Ghost Riding

When ghosts go riding and black cats are seen, the moon laughs and whispers is in deed HALLOWEEN

happy birthday ivy

{Dear Sis} 

Thank you for being born 6th and not 5th because someone like me had to be the older sister and clearly with my bossy nature I’m better equipped to handle that responsibility.  Thank you for always being so agreeable whenever I made you do something, wear something, or say something you didn’t understand just to get a laugh. 

Thank you for being 3 inches to the left when you launched that battery across the basement to try and scare me because if you had not been 3 inches to the left the scar I have above my eye from that D battery might have hit between my eyes and I might not be as smart or musically talented as I am today.

Thank you for making that mix tape we used to listen to as kids when we shared a room and accepting Kirk Cameron as your boyfriend just so I could have Ricky Schroder as my boyfriend while we watched Silver Spoons reruns on TV instead of doing home-school.

Thank you for tolerating the fact that I have recently started introducing you as my older sister to strangers just to see the look of confusion that crosses people’s faces.

Thank you for almost but not actually fainting from low blood sugar in those moments right after I walked out of the temple as my maid of honor at my wedding because you forgot to eat that day. 

Thank you for giving me your secret chicken casserole recipe and I won’t tell anyone you don’t actually eat any of it. Oh, oops. 

Thank you for making me laugh every single time I talk to you on the phone like last time when we each described in detail our five step technique for perfect house cleaning.

Thank you for starting the anti birthday card tradition between us in years past. 

Thank you for taking that impromptu trip to Sun Valley with me eighteen years ago and for allowing me the great pleasure of taking you to Despo's and Gretchen's and we talked and laughed so much we were hoarse and could barely speak on the car ride home except to bust out into random songs from when we were kids.  And why have we never taken a picture of us together since this one from 2015?  Hmmmmm?  Your fault.

Thank you for always being supportive and bragging about me to perfect strangers. I could never do that. Thank you for being the strongest woman of humility I know and for showing me time and again how very nice and generous you are. You’re really good at that.  

{Tori, mom and Ivy ~ May 2016}

Thank you for not caring when the kids interrupt me five times in five minutes when I’m on the phone with you and for listening to me talk about things that help me and always keeping my confidence.   

Happy Birthday Sis, I love ya as much as I loved my curly hair in 1988. 

Your *younger* sister, 

xoxo,

Brendi-Boo

balance

never let success go to your head...

and never let failure go to your heart.

She Loved Life

{And it loved her right back}

{Ramen bar after a trip to the hockey store}

{New iPhone for Markus}

{Max writing a paper for psychology}

all while being on call for work...

Max's Top 10

#24

West Coast Renegades * #24 * Murray Hockey * #8 * GPA 3.2 * favorite class RN Environmental Science * Hockey trip to Chicago next Thursday * Preslee * Skateboarding with Markus * Sleep

Sleepless in SL

{Markus and friends}

Monday was the last day of fall break and we took full advantage of it. Hitting the skate parks and skating rinks in full force. I'm kind of enjoying this golden fall weather right now and love looking out my kitchen window at all the colored leaves. I worked the night shift last night and had one of the most horrific experiences I've seen yet. This first time mom had every intention of having a vaginal birth and her doctor tried everything he could to let her, including an episiotomy, vacuum extractor and ultimately ended with a cesarean section. Her pelvic size and babies head just didn't match. In the recovery room she hemorrhaged, and if you're not familiar with a postpartum hemorrhage let me show you...

{my patient lost 1580 ml of blood}

So she was somewhere between the lower left two photos. I haven't seen that much blood all in one place since, well, ever. It was a scary experience for her and although I gave her all the drugs I had and applied continuous pressure to her uterus, replacing her blood lost with IV fluids and giving her oxygen until she started to come out of shock I still felt like it was a traumatic experience. I know I need to get some sleep and I will feel better, I just wish I could stop replaying it in my head. 

