Some Questions This Fine Thursday Morn

Over breakfast this week with one of my really smart friends, a question came up… Although I can’t quite articulate the question without a rapid-fire series of questions like these:


Is there anything better than people who accept us for who we are?


Friends who know our weaknesses but laugh them off and frankly forgive us?

The consensus over bagels was that she does. I have asked her to meet me for breakfast or lunch several times, and every single time, she answers, “Sure. When do you want to go?” So we had breakfast and went our separate ways.

But here’s the thing, she sent me this text: Alright I can’t stop thinking about you! It sounds like we need to go to breakfast again or on a hike soon so we can talk.

It means a lot to me. In this world where people scream at others for making a wrong turn or choosing the wrong word or neglecting the tiniest detail, it is so refreshing to know people who say– “You’re fine.” “I know you’re doing your best.” “It’s OK.”

Second Thursday of every month, for the last fifteen years she has been one of these sweet people. It’s part of the rhythm of our month.

And I’m especially grateful for these people– they laugh off my quirks and work around my weaknesses.

Fall is Here.

 

(Autumn books, pumpkin candles, ghost door mats, antique jack-o-lanterns, and doorbells)

Fall is here on B Street.

And Markus couldn't more thrilled.

Something about this strange holiday coming up that he just loves.

Almost as much as Christmas...almost!

Harry Potter books and owl

Spiders, and webs and bats, oh my!

He loves helping me put up all the decorations and is the only one that still asks how many more days until Halloween.

**********

Book Love

Book Love. It will make your hours pleasant to you as long as you live. - A. Trollope

  I am a book lover. Crammed bookshelves spill over to stacks on the floor or on tabletops and baskets. (Is it obsessive?) Right now I am reading three different books at the same time. I like the way books feel, smell and the excitement of what the words will say to me. My idea of a delicious day is reading outside for hours.

It is awesome to be able to read, to learn the letters of the alphabet have sounds, and that if you put the sounds together it makes a word! And words become sentences. And sentences become stories, and suddenly the magic happens. You can read! In How Reading Changed My Life, Anna Quindlen writes, "It is like rubbing two sticks together to make a fire, this act of reading, an improbably pedestrian task that leads to heat and light. Perhaps this only becomes clear when one watches a child do it."

On Fridays I help out with the reading program in Markus' class. What fun I have! I watch the class room of seven-year-olds struggling at various levels to conquer the sounds of letters, putting letters together, forming words, and suddenly realizing they are reading. When I take them out in the hall, one on one, to practice reading aloud, I watch stubby fingers stabbing each word, earnest faces mouthing silent words before committing the words to the airwaves. It is serious work - this business of reading - slow and tedious. After all, most of them are just beginning. Except for tall Lehav who can hardly wait to read out loud. When it is his turn to read, something electric happens in the hall. Lehav seems to size up a sentence before beginning to read; none of this word-by-word stuff for him. He reads with drama, his voice rising and falling. When the dog ran, his voice warned of impending danger. When the character in the story says something as simple as, "Where did he go?" it becomes a melodrama, a moment of adventure for both of us. This is reading! I smile just thinking about the miracle I take part in every week. The wonder of reading; the magic of words.  

Reading and words obviously go together. Words rightly used have the potential of making us shiver with pleasure. All communication, the expression of ideas, the interface of human beings is dependent on words. I can change myself with words and attempt to let you into my personal world, telling you who I am-and you can do the same with me. All of which makes the world more habitable and less lonely.

We also speak and create a world-a world for someone else to live in. The harsh destroying words of my angry father; the comforting, nourishing words of a loving mother; the name calling bully in school; the affirming words of a teacher about work well done- these are only examples of how people use words to create a world for someone else to live in. Words have enormous potential for good or for bad. It is likely that more lives have been destroyed by words than by bullets. More grace and joy have been brought to lives by words than by expensive diamonds. Words not only create worlds, they give meaning to our lives.

I read because it is a good way to bump up against life. Reading may be an escape, but it is not escape from my own life and problems. It is escape from the narrow boundaries of being only me. Reading helps me find out who I am. I read to feel life. A story should make you feel something. The right thing said in the right way, ah, that's the delight of good books. I read for pleasure. Life is more than meat and potatoes. Learning to see, to laugh, and to enjoy others is reason enough to read. I read to learn. I learn and gain perspective, an involvement of myself so that it translates into my life. The critical moment in a story may not be when we read what is happening to a character, but when the character begins to see what is happening we enter into the characters life. It never hurts to sympathize with other people. To stand in their shoes. 

