I used to wake up in the morning feeling tired. Already bored with the day in front of me. Bitter that life was not moving in the “right direction.” Waiting in anticipation for Friday to appear, only to be disappointed that nothing fun was on my agenda.
The days all blurred together. The weeks turned into months. The seasons changed. Another year went by.
Planned vacations were always something to look forward to, and, in general, life was uneventful.
And I was not at peace.
When I wasn't at peace with myself, it was difficult to relate to anyone around me. Relationships suffered. Friendships went by the wayside. I felt alone. Completely and utterly alone. Miserable.
It was often hard to smile.
At certain moments, I'd see a sparkle of light, it did not hang around as long as I'd like it to.
I dreamed that something would “happen” in my life that would force me to wake up. Take notice. Make a change. I didn't realize I had it in me all along to go in deep and take action all by myself.
For me, it was a combination of both.
On the afternoon of August 5th, 1995 at 3:23 p.m., I gave birth to my little baby, Morgen.
I remember waking up in the middle of that night with him laying by my side thinking, “Oh my, there is someone that needs me in order to thrive.” Although he was growing inside of me for nine months, nothing really prepared me for that moment. All of a sudden, I was a mom, and it was no longer about me. There was another life for which I was responsible.
And what a beauty he was.
He became my shining light.
The days were no longer boring. Every minute had a purpose. And as he grew, he became my most influential teacher.
The days were not boring to him. He was in awe of everything he encountered.
Prudence getting potty trained was absolutely the most hilarious thing he had ever seen.
And at three years old, he knew exactly what he wanted at any given moment of the day. The glory of being a child.
I decided to be a child again. I decided I was going to wake up beaming with joy every morning and go to sleep feeling content with myself and with my life.
{A word... Making my son my reason for feeling needed and/or loved was dangerous, and as such Morgen felt a huge responsibility for my happiness. In my innocence, I had accidentally placed a heavy burden on him for my mental well-being. I have read that a lot of first time mothers do this; and single mom's, as well. I realized my mistake when he was about 10 years-old and I made baby steps to rectify it. Today he knows that he is not responsible for my peace of mind. His happiness is not centered around making ME happy, that never worked for either of us. Contentment I now know, is found within. I let my boys be little boys, not caregivers for my discontent. No one can be my reason for living, having Morgen was simply the moment when I woke up and the best day of my life.}
I don’t keep track of the days anymore. Mondays feel like Saturdays. Thursdays feel like Fridays. Every day is special. Every day has purpose.
I eat nourishing food my body needs in order to thrive. I make sure I find time to myself every day.
I love what I do.
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| {You help me see the beauty in everything} |
- The smile on Markus' face when I pick him up from school.
- The way Molly leaps down the stairs.
- The glory on my son's face when he won his first running race.
- The tranquility of the Grand Canyon on our way home from Phoenix.
- The flowers blooming in our yard each spring.
- And the uniqueness of every human being on this planet.
Traveling and new people, new places, new insights, new experiences help me beam with joy every morning. While I enjoy every day to every extent, I can hardly wait to go on the next adventure. Last year it was Arizona, this year I hope to volunteer in Costa Rica or Kenya or Rio possibly through my work/study nursing school program. It turns I did pass my pharmacology class with a "B" and as such will get to remain in school. I am not sure what my story holds, I hope it holds many adventures that I have yet to realize. Thank you for sharing your story. It makes me smile. I have been given the gift of my boys and the sunshine they add to my life and I am so incredibly grateful to have found the thing that makes me feel content every night and that is traveling with them. Everything is amazing through their little eyes. Explore. It's MY word for 2014. :)
What makes you feel inspired in this new year? I’d love to know.