100 t h i n g s

100 things that make him happy---

the smell of bacon cooking {whole series of Tanner Fox videos to watch on youTube}  rainbow looming  t-shirts and hats  working on a project  warm chocolate chip cookies   **** Vine   watching a sunset from the roof   a glass of milk with dinner   ~   a water bottle at practice   watching a Chicago Cubs game Outliers Hockey Academy   art   making bracelets  warm chocolate chip cookies  new clothes browsing the internet duct tape  getting handwritten notes  hockey new rinks  no school  blankets made with fluffy yarn scooters  max  my family (always) my new helmet cage  drones  hip-hop music  eating popcorn at the movies  having photos taken  living close to school to walk home  floor hockey  dirty room  the smell of cinnamon applesauce  a good burrito  family movie night  baseball cards  chicken and biscuits  downtown public library  pearler beads  my new shelves  the smell of grass  snowboarding culture  Studio C  watching Netflix  Amazon  our play room  92.5 FM  watching a BYU football game  Sunday rides through the park  a nice new puck  learning something new  long snapchat streaks with Katie  learning a new hockey skill  putting on a defense clinic  chicken casserole  Christmas Morning  FaceTime with Gavin  a warm towel after my shower  a trampoline in my yard  CHEESECAKE  road trips  green apples from the farmer's market  picture of me as a tiger :) fresh fruit  iPhone 7   the Funk Bros.  gallon of lemonade  roller coasters  tail whip  marbles  Dole whips Christmas caroling  dirty clothes on the floor  cheese bagels  entering giveaways  Sherlock episodes  scout camp  sleepovers   playing the drums   first strides on the ice  a-long-weekend  digital edits  hugs from my mom  singing in the shower

Fall Break

Get Air

Our last day of fall break and it wouldn't be complete without a trip to Get Air or for lunch at Cafe Rio. Markus received a gift card from the dentist after he went in to have his chipped tooth repaired yet again from the brunt of Gavin's elbow at one of three sleepovers he has had during this beautiful fall break.

Loving Fall

Even the leaves fall for you

These Dudes Fall List:

• try a new pumpkin recipe
• drive through fall leaves
• pick out pumpkins from a patch
• make caramel apples
• drink hot apple cider
• dress up for halloween
• go to a football game
• watch a scary movie
• carve a pumpkin
• eat candy corn
• bake a pie
• tailgate
• decorate for fall
• have a bonfire
• make s'mores
• go to a haunted house
• wear rain boots
• give thanks

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

{You're pretty much my most favorite of all time in the history of forever}

FRIENDS

F -fight for you
R - respect you
I -include you
E -encourage you
N -need you
D -deserve you
S -stand by you

friends who are there for you, both in good times and bad, is a good sign of loyalty. finding people who are authentic can be difficult, especially if you've sometimes been let down by others. but healthy relationships are those who don't live life purely for their own self-interest, they take pleasure in seeing you happy as well.

friends don't play divide and conquer. not since they were 10 anyways.

"Great minds talk about ideas, average minds talk about events and small minds talk about people."

when I was listening to these dudes talking to each other today, I heard about 50% ideas "lets gap the stairs?", 40% events, "dude, did you see when Tanner Fox gapped 20 stairs?", and 10% talking about people "I love it when Jake Angeles wears his helmet in to Chic-fil-a," most of which was praise.

they weren't two faced: they don't slate their other friends who aren't there, because they have values that they adhere to "Love your tribe", and because their teammates are important to them.

they don't group chat just because they want something. you know the type, the ones who only contact you when they have a favor to ask you. friendship based on bribes is not a friendship worth their time. they don't get taken for granted time and time again. they already are huge believers in give and take. they care about each other as people and are always wondering how they're doing, even at school and off the ice.

these dudes don't succumb to the idea that money, looks, rank and credit are everything. they didn't chose each other based on physical attributes or popularity either.

and they trust each other, are honest, and respect each other. honesty is a quality that flies under the radar sometimes especially among friends. intimidation makes them feel unwilling to criticize them when it matters most. sometimes we need to be told the absolute truth. not rude or horrible, a good friend would rip into your actions with a touch of love.