There are many other reasons to read; as a way to work through problems in real life; as a way of celebrating life; for enjoyment; for entertainment and because you love beauty. Read to savor your life. 

C.S. Lewis wrote that any book worth reading at ten years of age should be worth reading at fifty. I read Anne of Green Gables again and again before I was twelve. I cried through the story, and cheered up magically only at the happy ending. Nothing I can remember in my life before that had moved me to tears, and then to a sense of delight, as did the trials and triumph of the life of Anne. Maybe it's time to read Anne again to remember the joys of reading. Children's books are some of the best out there. I am reading Fablehaven aloud with Markus. It is captivating! You may find yourself shedding tears of happy memories, and finding fresh pleasure in the love of books. 

   

It's like honey for your heart.

Bring it

Markus and coach Matt

Coach Derek telling Markus how much better he is doing at his stick handling this year

Coach Jeff with his sons Jake and Sam 

Coach Dave

Markus had his second practice for the Falcons tonight. His first game is Saturday and he is excited. I think he has a great little team this year.

Highland Highlights

Here are some highlights from Max's game vs. Highland on Saturday. His team played great...and still lost by one touch down.

Red

Utes game tonight

Falcons

Markus is # 5 this year on the Falcons hockey team

He had a great practice last night with so many friends that he knows from last year on his team, and his same coach.

Carnival...

The school carnival was today on this beautiful fall day

Max and Markus had a great time for about an hour or so until it was time to go to practices...Max had football and Markus had his first hockey practice of the season.

Cute Olivia and her friends



Max spraying silly string all over his friends...fun times.



Welcome...

Fall

Autumn Leaves


One of the nicest beds I know

Isn't a bed of soft white snow.

Isn't a bed of cool green grass

After the noisy mowers pass.

Isn't a bed of yellow hay

Making me itch for half a day

But autumn leaves in a pile that high,

Deep and smelling like fall and dry.

That's the bed where I like to lie

And watch the flutters of Fall go by.

~by Aileen Fisher~

Silly

Markus bought these hilly-billy teeth at the dollar store with his allowance yesterday. He wanted to get some silly bands but they were sold-out, so he came home with silly teeth instead. He has this innate ability to make me laugh. He has such a cute personality. My heart melted today when my 2nd grader asked me to bring lunch and eat with him. I was thinking about the day I had planned out, as he begged, “CAN YOU PLEASE?!”


I, of course, said yes. Regardless of what I had planned or how many errands I needed to get done, there will always be time for that later. As I sat at his lunch table eating a cheese bagel with him, I listened to his conversation with his friends. And it amazed me how kind they were to each other and to a little girl with a disability, sitting with them. I know there will be unkind words spoken, some intentional, some not, eventually in his life. With that being said, regardless of where I am or how old I am, I can use their example constantly. It’s up to ME to decide how I will handle each situation.

My personal therapist, aka my Dad, often told me, “No one can MAKE YOU FEEL anything!”

Meaning, if someone “makes” you mad, YOU are making the choice to be mad.

If someone “makes” you feel inadequate, YOU are allowing it.

Or if someone “makes” you feel dumb, YOU doubt yourself.

Hearing this through out my growing up years, I have tried to be responsible for my attitude–to ”OWN” my feelings. I really do believe Eleanor Roosevelt spoke the truth when she said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Just as my son is choosing his own attitude, I once thought I couldn't. When I was young, I was under the false impression that all adults were kind/considerate and never had hurt feelings. I was certain that survival of childhood meant I’d live happily every after. I realize now, unkind words or actions sadly don’t end at adulthood. So owning my feelings and choosing no offense, has become a life long lesson. A life long challenge!

When I heard this quote from David A. Bednar, I couldn’t help but remember the lesson my dad tried to teach me. He emphasized that we have a choice when it comes to being offended. He said it is ultimately impossible for another person to offend us.

“Certainly clumsy, embarrassing, unprincipled, and mean spirited things do occur in our interactions with other people that would allow us to take offense. However, it ultimately is impossible for another person to offend you or to offend me. Indeed, believing that another person offended us is fundamentally false. To be offended is a choice we make; it is not a condition inflicted or imposed upon us by someone or something else.”

