When you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing.

Real life photo shoot earlier in the day. Pink piggies on blue silk. White haired doctors. I turned my head for a minute. I charted on the computer then set up the delivery table and when I looked down, she was crowning. I gathered up the newborn team, traded gloves for sterile ones, and hoped for a nap. For me, not her.

Sun Came Up

Sunday. Sun came and went. Pale autumn sky. More banana cream pie. Poinsettias in the dining room. Wreath hung on the front door. Markus shot pucks in the garage and built a stick goalie. Morgy packed his bags and leftovers for the drive to his dorm and forgot his hair gel. Cupcakes for the sisters I visit teach. Cuckoo clock kept pace. Tea cups set for hot water, somewhere down the road.

All snowed in...

The letter traveled south to arrive safe. I dropped it in the mail on our way west, through the thick of snow. Snow! It brought out the wild one(s), crazed all morning before going skating. They banged on the piano then drum then ukulele. Marko played on the recorder. Max strummed the ukulele. Sonic Youth 2.0. We bundled up and drove into white, inching along the caked snow. Stopped by Target for raspberries, milk, and tree. I stood in line and overheard a guy at the service counter say, “I AM your Holiday, People.” And I believed him.

Stay Cozy

Leftovers for breakfast. Christmas decorations after. We parked at the pool where he swam as a kid. Salmon plum sky. White mountains. I remembered practice every morning. With friends. Arms arced through the air, a flip and a kick. Water splashed. Slip down the slide. Repeat.

So very thankful

In the evening, plates were set then filled and emptied again. We spent the day preparing for Thanksgiving dinner, turkey with gravy and stuffing. Cranberry relish. Mashed potatoes. Roasted carrots and Brussel sprouts. Hot rolls. Water. Salad. Then dessert. Cheesecake with raspberries. Pies: peach, banana cream, pumpkin. Huddled up for games around the table with the boys until, after my mom and dad left, we cuddled together on the couch for Harry Potter.

Giving Back

I made orange juice and toasted bread first thing. The news was already on the air. A wall of clouds is due into the north and they're supposed to unleash a load of snow. Marko stumbled into the shower and brushed his teeth so I could take him up. His pale white face meant he is still feeling sick. After we finished getting some groceries he ran then slid into the group with his friends. He put on his jacket and O jersey, hugged me goodbye, then climbed into the car. The day is starting from there. 2 News recorded them loading coats into the fire truck and blankets and food from all the people donating. I wrote about it here as he ate some cookies from the tray. Somehow, it worked.

Smile. Love. Dream.

I didn’t get around to so many things this year. Instead more compassion. Hand written letters. Gladwell's Outliers.  Living planet aquarium exhibit in Draper. Blog/story collection. Another week at the ocean.

Thankful & Grateful

Washed out gray this morning. I drove to work and remembered the rain soaked train ride from Zurich and Kleine Schideigg. Dark skies, white jagged mountains green small villages tucked near the summit. Soaked through to skin. My camera waterlogged inside my bag. Everything cold and wet. One roll of underexposed slide film shot. Those weeks drew a map from Switzerland to Germany to Austria to Czech to a small England town. From a little house at the bottom of the hill, where plastic swords and scrapbooks made up so much of any given day.

Love Every Moment

Morning broke in a hip hop dance as if straight out of a John Hughes script. Sixteen Candles. Breakfast Club. Take your pick. Up at 1:30 am and then intervals after, I slipped between teenage boys coming and going, and dreams. Max and the boys woke early and by the time I finally rolled out of bed, breakfast was over and the mad rush to the rink, Max off to hockey. Sunlight streamed into the living room casting silhouettes on the wall. It moved at light speed, looking up into the past.

Fall Ball

The football game was over (not the traffic though) while the corsage placement took place. Max went sledding in the mountains after the breakfast with friends. The coat drive made me shake like a rocket ready for take off long before we had everyone there it was just that cold out there. I gave three bags full while Markus' friend, Beau donated two and Aunt Lara gave us another. We drove to the store for corsage of Max's ordering. Out in the parking lot, the sky turned blue, powder to Periwinkle, like Hawaii’s wave.