{best friends: you laugh, i laugh. you cry, i cry. you fall, i laugh then i fall too because i was laughing so hard.}

i think my favorite part about their friendships my boys have developed is that they are there when they're struggling to improve any area of their lives, and make sure they are there during their victories too. they don't pick and choose when to be friends like they're at a pic-n-mix candy shop. they motivate and inspire each other and know that they will do the same for them.

i personally know that i need friends, they're worth putting in time, effort, money, sweat and tears. 'friendship' to me means all of these qualities above and part of my patriarchal blessing said to "consciously seek out the kind of friends i want to spend my time with."

choose your friends wisely: quality takes precedence over quantity.

Play

Winning face-offs 

Scoring goals

and posting some photos from Boise last weekend...Marko was on the ice for 10 of the 11 goals scored for our boys.

After his practice tonight I rented a movie that was about age and our common assumption that younger is always better. Surprisingly smooth, unwrinkled skin and ungraying hair isn't everything.

Of course, when that skin and hair belongs to Blake Lively, it's not easy to have much sympathy at first. She plays the role of Adaline, a young woman with a big secret. Turns out that Adaline, though it is the present time, was born in 1908. She married, had a daughter, lost her husband and then, at 29, almost drowned when a car accident landed her in frigid waters. Somehow, a scientific process involving a bolt of lightning both revived her heart and stopped her from aging.

Looking like a young Blake Lively forever might not seem much of a problem. But it's a lonely existence, because once she hits 45 or so, Adaline arouses suspicion. She has to basically live on the run, changing identities every decade. She also can't live with her daughter, who's aging normally, which means she can only live with her dog — or succession of dogs, since each will die, sadly, at a normal rate.

As I watched I thought I might enjoy the notion of being youthful instead, because that’s a completely different thing. In fact, that’s something I can actually achieve.

Youth refers to how someone looks; it’s a reference to their body. Youthfulness is a reference to my life energy—a much nicer thing to strive for than my long lost youth.

My yoga teacher says that she can tell your “real” age by how flexible your spine is: If you can still bend it, flex it, and roll it, if it’s still malleable and fluid, you’re doing fine.  (Whether you’re 20 or 70, this is a realistic goal we can all try to attain!)

I agree with her, but from the viewpoint of my own point of view. Youth is something that’s present in your eyes. It’s a way of being in the world, of interacting with it and placing yourself in it.

It’s something you can see in a person’s energy rather than their skin—a liveliness and interest in their environment that regenerates itself.

If I want to stay youthful, I don’t need to go under the knife. Hey, I don’t even have to leave home. I've figured out I need to sustain these three simple-yet-much-more-magical-things.

1.  Play

Play means you’re having fun. It’s the polar opposite of work. Somewhere on the path to getting a career and “growing up” we forget that.

What does it mean to play with something?

• To engage
• in a light-hearted way
• to discover and explore
• without expectation
• or being invested in an outcome.

All of my favorite spiritual teachers have a cunning sense of humor about life and bring it into their teachings as well.

Do you do anything fun with your time?

When’s the last time you discovered or did something new?  When did you do something without trying to get some kind of end result from it, just for fun?

I am thinking it’s time to sign up for that scuba diving course or join a local knitting group once a week. (I hear that knitting can be fun.) Remember: Fun is the process. It has nothing to do with the outcome.  Play. Discover. Explore.

My mom used to say, "Never, ever take yourself too seriously." To ensure long lasting happiness, make this a primary way of interacting with the world.

2.  Desire

Desire is the energy that propels us forward.

It makes us want to stick around to see what happens next. Even a monk who desires nothing is driven by a strong desire—to desire nothing and connect with his higher Self.

Nurture desires. They can serve as the canon which continuously launches me into life.

When I wake up in the morning I ask myself:  How can I satisfy one of my own desires today?

Even if I have to work from 7-7:30 that day I can make sure that I do at least one thing everyday that I consciously chose to do because I enjoy it. It doesn’t need to be earth shattering. Take a long bubble bath, have breakfast with a friend, or write a post.