It’s so easy to harbor hurt feelings and build resentment. Then the instinctive reaction is to project those hurt feelings on another person, because misery loves company. Using them as a learning experience, well that’s a lot harder.
I believe the actions of others can invite feelings of hurt / sadness / or happiness. The thing I have full control over is letting those feelings in and how I handle them. In all practicality though, it’s so much easier said than done, something my 2nd grader seems to have fully mastered.

Hunter

 Some photos from Max's game vs. Hunter on Saturday.

State Fair



Whitney, Markus & Max at the State Fair yesterday




Nadalynn, Tori, Whitney & Candie



I went to the State Fair yesterday for the first time in eight years. It was my niece Tori's 17th birthday and she wanted to go. She used to love to go there as a little girl when my mom would babysit her. I recall from childhood – or from reading to my own children – E. B. White’s story of the spider Charlotte and her campaign to save Wilbur, a barnyard pig. Charlotte wove webs above Wilbur’s sty proclaiming the pig’s virtues in words – “terrific,” “radiant,” and “humble” – she copied from newspaper advertisements salvaged by a rat named Templeton. Wilbur, Charlotte wrote in her web, was “some pig.” He won a prize at the fair. Moved by these events, Zuckerman, the farmer who owned Wilbur, did not slaughter the pig for Christmas dinner. Charlotte saved Wilbur’s life.“Why did you do all this for me?” the pig asks at the end of Charlotte’s Web. “I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.”

“You have been my friend,” Charlotte replied. “That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what’s a life, anyway? We’re born, we live a little while, we die. A spider’s life can’t help being something of a mess, what with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a little. Heaven knows, anyone’s life can stand a little of that.”

Sk6ers

Last night I had the opportunity to go see Stephen Kellogg and The Sk6ers in concert at the state room. I have to say it is the best concert that I have ever been to. If you ever get the chance to attend one of their concerts, go! You won't be sorry.

Medal of Honor

Toni skated early this morning and was awarded the third place medal for her Basic 3 event. I am sure she will wear it with pride as she did the last time she won a medal. Her mom said that she didn't take it off for a week. Amanda also skated again today in the Preliminary freestyle event and placed sixth.

Talent

Callie with her sister Irelynn holding her second place trophy.

Callie and her prop right before hitting the ice

Callie competed at Oktoberfest tonight

April, Callie & B

Amanda right before competing in her Waka-Waka program and finishing second in Preliminary.

Although it is still September, the Oktoberfest skating competition started tonight. Both Callie and Amanda skated great and each of them finished second in their respective divisions. Toni and Amanda compete tomorrow as well. At age fifteen Amanda compiled a list of everything she wished she could be: a world-class ice skater being at the top of her list, a list of all the talents she wanted was very, very long.

In reality I knew that although Amanda had talent, she would not be able to compete at the Olympic level. I struggled hard to find the right words to tell her that most of the girls her age were already at the Olympics. She has tried many sports and dancing and was somewhere between good and mediocre at all of them. Her natural ability and her excitement enchanted me, but I found myself stumped somewhere around her second year. I was also painfully aware that when it came to actually competing in front of people she was terrified. Not too promising. Still, what if? What if she had some support to make her dreams come true? It just wasn’t fair that she got such a crappy deal. Her aunt tried to be supportive and bring her to skate more often but it just wasn't possible while she was raising her five children. Now that Amanda has moved up here to go to school, she is closer to the rink and able to skate everyday. She has passed off two of the eight levels needed to be able to compete on the world-class level.


What’s a girl to do when she’s talented but doesn't have the support?

When I got my Patriarchal Blessing at eighteen I was excited to find out what talents I might have. Both of my parents’ blessings had detailed accounts of things they were good at and what gifts would strengthen their lives. But my blessing said only that the Lord has blessed me with talents and that I may discover them. No gifts were mentioned, spiritual or otherwise. But it did say that I "may know the joys of motherhood."

One year early in my youth I sat in Atlantic City, watching the Miss America pageant, the annual event produced to crown a winner. I couldn’t resist watching. Especially when it came to the talent competition. “What if,” I joked out loud, “your talent is something like skating? Would they let you do that onstage?”

