Ouch

The pain beat us down.

Oh they're going to a Huki'lau

It was early (4 am) when I drove them to their plane before it took off for Hawaii. My parents made it through two flights, three airports, and unsettling airport food for breakfast. They left Baby Doll with me. I felt like we all deserved a pair of wings.

Fall Ball

I forgot how much Max felt like smiling.

Blood Moon

Sunday: hot chocolate My Struggle: new charting; Stork Bytes, change scrubs, short walk to OR, side of labor and delivery not often seen, emergency hysterectomy after c-section, epic view of the super blood moon over the trees in my driveway.

Reminiscing

{Hale'iwa}

We drove from Honolulu to Laie in a hazy jet lagged stupor, dizzy and giddy all at once. Somehow we gravitated to the newly finished Marriott where we walked the beach, shot photos, rode pennies to the cultural center, and sat with Max while Markus drew a sketch of Shaka. We climbed back in the jeep and drove onto Sunset Beach where I crushed over the landscape and muted hues after we dropped our bags off and watched the sun dip into the Pacific Ocean.

Pins

On the first day after summer’s end, I watched a maple leaf take flight. We talked about people who are left paralyzed after injuries, said thank you for a fractured bone and waited for his turn for surgery.

Before

After

Jammin'

http://youtu.be/Gs069dndIYk

Broken

He suffered and swelled on the flight home. No amount of hugs, chocolate, or words could mend things either. I played a song on the radio to comfort him after I took him for X-rays at Instacare, then said he hadn't stopped playing even with a broken radial displaced. Brave. Broken.

Starry Nights

I fell asleep under the stars and woke in the dark quiet of my bedroom.

Markus & Beau

We spent the last Saturday of the season eating waffles, Getting Air, finishing and starting new hockey games, polishing off Cafe Rio, buying smoothies, and wishing we could have summer all over again. 

.

Grand Rapids

In the end, there was lunch. Four games played, the two he played in were won. Slashing caused him to have a bruised wrist and watch one game. The other he tried to play in but was in too much pain. 

Darlin's

These two have known since they were born that the best thing to hold onto in life is each other. 

Girl Night craft provided by Olivia 

Circles

Twice a day he raced outside and set the net in its place on the front driveway. I happened to peek out the window when he put the net out in the morning and noticed the leaves snap in the wind. I went back to reading the day’s headlines: Russia offered more military supplies to Syria and a new record pressing plant opened in New Jersey. We circled back to where we came from.

Things At Work

​

Your Most Important Thing at Work
(From Staff Meeting today)

• ​To make a difference in someone’s life.​​
• ​Be a valuable part of the unit.
• ​To know that I matter and that my patients feel the same.
• ​Be the change I wish to see in the world!
• To constantly be learning and growing.
• ​Be a part of a great team, that makes this most important day spectacular!
• Feeling like a contributor.
• ​Feel like a valuable contributor.
• Make a memory in someone’s birth experience.
• To take the best possible care of our patients.
• To be a part of a super amazing miracle
• Safe and happy patients.
• ​Helping people with one of the most important part of their lives.​
• ​Learning and working with fun co-workers.
• ​Giving the best care to my patients.
• ​Learning skills and working well with co-workers.
• ​Making best days.
• ​Being the best and brightest team we can be.
• ​Learning to be a great L&D RN.
• ​Caring and giving to my patient the best I can.
• ​Helping co-workers, patients and doctors and learning.
• ​Becoming better each time I work!
• Being a team player!
• ​Positivity!
•   Help others get a family.
• ​$--Making a difference.
• ​Our great team.
• ​My friends.
• ​Taking care of moms and babies.

Paycheck 

• Having a family is the most important thing in my life.

Everyone Smile

Monday: cereal, walk, vacuum, downpour, two hockey practices, reading in the car, pick up jerseys and jackets, team pictures, noodles and leftovers.

Those Summer Nights

Ninety plus degrees Friday. In lieu of swimming we ate Olive Garden and stayed in air conditioning. Work, skate store, bookstore, grocery store. We ate dinner in the backyard. Chicken, corn, watermelon, and a pan of noodles. Last of the lazy summer nights.

Life Isn't That Serious

Thin green beans fried in the skillet while I chopped tomatoes, onions, and a mushroom. In another pan, onions caramelized next to crispy skinned potatoes. As usual, I remembered my mother’s kitchen at breakfast time when she fried potatoes with onions and peppers alongside a pan of scrambled eggs. After the breakfast dishes were rinsed my Cousin, Grandma, and I walked down the busy road next to their house where the trees grew thick and the river lay flat. 

Remember, Remember, And Never Forget

They skated circles around the ice. I remembered to never forget and forgot to remember. We stopped for dinner talked up and down the table and back to the car.

I Can, I Will

Throw back Thursday to last month with these little guys...

Jax and Grey 

As I was helping a mom in labor today I wanted to help her feel like a welcomed spark to my life, not an inconvenience, annoyance, or bother to my day.

And when her precious baby girl was welcomed in to the world, I hope she will feel comfortable in her skin, not constantly wondering how many things she needs to change before she's loved and celebrated.

