A Farewell To Tanner

My sweet nephew Tanner had his missionary farewell (not that you can call it that anymore! Ha!) today at his Dad's ward. Tanner spoke about his experience in preparing for his mission and his love for his parents and his Savior. He had me in tears and my mom and sisters too.

My sister Lara has been making food for days and planning the cafe rio pork salad menu for weeks. Everyone brought something to help either for the salad or dessert. The weather could not have been nicer outside and we all stayed and ate and talked and laughed for hours. What a nice way to celebrate Tanner and his choice to serve a mission. I'm going to miss my little Goober for two years and I'm so proud of the young man he has become.

Captain Markus

Lightning practice today was followed by a pool party at his teammate Oliver's house. While we were there, Markus was voted as the captain of the squirt team. He was pretty excited. His two assistant captains are Jackson (the goalie) and Isaac, his friend from Lightning last year.

His coach also talked about going to Sun Valley and Salmon this year for tournaments.

Clinical

I had my first clinical today at the hospital on the CVU floor. It went by so quickly, it hardly seemed like I was there from 6:30 a.m. to noon. I found myself baffled at all of the heart procedures being performed to save lives these days. Simply. Amazing. I am and will continue to be in awe of what nurses and doctors are doing to help. I am looking forward to working and contributing. Being self-employed has had its positives and negatives though. Today, for instance, while I haven't been able to catch up on sleep which I've been severely lacking in, I have been able to read a book for simple enjoyment, watch a couple of DVDs, go to Hunger Games with my boys last month, and overall regain some sense of equilibrium. Instead of feeling as if I'm being heaved and rattled all over the deck of a shipwreck, the waves have calmed a little, the horizon is staying remarkably close to horizontal, and the rope burns on my hands from trying to hold everything together are starting to heal.

Being gainfully employed has also given me time to think. I still have no idea of what is coming, or how to neatly categorise the rest of this year. Not having a goal is over, it's how I've lived and endured for the past significant while. I've asked the Lord what He wants. I'm not going to go charging (or stomping, or swearing, or blindly) off in my own direction - I want (NEED) advice, and maybe a shove in the way I should go. I know that God knows me, knows the way I think and behave, and I'll get an answer. Eventually. I have no panic about the future, because I've had nudges about what I need to do for now.

For now, I need to spend time with my boys. I have work (teaching) that won't make us miserable. I have to learn how to be less demanding of myself. Somehow, I need to pry open my fingers from around the panic and expectations I have on myself, and let myself be 'enough'. I need to stop. Look. And act. There's an obvious need to break down the walls I've shoved up to contain the damage, perform a sort of burial at sea for the fallen, and light flamethrowers to shine the way ahead. Even if this way will be a lot of hard work...

'It's better to light a flame-thrower than curse at the darkness' - Terry Pratchett

Dreams

I would love a television in my laundry room. Countless hours would go by so much faster if only there was something on tv to watch while washing and ironing the weekly daily laundry.
Dreams are something I have a lot of these days.


{Dream Laundry Room}

Health

I went to the Health Sciences building last Friday to take the admissions test for the nursing program.

Blessings Of May

Mom gave me this book of poems for my birthday. It is a compilation of all the poems and short stories my great grandmother Mayhala May wrote. I hope to be able to type them all in at some point - maybe next week after my CNA class is finished up. They are beautiful.

Mini Camp

Lightning mini camp this weekend. Skating, stick handling, dry-land training, barbecues, dodge ball, and friends hanging out in between all ten (5 each for Max and Markus) ice sessions. Oh yeah. Bring it on! Lol

Oktoberfest

Toni competed in the Oktoberfest at Cottonwood today and skated to Magic by Selena Gomez. She pulled a bunch of magic tricks out of her hat while she was skating and a second place finish.

All of her family, aunts and uncles, grandparents and nieces and nephews came out to support her. They presented her with flowers and presents and she made certain to go around and hug each one to thank them for coming. It warms my heart to see the love and support of family.

Highland Homecoming

My niece Kailey was cheering for Highland's homecoming game tonight so of course I went to support her. I can not believe how grown up she is.

{My mom and Dad with Kailey at the game, Aria and Cole}

{Highland Won}

{Beautiful girl inside and out}

Keep Moving

My heart has been a pain lately. It stings and being alone for too long hurts. The best way for me to forget about my pain is to keep moving.



