Confessions

One by one, they came through the phone confessing the news of the moment.

"I was kicked out of the game by the ref."

"He said I called him a racial slur. I didn't."

One by one, his teammates confessed their own version of the moment. When I spoke to Markus on the phone today a few minutes earlier I had no idea it would inspire others to step forward and say, “I heard Will say it.”

Perhaps we all have misunderstood moments in some form or another. Perhaps he is not alone.

The California referee cited Markus for a match misconduct. Before that was told to him, it was  called a game misconduct on the score sheet … and before that, it was a roughing. Before that, it was a check from the Jr. Ducks that Markus can’t understand how he was at fault, but its pieces were especially long lasting and snowballing out of control. All this time, I attributed these extreme reactions on a severe lack of judgement and on having the referee beyond reasonable limits. But while talking on the phone with my dear Markus on the way to sit out another game of the Best of West tournament in California, I uncovered something more.

“It happened when I was checked… when Will came over and the ref misunderstood,” Markus said about his 30 day suspension. “I guess Will told some of the other boys in the locker room that he didn't mean to call the kid on the other team an "Asian slave" it just came out and at some point in the madness around the net the ref thought it was me. When it wasn't, I guess he heard it and didn't know who had said it." I felt the urge for justice so strong that I feel I must take drastic measures.

See me.

Hear me.

This is me sending up a flare. I am in distress.

I thought back to the confession moments I've had before and knew I needed to speak the truth to Will's mom as soon as possible so that she could talk to him and set things straight. As people confessed their story and coaches assessed the collateral damage, there was one common factor … there was a resounding echo … there was a universal need.

Hear me.

Acknowledge me. 

Don’t walk away. 

Yes, Markus was weary and depleted when he fell apart at the seams … but more importantly, he were desperate to be heard.

When I informed my son that I had also just found his mouse had died today, his reaction was over the top. His voice rose and shook. I could hear the hot tears come streaming down his face. As I was about to cry as well, I stopped myself. I saw what was happening here.

This is his-breaking moment.

 This is him wanting me to hear him. 

 This is him asking me to stand in his shoes.  

“Oh honey,” I said calmly. “I'm so sorry this all happened to you today. What can I do to help? I wish I was there to give you a hug.”

“Thank you, Mom. Thank you,” he said over again. Two minutes later, my son texted me again, asking me to be careful not to overdo it.

My son asked me to "just please try not to make everyone hate me". As I made some calls, I thought about what I said as I responded, “No one can hate you for telling the truth.”

I think that’s what listening does.

Unlike dismissing, shaming, or shutting down, which exacerbates the pain, listening eases it … releases it … comforts it … and even heals it.

Although it is mid-January and there are definitely easier and more festive topics I could have written about today, I believe this one – listening to release pain – is what we need most need right now in the world.

“I am here. Tell me what’s troubling you. Maybe you don’t even know, but we will figure it out together. I am listening.”

And if you find the distressed, unreasonable, and maniacal voice is coming from your own chest, please resist the urge to run. Remember listening is love.

Especially when the person in front of us or within us is falling apart.

Listen with open eyes, ears, and a whole heart.

Listen even when it sounds like complete and utter despair.

Because that’s when listening is needed the most.

Markus texted me right before the game: "Will confessed." I responded, "I bet that was hard for him." "Yea - It was" "How you feelin bud?" "Alright" "Sorry you still didn't get to play." "It's good at least I don't have to go in front of the board" "Yes or leave California early." "Yea" "Love you."