Slow down Llewyn–Emily just gave birth to you yesterday.
I kinda feel like I just gave birth to my boys then too. SLOW DOWN. But really–I dig this age. I feel like I finally understand why I had to go through the baby and sleepless years: This is the reward. I mean, I love my boys at every stage, but certainly some years nearly killed me. Now that my boys are developing into young-version human beings…It’s all making sense. There was a purpose behind the pain. I LOVE who they are becoming.
So…I’ve been thinking a lot about these years–and how I can be the mom they need right now. You only know I’ve messed up enough in every other stage, and I only hope they can forget about my mistakes. But these days…these teenage years: They’re short! Today my youngest son's a teenager, and tomorrow he’ll be packing for college (Heaven willing. :)) He won’t forget these years, and neither will I. So, what’s my role as Mom? How can I help the most?
1. A safe place to figure themselves out.
It happens almost every day, and sometimes many times a day: Teenagers are always changing. They will change their clothes. Their mood. How they walk, talk or what they’re into. Some days they just need to figure out what feels right. Some days nothing feels right. Being a teenager is hard. Sometimes my greatest job as Mom is to act like I don’t even notice.
It happens almost every day, and sometimes many times a day: Teenagers are always changing. They will change their clothes. Their mood. How they walk, talk or what they’re into. Some days they just need to figure out what feels right. Some days nothing feels right. Being a teenager is hard. Sometimes my greatest job as Mom is to act like I don’t even notice.
2. Boundaries.
My boys need to know what is absolutely ok, and what is absolutely not. They may resist rules, but deep down they feel safe when there are clear-cut rules without exceptions. Make them clear and consistent, and have absolute consequences in place for when they break rules. Boundaries =Security.
My boys need to know what is absolutely ok, and what is absolutely not. They may resist rules, but deep down they feel safe when there are clear-cut rules without exceptions. Make them clear and consistent, and have absolute consequences in place for when they break rules. Boundaries =Security.
3. Freedom.
Within those boundaries, teenage boys need the opportunity to stretch their wings. Teenage boys should be encouraged…Even pushed–to try new things, to take some risks, to find adventure. Given enough opportunities for healthy adventure, they will avoid a lot of trouble. (Remember–“Idle hands” and all of that…)
Keep boys busy doing character building, exciting activities and watch them become men before your eyes.
Side note: **My personal Mom-motto has aways been “With Freedom comes responsibility.” The minute my boys act in irresponsibly, they will lose freedom. So the freedoms I give are taken very seriously.
Within those boundaries, teenage boys need the opportunity to stretch their wings. Teenage boys should be encouraged…Even pushed–to try new things, to take some risks, to find adventure. Given enough opportunities for healthy adventure, they will avoid a lot of trouble. (Remember–“Idle hands” and all of that…)
Keep boys busy doing character building, exciting activities and watch them become men before your eyes.
Side note: **My personal Mom-motto has aways been “With Freedom comes responsibility.” The minute my boys act in irresponsibly, they will lose freedom. So the freedoms I give are taken very seriously.
4. A Listening Ear.Boys need to talk. Even the quietest ones will open up when given the chance. Get them alone, in the car or wherever I can, and make it clear that I WANT to hear about their interests, and their lives. Being patient, and trying different times and places until I figure it out. I push through the ‘awkward,’ and bring up subjects that make my boys squirm (hello puberty!) but no one has died yet. This makes it clear that I am OK with any and every topic and I will always be available and comfortable talking.
**When asked what he most needs from me, this was the first thing my oldest son named. A Mom that can listen and not criticize or manipulate is a really valuable thing. (call me a work in progress here.)
**When asked what he most needs from me, this was the first thing my oldest son named. A Mom that can listen and not criticize or manipulate is a really valuable thing. (call me a work in progress here.)
5. A Sense of Humor.
This is the good stuff. Teenagers…are hilarious. This may be my very favorite thing about these years. No more knock-knock jokes or bad made-up jokes that never seem to come to a conclusion. Teenagers actually GET STUFF. There’s hardly anything like the bond of a good laugh with my boys.
This is the good stuff. Teenagers…are hilarious. This may be my very favorite thing about these years. No more knock-knock jokes or bad made-up jokes that never seem to come to a conclusion. Teenagers actually GET STUFF. There’s hardly anything like the bond of a good laugh with my boys.
When one of my boys come out laughing and want me to watch a funny Vine or YouTube Video, I drop everything for it. Or a running-man-on-that-beat dance party in the kitchen.