{Hiking Bell Canyon with Robyn}

I keep cooking, keep driving, keep praying, keep cleaning, keep picking up toys with my boys, keep up with the laundry, keep walking, hiking, running, sweeping, weeding, typing, dishes, make beds, change sheets, vacuum, and dust.

When bedtime comes, I am usually very ready to lay this old body of mine down for a good nights rest. But before sleep and in the dark of night with the windows wide open I count my blessings. I have so many.

Dry land

{Hockey Monkeys}

Markus has dryland training after every practice for about an hour...my friend Kelly, Myles' mom and Sandie, Landon's mom, both coach the boys as they run, climb stairs, do squats and lunges and all manner of monkey type things. :)

I like to sit outside and watch as they run laps and I study for my test.

I was tired tonight after riding up Millcreek canyon today with Kelly. She kept talking as we rode all the way to the top as I was huffing and puffing. It was a beautiful day for a ride and the colors on the leaves were absolutely stunning.

Reality

My friend and sister-in-law, Robyn, moved here from Texas last week and when I went over to help her unpack last Sunday night she made a delicious lasagna for dinner and her darling daughter, Maddie, made me a chocolate cake to celebrate my birthday.

{Markus and Max with their cousin Nick
 and his awesome dog - Boston}

Some of the realities of getting divorced are just starting to hit me. When people that have been my friends and family for the past twenty plus years are all suddenly not family anymore. They are still my friends I hold dear. During my marriage I sometimes felt distant from my family because I was so preoccupied with my children and between that and my crumbling marriage - it was all consuming. And for nearly all of this time, I hadn't told my family what was going on, which only increased the distance. But after I filed for divorce, my friend, Olivia, told me so lovingly to tell my family. She said I would become much closer to them and she was right. It is an amazing experience, to feel, the entire family as they join together to support me. My parents & sisters call all the time to see how I am doing. My mom called today and I know I am really lucky, because she gave me all the encouragement in the world. They are helping to ground me if I need it. I was afraid to tell them as if I didn't feel I had a family that could support me in a healthy way during this time, oh boy was I wrong! I reached out to my family I love & admire. I choose to surround myself with people that will uplift me.

Popcorn Fridays

{Popcorn Fridays}
 

# - Every other Friday is Popcorn Friday at Markus' new school. I helped to serve it. Even with one eye swollen shut.

# - It was swollen shut from one heck of a bee sting. Following are some snapshots from a difficult day that was last Thursday.

# - The bike ride was delayed. By a total of three and a half hours. As difficult as it was, getting to Kelly's house was the easy part. She only lives about nine miles away, up Wasatch past Big Cottonwood.

# - Because the ride was late, I had to miss my PTA meeting. I know there will be others, but I had already committed and had to talk to my friend. You know the feeling when all your well intentioned plans starts to crumble around you? Again, stress I didn't need.

# - The ride was nice, and the weather couldn't have been better. Downhill riding from Wasatch toward the south end of the valley, speed exceeding limits, Kelly hit a key of all things. It was a single key attached to a wire and it lodged into her tire which gradually went flat as a result.

# - No problem, we thought. We both had spare tire kits attached to our bikes and had seen the whole procedure done several times. Only trouble is - it is ENTIRELY different when doing it yourself. We took her tire off the bike, disconnected the brakes, used the tire levers to remove her tube, reinserted the new one, making sure to keep any kinks out of the tube (or so we thought) and proceeded to inflate it with the CO2 cartridge pump.

# - First time, the cartridge went on to the inner tube valve no problem, I pressed the button and two seconds later all CO2 was gone leaving only a frozen valve and still uninflated tube in its place. No problem. We still has two more cartridges, I would try again. This time I made certain the valve was all the way inserted in to the pump. Pulled the lever. Nothing. Untwisted the cap to see if the cartridge had been inserted correctly...all the CO2 rushed out at once leaving the pump frozen. And only one cartridge left. This time was going to have to work, making sure both cartridge and valve were in the right place, I pulled the lever and prayed.

# - I heard the CO2 rush in, and then right back out again. The new inner tube had been pinched when we had so painstakingly inserted it into the tire. Three cartridges later and we were right back where we started.

# - I flag down a passing car. I have never done that before. A lady in a Cadillac SUV with the back empty. Explaining our situation to her, she willingly agrees to take Kelly, and her bike the half mile that it is to the nearest bike shop. I help her load up her bike and follow behind on mine.