I noticed how her husband was heard, valued, and understood, not dismissed for being too young or too inexperienced to have an opinion or know what she needed to thrive. 

As if receiving my RN license in the mail helps me feel capable and confident, not incapable of doing something without constant supervision and correction.

I feel brave to bare the colors of my soul, not pressured to hide my light or play small to gain acceptance.

I hope after spending an hour … a day … a lifetime in my presence,

I leave your heart fuller, 

your smile wider, 

your spirit stronger 

your future brighter

than you could have ever imagined by yourself.

Depths

As my sons and I swam with turtles in a warm sea days before my NCLEX test, I remember thinking about my heightened awareness. I didn’t want to be this intentional only before tests or on vacation. This was how I wanted to live every day—keeping what was important at the top of the priority list … keeping it in focus … keeping it close to my heart.

But I worried. I knew once I took my final big test it would be autumn and school would've started and the onslaught of activities, demands, duties, and distractions would threaten to bury the meaningful moments of life.

Perhaps you can relate.

In times like these, it’s tempting to throw up my hands and say, “Why fight it? This is just how it is. This is just how it will be.”

But I can’t do that. I just can’t. Here’s why I can’t forget:

I can't forget what it feels like to be in a stadium with thousands of people from around the world watching the 9-11 flag being carried in.

I can't forget what it feels like to have a baby look up at you for the first time, only at you.

I can't forget the feeling of watching my loved one from a distance doing what he loves to do.

I can't forget the feeling of watching my son making me into a mermaid up close, close enough to feel his breath.

I can't forget the feeling of waves crashing under foot.

I can't forget what it feels like to bear my soul and hear the words, “Me, too.”

I can't forget the feeling of soft fingertips pressed against my hand.

I can't forget to notice the morning sun when it peeks over the mountains.

I can't forget to watch bread rise in the oven and feel the comfort that comes from the smell.

My friend, the weight of test anxiety, passing, consequences if not, and worry are heavy. Their pull was strong last night—strong enough to threaten my ability to hear and see what’s important. So I decided to pull up the Division of Occupational and Professional Licensing website and typed in my name. I half closed my eyes before seeing my name with registered nurse next to it.

Today I stared at a fetal heart rate monitor long enough and it all came back to me quickly.

What a Lovely Day

• Today I release myself from having to have everything figured out. Things are not where I want them to be, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get there. Today I surrender the need to create a certain outcome and trust that it will work out as it does in time. Maybe it will be even better than the plan I envisioned.

This Is 43...

My birthday is today and after months spent holding onto 42 as if it were my last year to fully live, I’m happy to say, so this is 43! Finally, I’m embracing it, graduated and all.

I heard on the radio this morning, on the way to take Max to hockey that Chrissie Hynde and I share the same birthday. Aside from my brief dabbling with the band - Pretenders - during my junior high and high school years, I think being my forth decade of life deserves a 70’s style drum solo tribute, don’t you?

Here’s what I know so far. My 40’s have all the makings to be the decadent years, my soaring age if you please.

Breakfasts with egg and mushroom casserole in bed. Long walks in the rain. Lunch dates. Photo shoots.

Hiking trips. A supportive outpouring of love from family and the best birthday present ever from my Mom and Dad (they made this picnic complete with balloons and cake and gardenias and cards).

A 2Pac rockout and so much more. Thanks for being part of it all. I’m off to celebrate and have more cake.

Note: The walk around Silver Lake was so popular this year. You could also skip the walk and sit down to watch the young bull moose with his mom for a more mellow version.

I hope your Labor Day was beautiful and peaceful as well. Thanks for working so hard. 

52 Years and Counting

The days when they waited around the rink for lessons at Lloyd Center and hiked up Mount Timpanogos were long gone. They moved to new soil, dug roots, and unboxed a future in that white house in the mountains. Years later, they stayed on. Through fallen trees, bitter winters, and children, they witnessed the sunrise and set with open hearts.

Swiss Days

Saturday: juice, walk, french toast, bacon, hockey, Swiss Days, prize winning booths and displays, rubberband guns, ham and Swiss, apple pie, ice cream, talking, drive home, bed.

#labordayweekend

As the last of the cookies baked in the oven, they rode home from school together. One from junior high, the other from high school—though they would have swapped for the thrill of it. Afternoon sun came in through the kitchen window and I thought this should be the kitchen hour, even with the music playing in the living room.

Five Deep Breaths

Last night, I slept little. I had planned to wake up early and take the NCLEX. Just not 5 am early. Picked up something for dinner on the way home. Late afternoon, when Max had hockey practice again, I came across a marching band crossing the street to the tailgate. I couldn’t imagine being a nurse in the war torn Hungary, Libya, Macedonia, or Syria for that matter. Staying right here to bring life in to the world, here where there is hope.

Make it a September to Remember

The park at twilight: mosquitoes, live jazz guitar, faint blush of sunset, cat stroll, first floor of the new house lit up, white paper lanterns strung on the porch, crickets sing in tall grass, car speeds uphill, twinkling star hundreds of light-years away.

Like Riding a Bike

Yep - Pretty much

Graduating Class of 2015