There is plenty of FUN and FUNNY entertainment out there if you look for it. A good sense of humor will get them through many trials in life–So I encourage it.
6. Touch.
Yep, my teenage son will likely pull away from me physically, and that is normal, albeit painful. But even the most rigid, sulky teenage boy needs hugs from Mom. I don’t make it awkward and keep a distance. I created a “hug a day” rule that makes it routine and normal. He loves it, even if I don't initiate it he will keep it. Like tonight in front of his friends at dinner after his hockey game. It was quick and almost imperceptible but it was there.
Yep, my teenage son will likely pull away from me physically, and that is normal, albeit painful. But even the most rigid, sulky teenage boy needs hugs from Mom. I don’t make it awkward and keep a distance. I created a “hug a day” rule that makes it routine and normal. He loves it, even if I don't initiate it he will keep it. Like tonight in front of his friends at dinner after his hockey game. It was quick and almost imperceptible but it was there.
7. Genuine interest.
What do my teenagers love? (scooters and hockey) I love it too. Or know at least enough about what they are passionate about so that I can have a decent conversation. This keeps doors open greater than any other gesture I can make.
What do my teenagers love? (scooters and hockey) I love it too. Or know at least enough about what they are passionate about so that I can have a decent conversation. This keeps doors open greater than any other gesture I can make.
8. Forgiveness.
Teenagers will make mistakes. Lots of them. They’ll act selfish. They’ll space out. They’ll get insecure and do stupid things because of it. They are going to mess up so much I’ll wonder where I went wrong. I know it’s coming, so it won’t throw me off. Consequences may be in order, but so is a whole lot of grace.
Teenagers will make mistakes. Lots of them. They’ll act selfish. They’ll space out. They’ll get insecure and do stupid things because of it. They are going to mess up so much I’ll wonder where I went wrong. I know it’s coming, so it won’t throw me off. Consequences may be in order, but so is a whole lot of grace.
9. Direction.
Listen Mom: teenagers actually WANT me to give them guidance. Sure, they’ll act like they don’t, but they do. Got it: relevant, and as brief as possible, but when I see them facing forks in the road, gotta go ahead and speak some good solid words of advice to them. Usually I quote someone they might respect. They’ll thank me, I think.
Listen Mom: teenagers actually WANT me to give them guidance. Sure, they’ll act like they don’t, but they do. Got it: relevant, and as brief as possible, but when I see them facing forks in the road, gotta go ahead and speak some good solid words of advice to them. Usually I quote someone they might respect. They’ll thank me, I think.
10. Encouragement.
It’s hard to be a teenager. (remember?) The world will yell and scream all kinds of negatives to my son. So I'm his greatest fan, his cheerleader. I believe in him with all my heart, and tell him that I do. Every. Single. Day. I’m not talking about phony, contrived encouragement (Everyone is awesome!) but the authentic kind that finds their greatest giftings, and speaks them boldly.
It’s hard to be a teenager. (remember?) The world will yell and scream all kinds of negatives to my son. So I'm his greatest fan, his cheerleader. I believe in him with all my heart, and tell him that I do. Every. Single. Day. I’m not talking about phony, contrived encouragement (Everyone is awesome!) but the authentic kind that finds their greatest giftings, and speaks them boldly.
11. An example.
They're watching. They get a lot more of an idea about what is right, wrong, good and bad from what I do than what I say. Since I don't want them to swear I have to make sure I do the same.
They're watching. They get a lot more of an idea about what is right, wrong, good and bad from what I do than what I say. Since I don't want them to swear I have to make sure I do the same.
A common key to pretty much everything I have named is to stay involved in a teen’s life. To listen, or discipline..to share a joke, or a hug…you need to be in close proximity to your kids. For those days that I work long hours or cannot be physically involved in my boy’s lives, I send snapchats to creatively find solutions for this. I feel like I will never regret making sacrifices or adjustments so that I can be present for my boys when they need me. And the thing with parenting is–I'm never really sure when they’ll need me. Max needed my car to get to hockey practice tonight, so when I came home from work he had made dinner, finished his homework after his first practice and was loading up his bag for his high school practice afterwards. Even though I was exhausted from my physical and emotional day at the hospital, I knew he was exhausted too from getting up early to take a makeup test from when he was in Colorado last week and coming home to finish a bug board that was due today too. I sat and watched his practice. After we came home and I made him a snack, he gave me a hug that told me I was putting my role as mom before anything that I possibly could, being there as much as possible.