Live It

I sat on the couch, stared out the window at the peeled off layers of autumn: leaves hustled by wind. The seven of us sat down together for lunch. Salads, quinoa, soup. Oreo's dipped in chocolate. French bread with butter. A culmination of whatever we ordered together in a snap and Nicole picked up for us. I had a tiny piece of each cupcake before deciding on coconut as my favorite. They left for after school pickup. Dishes packed into the sink. Toys mixed and spread across the floor. I walked away. From the soup recipe I jotted down and the raspberry lemonade and any sort of pull toward the kitchen. I walked past the living room and sat down in my car to write about our unbirthday lunch in my story. 

Resuscitation

Before I stopped by the library, I sped all the way to simulation lab and made it to Neonatal resuscitation class a few minutes early. On the way home, I heard about a motorist who was hit the day before on the same road I drove just minutes before I left work. Her daughter was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance that rushed by me. She died this morning. I said a silent prayer for her family and friends and held everyone I knew and loved a little closer.

Drives

After the hockey game on Sunday, we listened to Diane Rehm in the car. Markus fell asleep in South Ogden then woke up when he pulled in the driveway. We skipped going out again. I made grilled cheese sandwiches with leftovers from Saturday. Then ice cream.

Hairspray

Saturday night. Twinkled streetlights. Far away fields. We made it to the play and hockey before the end of the same hour. Beautiful Girls aside. My niece sang. Hairspray. Everyone likes The Sixties. It had something to do with evolution. I asked her where she’d heard that. She couldn’t remember.

Gratitude Changes Everything

Ah, gratitude. My old friend.

I’m obviously grateful for the beautiful basics of my life like my kids, my family, my friends and my home. I’m also really grateful for my work and for the many opportunities I’ve had to volunteer over the years.

But I’m actually really grateful for the mess.

Even when I’m knee deep in the messes of life I’m thankful for the opportunity to simply be alive - to learn and grow and make-it-through and be a witness to humanity and all the broken beauty it presents. I’ve been in that place where I was doubled over with sadness and fear and it’s tough to keep an eye on gratitude in those moments, but it’s possible. It takes practice and a commitment to coming back to it again and again even when I fail miserably.

Expressing gratitude is my lifeline. The process of identifying the things that I’m thankful for in the middle of the mess gives me so much perspective. It’s a tool I learned from my friend, Nicole. She’s awesome at practicing gratitude in the middle of it all. She writes handwritten letters, she calls to say thank you, she’s conscious of her blessings, she’s amazing at forgiveness and she’s so very real about it all and the struggles she encounters on her own journey.

One of the ways I practice gratitude in the middle of the mess is through memory keeping. I use photos and words to document my life and express gratitude as I write my story from one day to the next.  It’s through this process of documentation that I truly see (myself) all the things I have to be thankful for every day of my life.

Here’s to second chances, forgiveness, compassion, embracing imperfections and gratitude in this mess called life.

***

I’m giving this week long gratitude project a spin. Undoubtedly, I will fall and pick up again. Knowing this makes it easier. Still, I plan to show up to record a short photo and gratitude of my day. You’re welcome to join me. I’d love it really. Showing up every damn day to make this creative habit real.

 

Intentions

Sunday: hot chocolate, hockey, chicken bake and made chili, went down to the airport then Costco, listened to the radio: Paris declared war with Terrorism but how do you fight theology. Morgy was home from the U, I gave him a ride to the dorms and he showed me videos from You Tube.

A Kid on the ice

Is a kid out of hot water

Girl Night at last

The night lingered past 2 a.m. then faded with the turning season. No school for Max, since he's in Ft. Wayne with out me. Things were calm to start, babies of course but no sections or torn episiotomies or squeezed by forceps heads. By the second loop around the shift, the iodine and mag sulfate and desire for felt confections completely unnerved me, and the race to deliver the last twin, a sweet baby girl was on.

Close

Then one day I looked at my middle child and recognized the mirror image. Not in all aspects of course. The shape of his face, eyes, checks all matched. Beyond the physical similarities, I heard confident intonations in his voice that matched my own when things he held close, like hockey, flying, and the merits of white chocolate raspberry cheesecake.

11-11

I wish: 

{I could help them be grateful for those who serve our country}

{Fill their hearts with laughter}

{Help them grow wings}

{Nurture their sense of wonder}

{Inspire them to believe}

And love them like there's no tomorrow...

Chilean Abby

Sunday: The kitchen smelled of chicken and pork. After lunch, we found the time and went for a photo op, though it was only 2 o’clock. Heidi leaned up at the porch on the way back outside and remembered how the October sky over Aix La Chapelle seemed nineteen years ago, with Abby around for the first time.