# - Less than two minutes down the hill, I encounter the flying black and yellow insect who will meet his death on my eyebrow. Whack.

# - I can't believe it!

# - I stop my bike so quickly my knuckles are white. I reach up with my hand and swat the bee away. I see him fall into the gutter. His bottom half now pulsating into my eye. I ride the half block to the shop where Kelly has her bike up on the rack and ask her if she knows the best way to get a stinger out.

# - Interestingly enough, she does. It so happens that she had been telling me about a bee stinging her last weekend at mile 8 of her marathon. So she helps me slide it out gently with a wet paper towel and I wash my face in the bathroom. The store attendant gives me some ice.

# - I ride my bike, breathing deliberately.

# - Back up the hill to Kelly's house with a pounding headache. It feels like it was something I saw once in a movie. Distant, curious.

# - Kelly bought new tubes and cartridges. We ride and laugh. She looks terrific. We share war stories from races and seperation-pending divorces.

# - I ride home - through pain and traffic. Cars annoy me with how close they come to hitting me on narrow shoulders.

# - I am home. Put down my bike four messages on my voicemail. One "can you", one "twelfth grade son has one or more unexcused absences", one orthodontist appointment reschedule. Last message is from Nicole. I'm thinking of you, sorry to miss you, have a good day doing the things you can without the boys. I burst into tears, leaning against the wall.
Tears are over 5 minutes later.

# - I am home. Alone. But my sons will be home soon. I have people pleased I am safely back. I have survived another difficult day.

{One eye closed}

 

 

Rivalry BBQ

I was excited for this weekend's rivalry game - BYU VS. UTAH. Not necessarily because of the game, but because of the barbecue. Ha! Aaron and Laurie hosted a fun, fall feast at his parents home and while the boys watched the game all the girls stayed outside talking and laughing. It was my first activity as a single woman and it felt a little weird at first, not for long though since my friends were all there to keep me company.

Homecoming

{Morgen and Rikki met in Zoology class}

Morgen asked Rikki to homecoming tonight. I think they had a good time, from what Morgen told me about it.

Me: Hi! Tell me about your night?

Morg: It was fun I guess.

Me: Do you want to tell me what was fun about it?

Morg: Not really.

Me: Thanks for sending me the pictures.

Morg: uh-huh (As he is walking upstairs)

Me: You going to bed?

Morg: Yep.

Me: Good night. Love you.

Morg: You too.

I love communication with teenagers. I have been reading a lot of books and articles on talking to teens, especially boys dealing with depression and drugs. First thing I learned:

Offer support - Let depressed teenagers know that you’re there for them, fully and unconditionally. Hold back from asking a lot of questions (teenagers don’t like to feel patronized or crowded), but make it clear that you’re ready and willing to provide whatever support they need.

Be gentle but persistent - Don’t give up if your adolescent shuts you out at first. Talking about depression can be very tough for teens. Be respectful of your child’s comfort level while still emphasizing your concern and willingness to listen.

Listen without lecturing - Resist any urge to criticize or pass judgment once your teenager begins to talk. The important thing is that your child is communicating. Avoid offering unsolicited advice or ultimatums as well.

Validate feelings - Don’t try to talk teens out of their depression, even if their feelings or concerns appear silly or irrational to you. Simply acknowledge the pain and sadness they are feeling. If you don’t, they will feel like you don’t take their emotions seriously.

I know I have a long way to go on this and I'm learning to be patient with myself. I'm also trying to take care of myself and Max and Markus so they don't feel like they have to walk on eggshells or worse, feel like it is something they did. It helps to talk with my friends about what's going on instead of bottling it up inside. I'm not giving up.

Peachy

My mom brought these peaches over tonight. As I ate one I remembered these tips that I read about online- Three ways to enjoy the last days of summer.

1. Savor, don’t gulp, a piece of summer fruit.

Take a bite of summer fruit, like a peach or a melon, and chew it slowly, allowing it to almost dissolve in your mouth. Normally, we eat so quickly. But if we take our time, we can really be transported into an awareness of taste, the sense of taste. Plus it’s a way of pausing to enjoy the last bits of what summer’s given us.

