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| {I believe in the magic of Christmas} |
People may expect certain things from me, yet I am the one who chooses whether or not I internalize those values and make them my own.
About 6:35 this morning, I was in the second hospital room of my shift taking my patient's blood pressure (or vitals) who has been hospitalized for ten days with mild-hemiparesis, one sided numbness in his body. He told me it has been one of the worst times of his life. The uncertainty is agonizing. It was due to cancer and that led him to rethink the truths in life. As I went about my day, changing his brief every 30 minutes, he was so insecure that in order for him to feel he was right, that his point of view was legitimate of him being the most important person in the hospital, he needed me to agree with him and his way of thinking.
What I have learned over the past two years of working at the hospital is that it is okay for other people to have different points of view, and if I truly believe something is a certain way, it doesn't matter what others think. I have begun to trust my own value system.
Each of my patient's today believed that they were the most important. Not all seven of them could be helped at the same time. Things are different on each shift.
I try to write down on my "brain" (really a piece of paper with each patient and their needs) their top five to ten things I need to do for them. Sometimes they change, sometimes they stay the same. By listing the tasks that are most important to get done that day, I am choosing to focus on them and work on them.
The more acutely ill the patient, the more they will affect my time.
Sometimes I have patient's that call at the same time, not because they are dying, but because they both think they need something at once.
For example, the man above was swimming in his bloody bowel that leaked out of his brief and literally pooled around his entire body, and I found myself working more on him and having less time for my other patient's. The other patient wants my attention and pulls on their call light for a drink of water. I want them all to feel like they are important and I am responding to their needs and that pulls at me.
The more my first patient is being fulfilled, the more integrity I have with regard to that value. On the other hand, I am not taking care of my other six patients with as much integrity as I would like to. This rift between how I'd like to honor my patients leads to a loss of integrity.
That loss of integrity is the cause of lowered self-esteem.
If I have low self-esteem, that means I need to go back to my "brain" and reassess how I can rearrange my work load to feel like I am living with integrity based on what matters to the patients.
Is it really that easy??
I wonder if I can possibly keep up with the demands of the day based on all the varied values.
What helped me today was to challenge all-or-nothing thinking. Sometimes it seems like if I can't do things all the way, it's a non-accomplishment.
Integrity is built from a pattern of small and consistent actions. Little changes can indeed build into big changes. One step at a time, a little bit each time, really does work magic. I worked on taking care of each patient, one at a time and asking for help with the other call lights that came up along the way. Which is really hard for me, to ask for help. Especially when I know the nurses are short staffed as well. What works is when I know I am living my values with integrity and doing, maybe not my best, but what I can do with the time I have.
- Know my values
- Know when I have a conflict
- Know that actions back up values
- Learn how to ask for help
I have learned to ask myself what am I willing to sacrifice? Since I wanted to start this new career, I had to learn how to let go of other things. And when I did decide to give things up, I did it without feeling guilty. It was my decision.
I see myself as a unique woman who has a ton of resources.
It helps to use the words: "I choose to _____________" instead of helpless things like "I can't because ___________". I have a choice. I decide the circumstances. At the same time I have a litany of voices in my head with excuses why I can't do something. Those voices don't want change. They want to keep the status quo. I listen to my heart and not my mind.
I'm authentic, if I don't want to do something, I say it. If something is important - I go for it. I visualize and plan on finishing my RN degree in eight months. I know I will have more integrity when I only have three or four patients assigned to me instead of seven or more as a CNA. I know that I touch countless people's lives every single day, even if I am not blogging or tweeting about it. Just like George Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life, kind things have a ripple effect I can't possible measure.
All these warm fuzzy feelings meant very little to me as I drove home alone at 7 pm Christmas day, wishing that I could have experienced the day differently. Once I picked up my boys from Ben's, the next natural step was to actually create those experiences - not what I should do, what I really wanted to do.
Love in action today. Doing something kind for others. That is what I came home to, as my friend Shawna had brought me dinner. Even if she didn't recognize it, she made a positive difference in my world. She said it was no big deal, but even the smallest seed of love is valuable because it can grow. She reminded me that I deserved it. I have not always been able to say this, but I have let a lot of moments slip away while I was curled up in my head wishing I was someone better. But those moments have passed, and in this moment, I was so happy I cried. I want that love for you too. I know you deserve it.
This has been uncomfortable for me, to be honest. I've yet again split myself open. But this time I'm not trying to change what's on the inside. I'm just here telling you that I am flawed, like we all are, and that's not only okay, but beautiful.
Much love and light to you from someone ever learning what love really means. Merry Christmas.
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That's a picture of my table, the way my friend decorated it while making a whole ham in the oven, cheesy potatoes, salad, homemade rolls, slushy, chips and dip, and cheese and crackers - all because she is thoughtful! I am forever grateful for friends and I thank you for being one of them!
