give the best care to your patients. My study group of nursing students has also become my support system, since they know what I'm going through when I get frustrated or discouraged.

5. Get a NCLEX review book. I had a nurse named Brett at work that put this on the list of things you could do from the very first semester because he said I should be doing this even when it’s not crunch time.

6. Believe in yourself and don’t give up. I heard this at Morgen's high school commencement, and it applies to me today. When times get tough, remember the reason why I wanted to become a nurse in the first place, and call on my support system for help if I feel I've forgotten or feel too overwhelmed. I'm not the only one going through this, it helps to talk to my fellow nurses.

7. Remember to relax. Have a good sense of humor, don’t forget to laugh and breathe even when things get hectic.

Bonus advice: Be the kind of nurse you would want if you were a patient yourself. This is the nursing version of the “golden rule.”

Hockey Family

As a new school year came so did another year of hockey for Max.

The boys have been on a travel hockey team for four years. This year Max decided to add in high school hockey as well. We thought long and hard indeed,

I understand that if you want to be good at something you must put in the 

dedication and time in what it takes to fulfill that. While I am sure the boys would absolutely be dedicated, I wasn't ready to give up the family time.

Especially dinner time.

I believe for my family to be successful we need to be with each other as much as possible- especially around the dinner table discussing our day, sharing our highs and lows. I believe that this has been absolutely essential for when two of my boys have become teenagers. So I was so excited when I read the email from the high school team manager saying that she needed help organizing the Hockey Family Picnic! What a great way to spend time with my boys and their friends. She is also planning on having a dinner before every Monday night practice.  

They are talented boys, and I believe this will provide a way that they can develop their talent and feel special through hockey. Hockey has helped my boys become strong, independent, masculine, and learn to move and hold their bodies respectively and confidently.

I am grateful for that. They will take what they have learned and apply that in everything they do socially and physically - that, I am sure.

First Day of School

The 2013-14 school year began.

My little buddy's left for school and we were on time- maybe even a little early. Max was excited to start a new year, excited for new friends and of course meet his new teachers. 

Markus, on the other hand, was not. At least until he saw these guys at school! Then his face brightened and he ran into class to meet Mrs. S. and start fifth grade. 

Look Sharp

The boys looking sharp for our annual back to school feast tonight. Max and I prepared dinner, and here is what we served:

Barbecue chicken

Mixed green salad with homegrown roma tomatoes

Asparagus with olive oil and sea salt

Warm fresh egg noodles with butter and freshly grated Parmesan 

Chilled ginger ale

Ice Cream Sundaes

Since Max had his first young men's choir practice for general conference tonight right after dinner he stayed dressed up in his church clothes all day, which really is just like an unusual form of torture for him. 

Afterwards Ben came over to give them a priesthood blessing to send them off to school tomorrow. All I know is that my son's are fine, and really that's all that matters. As for Ben, maybe this can be the start of a friendship. I can only hope. Because friends are people who have things in common, and what can you have more in common than the commonality of both of you loving your children?

In a way, he will always be my friend, for only one reason: that he co-created my three favorite human beings on earth. That's a pretty good friend.

Of course sorting out the supply list was daunting but kind of fun at the same time-except Markus never wants to go shopping for supplies with us ever again. We went to Target on Thursday and he was so upset because he didn't want summer to be over yet. 

I am welcoming a new school year with open arms. I want my boys to succeed and grow this year. It's Max's last year in middle school. Next year I will attempt to teach him how to shave his face and wear cologne.

Blah!  But he is growing up and I am excited for him.

Max got a new backpack...last year. Markus got a new one at the end of last school year. Their Uncle Jeff got them.  

Max told me he was ready to get a new one again. So we went to the outlet mall last Tuesday. After he told me he wants to keep his old one after all since it will hold his Penny board. He wants to ride it home with his friends.

I have the coolest boys in the world.  They are beautiful souls.

Since we were in the neighborhood...

We also went here...

And here...

It has been a fun last week of summer with my fun loving boys.

I hope you have the week you have...no pressure! Lol