3.  Adaptability...

is the ability to adapt, to change.  Youthfulness requires me to be able to bend with life.

Case in point: Have you ever seen a baby fall over? Their soft little bodies are usually alright since they don’t break, they bend. 

The older I get, the more rigid I tend to become in both thoughts and bodies. Tension stiffens and leads to breakage. Like an old woman who refuses to change, rigidity about who and whatI am leaves no room for exploration. It means I'm old.

And it's a direct result of fear. Fear and presumption narrow down choices; they close things off to new possibilities and vitality. I'd rather take a risk every now and again. Step out of my box, even if it’s just a little step.

Youthfulness is about my vitality and spirit. I stopped chasing after that twenty-nine year-old skin years ago, embracing the wisdom that comes with age, and the next time I drive in a lightning storm, I'll smile. 

Head Space

Sitting in the sun

I believe that self-care is hugely important to living a happy, healthy life. It doesn’t have to be something big or extravagant or complicated. It’s just about getting to know your body and taking care of it on a daily basis. And I used to be worried about being selfish, until I remembered: I can’t take care of anyone else if I don’t take care of myself first.

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert, and I certainly didn’t invent this approach. This is just the method that helped me figure out self-care, and I hope it can help you too.

• Establish a baseline, a.k.a. stop putting poison in your body. This one may hurt, but cut out caffeine. Unless it’s prescribed by a doctor, cut out all the addictive stuff. Even if you only cut out caffeine for a couple of weeks, it will help you establish a baseline for what “normal” feels like. You might be surprised what you’ll learn about yourself.
• Make a self-care list. Write down everything you do (or could do) on a daily basis to care for your physical, mental, and emotional health. Start with the really easy stuff, like brushing your teeth, and go from there. Here’s my list to get you started: 

1. at least 8 hours of sleep
2. brush teeth
3. wash face
4. exercise
5. stretch
6. meditate
7. write a blog entry
8. eat at least 3 meals
9. take allergy meds
10. clean kitchen before bed
11. pack lunch for next day
12. massage! 

• I added a weekly massage to my list after attending the women and newborn conference where they talked about massages, and I love it! If you’re having trouble coming up with things, go through your day from beginning to end. What makes you feel better, physically or mentally?
• Figure out your priorities and make it manageable. This was the step that made a huge difference for me. Take your list and break it into three smaller lists: need, want, and bonus. The needs are things that are absolutely non-negotiable. The wants are things that you would really, really like to do, but you won’t be completely derailed if they don’t get done. The bonuses are things that you know will help you, but aren’t a priority.
• Don’t be afraid of trial and error. It took me some time to figure out my three lists. Originally exercise was a need and eight hours of sleep was a want. Then I started to notice that on days when I sacrificed my sleep to get a workout in, I almost always had a bad day. I flipped them, and it was a world of difference. I don’t feel as good when I don’t work out, but I don’t have the massive meltdowns I have when I miss my sleep. If you’re anything like me and you’ve spent years mistreating your body and mind, you might have no idea where to start, and that’s okay. Listen to your body, pay attention to what makes a difference, and make changes accordingly.
• Make your needs non-negotiable. No more binging Downton Abbey until one in the morning because it’ll be okay just this once. No more slipping up and forgetting to take your meds. No more working through lunch and figuring that two meals will be fine. Make your needs, and your health, your first priority.
• Use your energy wisely. If you finish all yours needs and you still have time and energy to start working on your wants, try to pick things in order of what will take the least effort and help you the most. I know my morning will be infinitely easier if I take the five minutes to pack my lunch, so that’s usually the first thing I do when I still have the energy. Mindfulness is pretty easy too. If you’re new to mindfulness, I highly recommend the app “Headspace.” A soothing voice walks you through ten minutes of mindfulness, and you won’t believe how quickly you’re able to relax into the practice. (I’m not selling for them or anything, I just really like the app.)
• Be ambitious, but don’t overwhelm yourself. My bonus column is pretty short because honestly, it’s pretty rare that I get to it. If you find yourself getting through all three lists and you still have time and energy, add more things! Even if it’s just an extra half hour of reading, add it to the list. That being said, if you find yourself barely getting through the needs, don’t beat yourself up. You’re on the road to self-care, and that’s the important thing.

