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| 33 years ago today I got married |
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| Markus won his game last night with the Murray Alumni |
And while I was sitting at his game I realized that I need to forgive myself for not knowing the things I do now, when I was 19 and so young and afraid. I was afraid to follow my heart and do the hard things. I had so many things I wanted to accomplish in my life. And when I said yes instead of no or no instead of yes I was not living with integrity.
I logged in to my Al-anon meeting on my way to his game and listened to people talking about this same thing.
Step six talks about being ready to have God remove all my defects of character. Since I want healing I’m turning my will, my life, and my defects over to God.
I am making a list of all the people I have harmed and willing to make amends to, and I stopped dead in my tracks when I realized I am on that list!
Me.
19 year old me.
The young girl that I harmed by not listening to her inner voice- the one that said, wait. Maybe I don’t want to get married yet.
Maybe I want to finish my university of Utah degree in physical therapy first.
Maybe I want to compete in the professional figure skating championship- U.S. Open.
Maybe I want to drive a convertible VW bug.
Maybe…
I knew that I had harmed quite a few people in my life and let them down. Or been afraid of letting them down by not doing what I thought they wanted me to do to look perfect in their eyes. Like getting married in the temple. Or creating a perfect home. Or having perfect children.
But I had never thought about making amends to myself.
Forgiving myself for not having the courage to live with integrity and do what was important to me.
I suddenly felt as if a weight had been lifted from me. My reward for making amends with someone on my list. Me.
You never find yourself until you face the truth. ~ Pearl Bailey