For the first time in my life it really hit me that there are all kinds of talents. More than just the kind that can receive gold medals and rhinestone tiaras. I had heard that sort of thing a million times; there are lots of different talents, blah, blah, blah. But it struck me with force watching that pageant.

How do I find my talents? I wondered. What if my talents were things like parenting or photography? Things I’d never be good at because I’d probably never have the opportunity to try them.

But talents are magical things; when the time is right they will find you. I think there is some sort of God-given homing device that attracts people to the things they’d be good at. They may not be dazzling or even very interesting. We tend to think of “real” talents as things that win awards. If it’s not something fancy and stage-worthy it’s not good enough. What a silly, narrow definition of a talent!

It turns out I have a talent for cuddling babies. I can comfort just about any ones baby and make them feel at ease. Who would have thought that would be a talent? But it is and boy, does it come in handy (a lot handier than ice skating!) Eighteen-year-old me sure couldn’t comfort. I’m pretty sure that even if it had been listed in my Patriarchal Blessing I wouldn’t have appreciated it or even cared.

This is the other wonderful thing about talents: they aren’t supposed to be given to us like a shopping list. They are hidden inside of ourselves to discover at different parts of our lives. We won’t have discovered all of our talents by the time we are eighteen or forty. Or even sixty. I think if we keep trying we can develop talents until we’re too old and senile to think straight.

Listen to your heart. It will tell you about your talents if you let it. You’re not allowed to say, “that’s not a talent!” Just about anything can be a talent: lifting people’s spirits, crafting hair clippies, organization, scrap booking, gardening. The best way to find your talents is to try to find your talents. They don’t need to be impressive and they don’t need to be done perfectly.

Talents are the gifts given to us to enrich our lives and enrich the lives of others. It’s not about showing off or getting compliments. It is this spirit of love that gives meaning and purpose to life. As it said in my blessing: "There is no greater way to find happiness and joy in life than to live the gospel and to give unselfish service and love to your fellowmen."

Simplicity

I had just done my most radical act of parenting so far in my eleven year career of raising three children: 2006 - I had pulled my children out of all extra-curricular activities.




Even piano lessons.



The year before I had spent just about every afternoon driving little people to various lessons, games, practices and rehearsals. There were the accompanying happy experiences: pride and excitement as my son performed onstage for the first time; my sons becoming more flexible and strong through Karate & Gymnastics; the sense of accomplishment my oldest son felt after finishing well in a golf tournament.



But there was the ugliness of all the extra-curriculars too: the fact that I spent very little after-school time helping kids with homework and just being there; the nagging and fighting about practicing, the lack of decent dinners (I sometimes did something in the crock pot, but it just seldom seemed to happen).



So that year instead of becoming more accomplished we were going back to the basics: we worked on eating good meals together and getting to sleep early. That’s what our after-school curriculum entailed.

If you have school-aged children then you know the pressure to do everything; to try everything. What if you have a future world-class gymnast on your hands or a budding concert violinist? How will you know unless you expose them to everything, right? It has finally dawned on me that if I have a world-class anything, I’ll know. A prodigy’s talents do not hinge on a karate class taken in preschool.



I’d had to admit to myself that my children weren’t particularly gifted at any of the activities they had been involved in. And they didn’t really love them. I encourage them to be passionate about the things they choose to do. Otherwise, why do them? I want them to soar and enjoy the experience. But after a long hard look I realized that most of our activities were just taking up our time and money.



The constant busy-ness had been strangling me. I don’t have a go, go, go personality. I like things calm and unhurried.



There would be lots of tears and complaining, I imagined, when I announced our new plan to not do anything. But no. It seems that we were all pretty fed up with the crazy schedule.



We spent the next two weeks after school began hanging out with each other. I had the time to make a nice meal every night. We’d enjoyed leisurely dinners together full of laughter and conversation and then gotten to bed at a decent time. The simple life has ended up being pretty lovely.



We still continued to do Scouts and some church activities. I eventually phased things in slowly. But I planned on keeping the extra-curriculars in check. If a child loved something, that’s fine. But the days of signing kids up just to do something fun were over.

Long live simplicity.

Past Tuesday

This past weekend our Stake held a conference and the visiting authority who spoke to our congregation was Elder Patrick Kearon, from England. He said that you will know if the things that you learned on Sunday had really sunk in or not if you remember them past Tuesday. I thought that was a new way of thinking about that.