Breaking it into these steps has made a huge difference for me, and I hope it can help you too. I’m still pretty new to the self-care game, and it’s not always easy. Some days I can get everything from every list done and still feel great. Some days it’s a struggle to get all of my “needs” done before collapsing into bed. I think (and hope) it’s one of those things that will get easier with time. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

My Happiness Isn't Dependent On Anyone Else's

What Katie said when I asked her how she had Markus' phone...

I stole it

Lol I think she stole his heart too. :)

Annual Trek

Silver Lake 2016

Being on top of the world really does help you feel as though you're on top of the world.

Blissful Ice

On Wednesday last week something special happened to me. I made time for my friend. It is not something that I tend to do, but I am learning. We went to breakfast and as I watched her beautiful face light up while she explained a photo shoot she was working on, I wanted to hold the moment- just freeze it there in blissful ice. For two hours we sat under the umbrella of friendship, chewing on our life’s stories with the avocado toast. 

Between the two of us, Nicole has lived longer. She will turn 45 next month. She has been a cancer survivor for over two decades. We call each other soul sisters. She loves designing and writing and has started her own business. She loves swimsuits and recently bought a new puppy. Nicole was an assistant with Laurie at Children's Miracle Network for a few years, so she mastered creating, being employed, communicating, and keeping a secret. She has traveled the world and caught joy everywhere she went. When her sister-in-law's husband passed, she was able to keep her head afloat by leading her young women – and her own daughters. Afterwards I heard about the passing of a boy's mom, who was on Max's hockey team two years ago, and Jackson wrote, “Kind, courageous, and loving are a few of the many amazing traits that she had. Her work-ethic, support, and love have helped shape my values and form who I am. I'm so fortunate to have had her as a mom and know that she's touched so many people's lives. I'll miss her so much.” I wished I had been around her more.

48 hours in Boise

Forks Restaurant Sliders for brunch

Beautiful fall day to explore downtown

including this fun bookstore

ice world

Center #87

Markus' coach Beau put him in as center for the games today and he loved it. I asked him how he felt afterwards and he said, 'pretty good'! 

He won the majority of face-offs and scored two goals and had an assist. I love watching him play! 

BWW

All these beauties eating dinner after their first game in Boise tonight...

Not One

but two emergency c-sections today. They walked in the door of the women's center and five minutes later we were going back to the OR. One for fetal distress, one breech. And Kiel took his newborn baby "Wyn" home from the hospital in California.

Slow down Llewyn–Emily just gave birth to you yesterday.

I kinda feel like I just gave birth to my boys then too. SLOW DOWN. But really–I dig this age.  I feel like I finally understand why I had to go through the baby and sleepless years:  This is the reward.  I mean, I love my boys at every stage, but certainly some years nearly killed me.  Now that my boys are developing into young-version human beings…It’s all making sense.  There was a purpose behind the pain.  I LOVE who they are becoming.

So…I’ve been thinking a lot about these years–and how I can be the mom they need right now.  You only know I’ve messed up enough in every other stage, and I only hope they can forget about my mistakes.  But these days…these teenage years:  They’re short!  Today my youngest son's a teenager, and tomorrow he’ll be packing for college (Heaven willing. :))  He won’t forget these years, and neither will I.  So, what’s my role as Mom?  How can I help the most?

1.  A safe place to figure themselves out.
It happens almost every day, and sometimes many times a day:  Teenagers are always changing.  They will change their clothes.  Their mood.  How they walk, talk or what they’re into.  Some days they just need to figure out what feels right.  Some days nothing feels right.  Being a teenager is hard.  Sometimes my greatest job as Mom is to act like I don’t even notice.

2.  Boundaries.
My boys need to know what is absolutely ok, and what is absolutely not.  They may resist rules, but deep down they feel safe when there are clear-cut rules without exceptions.  Make them clear and consistent, and have absolute consequences in place for when they break rules.  Boundaries =Security. 