Post

Warm air swept through the house in the evening. Markus and I walked the trash from the leftovers to the front yard then unearthed the Star Wars videos from storage. He took a bath long enough for me to begin writing a new post, then he stole away to bed with me close behind.

74 Things I ❤️ About My Mom

I love….

Her thirst for travel * Her ability to talk to anyone * Her fearless attitude toward adventure * Her laugh * Her strength * Her resilience * Her bond with her daughters * The way she can connect with other people * Her always super soft skin * Her sense of humor * Her motivation * Her cooking * Her wittiness * Her knowledge about natural remedies * Her love for snap-up house dresses… haha * That she can be happy in luxury or a huddle in a hill * Her green thumb * How when I need her, she is there * How she is often looking for a way to help others * How she can whip up a feast in 10 minutes when the cupboards are bare * Her tenacity * That she has everything but needs nothing * How some of her awesomeness rubbed off onto me * Her creative side * Her beauty, inside and out * That I know she always has my back * How forgiving she is * Her stories, she should write a book – seriously, Mom * How she listens to what her dreams are telling her * That she believes in Heaven * The way she dances, turns and all * That she knows how to ice skate * How she can tie knots that will not come undone * How she loves to go out to eat * How we have the same eyes * Our shared love for Asian food, Mexican food, Seafood and pretty much all food * How she supports me and my boys * How she reads every single blog post of mine * That even when she lived far away, I still felt close to her * That she moved back to UT  * That she does not give up * That she respects my opinions * That she can rig fishing poles up like a pro * That she knows how to do almost everything (at least it seems that way to me) * Her helpfulness with the family * Her love for animals * That she is not afraid of bugs, specifically spiders * That she is comfortable in her own skin * That she tells it like it is * Her intuitiveness  * That she was a young mother * Our tight knit family * That she admits her weaknesses * How she taught me how to ice skate * Her generosity * Her optimism * Her bluntness * How she texts * Her brown eyes * Her style * How she makes sewing look so easy * How on April 27th, 1982 she did not give up * How at her weakest moment, she was still positive * Our connection * That we are Kindred Spirits * How good she is at Scrabble * Her hospitality * Her cream chicken and potatoes * Making snickerdoodle cookies * What a hard worker she is * Her health * Her uniqueness * Our friendship * That she is my mother

Happy 74th birthday Mom! XO 

B

Banner Day

I went to PC for the championship game. Last night they laughed the entire night, over pizza and strangers and skates and pasta. No matter the subject, they turned it into comedy. I looked out at Markus during the game. He leaned back into the ice and pushed his dark skates into place. I felt, as I so often did with him, in complete awe. 

Round

Round Robin 

L

W

W

W

Pizza 

Work Days

I read chapter after chapter of Girl with the dragon Tatoo before and after dinner. His haunting black and white images of the Swedish landscape had been in my mind this week. I imagined this son of mine driving home in the view finder of my camera down back roads as he drove from PC down to Maverick and his game. The wet mount process was a painstaking one at work that required a speculum packed with sterilized cotton gauze so invasive not to mention cold I kept the gloves on and fingers out of unmentionable holes.

A year ago

We drove to Main Street where I hopped out of the car long enough to take in the smell of just made fudge and caramel apples. A flash of summer returned despite the waning fall days. I miss the disposable hours when we wandered in playlists and flipped through history in sound.

It's Off

Sleeping became routine. Too many 3 am nights sitting straight up in bed trying to position his arm back to sleep. He found his way from school to the surgeon's after. Pizza perfumed the house when he ate it and a bowl of spinach, peppers, and black beans. He began to move it, ever so slowly.

Don't Need To Say Much

The weeping willow tree out front acted as the focal point, not only for those of us who walked around the pond and its surroundings, but for the ducks as well and for those geese who ventured nearby. Its leaves now gold shimmered and twirled in the wind. One by one, they let go of a branch and dove into a pile below.

November Sky

A day trip to Trader Joe's often ended with a cinnamon broom, sprawling skies, and walk at the park.

AUTUMN IS HERE

There's a chill in the air and the leaves are a kalideoscope of brilliant colors. Let's pick apples in the orchard and visit a park to play in the leaves for the perfect jump. Grab a sweater, we're taking the scenic route. •••