2. Hug a tree (just a little).

Go outside and find a tree. Put your hand on the trunk, and then stretch your arm out, so you get a nice stretch across your chest. Then, while you’re stretching the next arm, take a look up at the green leaves while we still have them. You’re creating a healing connection with nature, which is far easier to do in the summer than it is in the winter.

3. Meditatively walk to the car.

Before everything gets revved up in the fall, slow your pace and really take notice of where you are, rather than just going from point A to point B. (Or talking on your phone.) While it’s still warm, slow down, because before we know it, we’ll be huddling indoors and back to rushing from place to place. —Lisa Elaine Held

Silver Lake

{Laurie's artwork that she drew for my birthday}

Saturday I plan on enjoying the traditional "Fall Colors Ride"...

It was about 14 years ago this tradition began. We, my girl friends and I, packed the children {jackets on} in the car seats and traveled up to Silver Lake and looped around to see the fall foliage. {If you are not familiar with how many children we have all together, that means nothing.} It was gorgeous. The weather was usually cool and cloudy- just the way I love it! I can hardly wait to go this year. Laurie knows how much I love our favorite place to see the leaves and so when she was up there with her family last weekend, she took a photo and painted a watercolor for my birthday. It took my breath away when I opened it. I love looking at it and remembering all the fun times we had. What a talented artist.

Playing Games

Max and Markus still like playing board games, while Morgen has moved on to his friends. I hardly ever see him after school anymore. I miss him.

Celebration of Life

I sat on my bed, but turned on the TV in time to see the unbelievable-- The plane crashing into the second building of the Twin Towers. I remember it vividly and whenever I retell this story the image pops up in my head, without fail. I still see the explosion of the tower. I still see the bursting red flames and clouds of gray.



{9/11 Memorial}

I remember that while visiting the 9/11 memorial in July thinking about all the names on the walls. The majority of them having perished in the attack, some whose remains were never found. Each name was a haunting reminder of not only how many lives were lost, but of how many people loved them, and how their hope dwindled of ever finding them again.

I sat down today with my boys and turned on the news and we talked about seeing the aftermath-- the World Trade Center collapse. I told Max about how school was cancelled the next day. And how the next weeks were filled with sadness and confusion.

I can never forget. And I never will. I have been there.



{Freedom Tower as it was almost completed in July}



All I can say is that I'm proud to have been able to see the memorial in New York City. A city so strong that it can never let what happened crush the spirit that makes it so great and so powerful. I truly love New York. We all remember on September 11th.



I recently read that this mosaic is more than fun and sparkles, its a beautiful memorial, “a celebration of life, [to] share with… neighbors and people who pass by to cheer them.” After 9/11, Brooklyn artist Susan Gardner began gluing bits of jewelry, mirror, and beads to her outside Brooklyn brownstone walls and has been adding to it ever since. Neighbors and visitors are known to leave broken dishes or jewelry to be added to the mosaic, I wish I would have known when I was in New York. If I passed by 108 Wyckoff Street, I would have left a little something shiny. http://blog.linseylaidlaw.com/2012/09/11/bedazzled-brownstone/

I love you, New York!

Biking

I feel famous. And athletic.

And it's because I've been biking with my friend, Iron Mom.

Have you heard of her? Her name is Shawna. She's talented. And kind. And one of the most accomplished triathletes I know. Many of us always joke that she could be running a triathlon, pushing a double stroller, conducting a stake young women's meeting & stirring a batch of homemade "cafe rio" chicken salad all at the same time.

{Sharon, Shawna, B, Sarah, and Alisa}

On my birthday, she organized the ladies at church for me by planning a "breakfast bike ride". It was so humbling to see this unfold - these women offered me a gourmet breakfast at Normandy restaurant, babysitting, companionship on bike rides (worth so much to me!), homemade baked goods, photography sessions, handmade jewelry, and cold stone gift cards. So fun, right? (Especially when all these women are mega-talented!) Well, truth is, I loved it. Haha! :) We met up at Seven-Eleven, and we surprisingly biked further than I thought we would. It was so easy to keep going because we were chatting away & having great conversation and enjoying the beautiful scenery and fresh air. It felt exhilarating & therapeutic. There is just something about moving that helps to make your mind clear & full of energy. And, afterwards I felt powerful & even younger! (Yes! It does something to my I-feel-young-endorphins in just one bike ride.) I highly recommend it to anyone turning forty this year! (Or at least some other form of great exercise.) I look forward to our bike rides every week. But this one was something special.