What's New?

"Well, I'm here to release you, and extend the calling of visiting teacher, for the Relief Society" said Bishop Downs, sitting in his office after church in December.

"Will you accept?"

I knew a release was coming. Was kind of looking forward to it, actually, though I would miss the chaos and the spirit in primary.

"Of course I'll accept it." I told John, then grinned.

Bishop did his patented 'You are amazing, you know that?' sigh and head shake, then admitted "I know." Then he straightened up, said "Thank you for accepting the call to serve, Sister B. The Lord will bless you for your service."

Less than half an hour later I was texting Shawna, having taken an allergy tablet, and breaking the news about my calling to Shawna. "But that's MY dream calling!" Shawna wailed in mock grief and some genuine frustration, then we chatted and commiserated and worried in tandem about our sons', our callings and just what else was coming up, unexpected or otherwise.

"And we get to hang out in Relief Society together when I get back from my stake YW calling," she said.

She has ward conferences this month. And has New Beginnings to attend.

This month, I'm on my own in the deep, scary ocean of Relief Society. Without a lifeboat, or handy inflatable life vest.

I'm way out of my comfort zone once again.

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Morgen has moved all his clothes over to Ben's house. I have no clue about what to do for him, or even if anything needs to be done.

Being the parent keeps me up too late at night, both physically and mentally. The ship is rocking beneath my feet, as if the waves are being pulled by a handful of demanding moons, and I have no idea which way to go or what to do to be the Mom the boys need me to be.

My hours at work are long and tiring. I work part-time - and that is more than enough - with the 12 1/2 hour night shifts I've been working. I had a melt-down last Friday. An ugly "I've had it and I'm cold and dirty and forgot to take the chicken out of the freezer for dinner and I don't WANT to cook dinner and my house is a mess and I'm TIRED TIRED TIRED TIRED SO EXHAUSTED" kind of meltdown. I didn't pack the boys lunch (parenting fail), threw my scrubs across my bedroom (temper fail), had to scrub my hair to get the poo and pee off (of which - I realised was from giving an enema - I wore gloves and a gown but no hair net, so major hygiene fail right there).

Shawna texted later that evening, and gave me a well-deserved pep-talk. She said something which right up to that moment I'd forgotten - "You cannot do everything on your own."

"What can I do for you? What do you need? What can I help with? Why can't I pick up the boys from school? Huh?" As I told Shawna, it hadn't even crossed my mind that it was an option. "What do you need? Dinners? Laundry? What?" I have no idea. I just do what I do, what needs doing. I don't think about it, apart from scheduling it all in my head, I just move and try and get it all done. "You have to realise we don't live alone. We don't have to go to every single thing. You don't have to go to the Primary meeting tomorrow! You're not in Primary anymore! You don't have to go to the Stake fireside tomorrow night. Just take the weekend and do nothing. NOTHING! You've overdone it, gf."

It was a shocker of a week and day. By the time I crawled into bed, I was scraped empty. Nothing left. No tears, no temper, just the hot mixture of failure and exhaustion. Saturday was only a little bit better. Saturday was when I realised just how seriously I had overextended myself. I did the grocery shopping, took Max and Marko for haircuts, and that was it. My energy was nonexistent - I was fried.

Sunday I felt a little better. My floors were unswept and sticky, laundry was piled in five separate mountains, but I had slept in until 8am, and woke to snow dancing down the sky and grey clouds kissing my bedroom windows. I didn't emotionally or physically feel like I was slogging through a swamp. I laid in bed for a while, talking to myself for the past two weeks' stubbornness and failures, cautiously tested the ever changing borders of my comfort zones, then did nothing but enjoy the sound of snow and the feel of stretching on a slow Sunday morning.