3.  Freedom.
Within those boundaries, teenage boys need the opportunity to stretch their wings.  Teenage boys should be encouraged…Even pushed–to try new things, to take some risks, to find adventure.  Given enough opportunities for healthy adventure, they will avoid a lot of trouble.  (Remember–“Idle hands” and all of that…)
Keep boys busy doing character building, exciting activities and watch them become men before your eyes.
Side note: **My personal Mom-motto has aways been “With Freedom comes responsibility.”  The minute my boys act in irresponsibly, they will lose freedom.  So the freedoms I give are taken very seriously.  

4.  A Listening Ear.Boys need to talk.  Even the quietest ones will open up when given the chance.  Get them alone, in the car or wherever I can, and make it clear that I WANT to hear about their interests, and their lives.  Being patient, and trying different times and places until I figure it out.  I push through the ‘awkward,’ and bring up subjects that make my boys squirm (hello puberty!) but no one has died yet.  This makes it clear that I am OK with any and every topic and I will always be available and comfortable talking.
**When asked what he most needs from me, this was the first thing my oldest son named.  A Mom that can listen and not criticize or manipulate is a really valuable thing. (call me a work in progress here.)

5.  A Sense of Humor.
This is the good stuff.  Teenagers…are hilarious.  This may be my very favorite thing about these years.  No more knock-knock jokes or bad made-up jokes that never seem to come to a conclusion.  Teenagers actually GET STUFF.   There’s hardly anything like the bond of a good laugh with my boys.

When one of my boys come out laughing and want me to watch a funny Vine or YouTube Video, I drop everything for it. Or a running-man-on-that-beat dance party in the kitchen.

There is plenty of FUN and FUNNY entertainment out there if you look for it. A good sense of humor will get them through many trials in life–So I encourage it.

6.  Touch.
Yep, my teenage son will likely pull away from me physically, and that is normal, albeit painful.  But even the most rigid, sulky teenage boy needs hugs from Mom.  I don’t make it awkward and keep a distance.  I created a “hug a day” rule that makes it routine and normal.  He loves it, even if I don't initiate it he will keep it. Like tonight in front of his friends at dinner after his hockey game. It was quick and almost imperceptible but it was there.

7.  Genuine interest.
What do my teenagers love?  (scooters and hockey) I love it too.  Or know at least enough about what they are passionate about so that I can have a decent conversation.   This keeps doors open greater than any other gesture I can make.

8.  Forgiveness.
Teenagers will make mistakes.  Lots of them.  They’ll act selfish.  They’ll space out.  They’ll get insecure and do stupid things because of it.  They are going to mess up so much I’ll wonder where I went wrong.  I know it’s coming, so it won’t throw me off.  Consequences may be in order, but so is a whole lot of grace.

9.  Direction.
Listen Mom: teenagers actually WANT me to give them guidance. Sure, they’ll act like they don’t, but they do.  Got it: relevant, and as brief as possible, but when I see them facing forks in the road, gotta go ahead and speak some good solid words of advice to them. Usually I quote someone they might respect.  They’ll thank me, I think.

10.  Encouragement.
It’s hard to be a teenager.  (remember?)  The world will yell and scream all kinds of negatives to my son.  So I'm his greatest fan, his cheerleader.  I believe in him with all my heart, and tell him that I do.  Every.  Single.  Day.  I’m not talking about phony, contrived encouragement (Everyone is awesome!) but the authentic kind that finds their greatest giftings, and speaks them boldly.

11.  An example.
They're watching.  They get a lot more of an idea about what is right, wrong, good and bad from what I do than what I say. Since I don't want them to swear I have to make sure I do the same.

