. . . someone is born, someone else dies, someone gets married, and someone else has children.
My cousin that lives in Oregon just had her baby on Tuesday and posted pictures on Facebook. Two of my friends recently had someone die in their families. I read about both of them on Facebook as well. Just a post, like any other. My friend Jessika posted that her father in law passed away from Dementia on Wednesday, and then Thursday morning, my visiting teaching supervisor posted that her grandson that was 4 months old had stopped breathing in his crib and was being life flighted to the hospital. A few minutes later she posted that he had passed away. Another friend that I teach with at the rink is getting married in the morning and a friend from high school just changed her status to 'single'. Sunrise, sunset. You just never know what is going to happen in any given day. Which, according to Emily Dickinson, is what makes life so sweet, that it will never come again.
I have a friend named Dominique, that has been friends with my sister in law, Tami since Jr. high school. I met Dominique a few years ago, when her daughter Emily was in Max's class. Recently, she was reading a book about what she was going through. I read a review about the book online and it said, ". . . as a first-time author, she really could have used a stronger editor. Gillies often wanders off on awkward tangents, and the frequent lack of verb contractions can make what should be passionate exchanges sound oddly stilted and robotic." What are verb contractions? That is something I clearly never learned about at home school. So I started thinking about my writing skills and that I probably could use an editor of some sort for my blog. So bear with me until I can get a stronger editor. j/k.
I am working on it. As I was thinking about that though, our lives are increasingly being defined by work. Work at work. Work on the house. Work around the yard. And, nearly a full time vocation in itself, work raising children. In many ways, it is like each child requires time and attention, to a degree, of a full time job, times that by each child and you have an idea of how much responsibility lies ahead of you in raising a family. I can feel the grind of grown-up, responsible, married life the same as anyone. And sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to just drive off until I run out of money. It is at that point I realize I need to get away. I need a vacation, far from the obligations of my daily life. I surprised myself by thinking about where I would go by myself. I have never done that before in my whole life.
I actually got the idea from a book I just finished called, "Just who will you be?" In it, Maria Shriver talks about a Hopi Prayer that she read in a book and recited at Arnold's inauguration. It goes like this:
We have been telling people that this is the eleventh hour.
Now we must go back and tell the people that this IS the hour.
Here are the things that must be considered:
Where are you living?
What are you doing?
What are your relations?
Where is your water?
Know your garden.
It is time to speak your truth.
She goes on from there to say that she read the prayer over and over again and that those questions resonated deep inside her - and she struggled to try to answer them. That is when she decided to take a couple of days to go away by herself. She went to a beautiful place and sat, thought, breathed, and asked herself those questions. All she got were more questions. It shocked her - shook her core - and sent her on an inward journey to answer the question: Just who did I want to be? Realizing the true answer was about her heart, values and soul. "Who I am, not what I am."
"I've learned we're worthy of being loved just for being ourselves. I 've also learned it's ok to change. Sometimes it's not just ok to change, but mandatory. You can let go of some beliefs that maybe served you well along the way, but just don't work for you anymore. We're supposed to grow and evolve. We have to give ourselves the permission and freedom to stay open to change."
She wasn't talking about running away, or having plastic surgery or a dye job. Nor was she talking about throwing away our core principles and values and morals. Exactly the opposite. It's about letting life's experiences affect you and mature you. About going deep down and finding out where you're at and where you need to go next. Life intervenes in many ways; people close to us pass away. New friends come into our lives. Children grow up and leave. Or our interests change, and we want to learn something new. Old dreams and goals we once had might be something we decide to work toward. Or we are just plain stuck and need something different to jump-start our lives. That's the time to unwrap the person you are and ask the question:
"Just who will I be?"
She also said that everyone she ever met in her life who was interesting, who has a life of deep meaning and joy, is still open to new answers to that question, new opportunities for change and growth. It doesn't have to be cataclysmic, it can be seismic. Taking the time to know what I feel , in order to know who I am and who I want to be. That is a huge awakening for me, because I was always taught to power right past what I was feeling - to "buck up, and find a job." And that attitude did help me achieve a lot in my life. Because if you don't feel you fears, you are fear-less. But it also doesn't help me to know who I am. I have realized now that I have always been worried that others wouldn't think I was fulfilling my role in life - and that is no way to live.
Scrambling to live roles in every body's life but your own. I felt like I couldn't show up as anyone but the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect spouse, the perfect employee or the perfect mom. I was allowing myself to think of myself as all the roles I was playing.
But I have come to understand that I am a human being in my own right. Entitled to life, dreams, goals, and leaving my own story to tell. I have finally learned after all these years that I am undefined - not defined by a certain job or a certain name or a certain role to tell myself who I am. I've learned that all those things are simply a part of me-but they are not all of me.
I have learned that by taking a step back - by softening and taking off some of the armor I put on as a child and wore my whole life - I can more clearly see and feel the people around me. Now that I am not obsessed about whether I measure up to other's expectations, I have found a new gentleness and kindness in myself, for my self and for others.
What matters most to me now is what I expect of myself. That I know myself. What my heart feels, what my inner voice is telling me.
So just who am I?
Well, amazingly enough, I've discovered that tough, dutiful, responsible girl who always worried about what everyone else was thinking and always "did the right thing"- why, there's actually a passionate, creative, and adventurous person inside.
After my obedient life, I've been amazed to discover I'm actually a nurturing and spiritual person who seeks joy, peace, and love in my life.
That is who I am.
Right now. Until I am not. Then I will be B, but not the same B with the same motivations. And that's a good thing.
I will feel my way into who I am becoming. I will try to work on things that are important to me - like trying to think about other people and what they might be feeling. I will continue to serve in my family, church and in my community, because that helps give my life meaning. I will continue to pray, because I 've learned that when I do, it can sustain me. I will continue to encourage my boys to discover and pursue their passions. I will continue to teach them my life's lessons. Because that gives me joy and I am the only person on this planet with my story. Live, learn and pass it on.
I will try to help my aging parents deal with their finances, because that gives me peace. I will figure out what my next job will be, and get to it. But most important, I will live an authentic life that feels true to me. Living life as myself, not an imitation of anyone else, and not the reflection of myself in anyone else's eyes. I will be a work in progress. In other words, I am undefined...the rest is still unwritten. Meaning who I will be is up to me. Same as it is for you.
B meet B.
