First day of December. I can't wait to enjoy a few festivities downtown over the next few weeks. Right now I'm most excited about doing some gift shopping (I always love the chance to check some items off my christmas list.) And, I'm excited about the first presidency Christmas devotional. I've never been to one! Five years ago I never imagined my life as being like it is today. If I hadn't written about it, I might not remember all that has taken place. I am grateful.
Do you still blog or write in a journal?
I was given a journal as a marriage present. I never once wrote anything negative in it. Not a single bad word about anyone. It's like there were too many messy things in the closet. Writing them down would be so hard. Yet writing without mentioning them seemed to feel artificial. So the book remained a sort of gratitude journal I guess. Trying to focus on the positive was an accurate record of how I felt at the time.
As soon as my marriage ended, even that first weekend in November after he left, I pulled out that old journal and began writing as I sobbed:
"I am sadly ending this journal on a very sad note. He's gone. How did I get here? I want to feel comfort, safety, peace. I need to have faith in my life. I want to feel whole. I know I do not need a spouse to feel peace and happiness...to feel OK just being a daughter of God."
Although I didn't think I could, it felt so good to do it. I am in the process of reclaiming my voice, thus the fact that I am willing (and able) to write anything at all.
My voice is getting stronger and stronger. And even though there have been days since that I have shied away from recording anything in my life, I want to keep writing. So I can remember.
What a difference five years makes. It makes me think a lot more about journaling. I think there's something extra going on that I'm just starting to realize. I see that it demands I am true to myself. It demands vulnerability. It's very hard to fake anything in a journal. It's a record of my soul. And I think the act of writing in a journal or blog (or the inability to write in it) can reveal a lot about me, if I allow myself to admit it....