A common key to pretty much everything I have named is to stay involved in a teen’s life.  To listen, or discipline..to share a joke, or a hug…you need to be in close proximity to your kids.  For those days that I work long hours or cannot be physically involved in my boy’s lives, I send snapchats  to creatively find solutions for this.  I feel like I will never regret making sacrifices or adjustments so that I can be present for my boys when they need me.   And the thing with parenting is–I'm never really sure when they’ll need me. Max needed my car to get to hockey practice tonight, so when I came home from work he had made dinner, finished his homework after his first practice and was loading up his bag for his high school practice afterwards. Even though I was exhausted from my physical and emotional day at the hospital, I knew he was exhausted too from getting up early to take a makeup test from when he was in Colorado last week and coming home to finish a bug board that was due today too. I sat and watched his practice. After we came home and I made him a snack, he gave me a hug that told me I was putting my role as mom before anything that I possibly could, being there as much as possible. 

hockey is cool

Grandma

{my sister Lara became a GRANDMA today!!!}

{Her oldest sons oldest son}

Kiel and Emily are smitten...

Life was meant to be celebrated!!!

{Murray Family celebrated a 4-0 victory over Skyline tonight}

Someone I Love Was Born Today

{My brother Adam - chance taker, adventure seeker and fiercely loyal friend.}

Pulling up memories is a strange task. The big things come back easily, the day we spent surfing, Darlin coming home from the hospital and you ran away because you wanted a little brother instead of a sister, you breaking your arm playing broom ball, your wedding day and the day your son Erik was born. Our road trips, you riding your motorcycle to my wedding, you coming to see me after I had Morgen, your bad bullet bike accident, your first real house, your second marriage. Along with countless random holiday memories. Like when you were maybe seven-years-old and upon having your birthday gifts pulled out of a bag behind your back, with Mom saying "Surprise" every time she would lift the gift over your shoulder. And your face looking surprised each and every time, never losing its hilarity to those who love you. 

It's also a bunch of little bits and fragments. Your kook-a-roo cowlick hair that no amount of LA looks gel could tame. Your love of GI Joe (who stole my Barbie's shoes) and trains and experimenting with explosives. The affliction that we don't share; a ridiculous spelling sensitivity most notably expressed when you were writing a poster for the door to our dressing room and wrote the same part of the word "beware" twice. At that time I was spelling it for you and we were interrupted by Laura spraying my hair with enough hairspray that I'm surprised the EPA didn't show up at the door. I told you to spell it again and the result "B E W A R E W A R E FO DOG" you posted was remembered for, well, a long time. 

I remember the names of your girl friends, Jenny, Stephanie, Cindy, and Nikki. As well as your real friends, Spencer, Jim, Shandell and David. I remember mom and dad reading to you, "I will not eat the beets. I do not like the beets." There were summers in the sprinkler and tree house and trips to Duschutes River. Winters building snow forts, sledding and then years for cheering for you from the stands as you played hockey. 

As expected of big brothers, you were an intimidating presence who made it difficult to have a boy over or a phone call in peace. And you have turned into a guy who is cool, and wise beyond his years, full of life and adventure and who I love. There are many things I'm grateful for in life, but you are one of my greatest joys. 

My wish for you over the next year is that you'll continue to pave your own way so I can be inspired by your bravery. That you'll keep working hard and kicking some butt in all that you do so I can continue to be inspired by your drive and intelligence. That you'll stay handsome and strong and keep being kind to people who've fallen on hard times. Because in Adam's world, homeless guys get a slice of hot pizza, everyone gets treated with dignity and big tips and I get to be the little sister of the coolest guy there ever was. 

As you come closer to the end of your 40's I hope you know how proud I am to call you my brother and my friend. Happy birthday, now if you could run out and find my Barbie shoe, we'll call it even. Love you, Atom.     

Made Well

ARTFUL

The tuck of a foot, the roll of a puck,

the blade of a stick—it’s the little things, as they say.

COOL

Hard to describe but instantly recognizable.

Sleek

In a skinny-jeans-with-a-jersey-sweater kind of way.

ALL BOY

I’ve always believed in watching freely and

frequently of the boys playing.

UNEXPECTED

Small details you notice up close, like a skate edge.

EFFORTLESS

The dictionary defines it as “requiring or showing little or

no effort.” Now that’s how I like to watch hockey.