Even though Morgen is a transfer student he still went to the new student orientation after moving into his dorm room and I didn't think I'd learn anything new at college orientation with him. I went with my son to SLCC orientation two years ago, plus had first-hand experience. However, in "Supporting your College Student" presented by Dr. Kari Ellingson, Associate Vice President, Student Development at the University of Utah, I wished I'd heard her advice before I sent him to college. What did Dr. Ellingson have to say that I wished I knew before I sent my first son off to college?
One:
Children go through changes. But, if it's your first child going to college, or your last, you will be going through changes, too. We are in the process of changing our relationship from parent to child to adult to adult. We go through transitions, pushing them away and holding them close.Two:
A student who works 10 to 15 hours on campus will do better in school than someone who works off campus, or doesn't work at all. Students working on campus are making connections with the campus, student, and staff. They are completing their identity as a student first. Students born from 1980 to 2000 are known as millennials. They don't like to suffer-they love nice things-and they don't mind working for them. Unfortunately, this can interfere with their education. So, if they want spending money, suggest a job on campus.
Cell phones according to Dr. Ellingson, are "the world's longest umbilical cords." Some students call or text their mom five to seven times a day. In our day, we waited in line for the phone down the hall on Sundays-when long distance was cheaper-and horror of all horrors-there wasn't such a thing as a cell phone! Don't let your child's crisis become your crisis. Let them problem solve. Ellingson's example was a daughter who called her mom and said, "I flunked my midterm. The professor hates me!" After consoling her crying daughter, the mother called back later with more advice. The daughter was like, "Huh? What are you talking about? Everything's fine."
They are learning to become themselves. Making new friends. They will be grieving and letting go of high school friendships, but will build new and deeper ones. A main developmental issue is finding their identity. Their core stays the same, which has been developing over the past 18 years. But, how they express themselves changes. They may try on new identities by copying new friends to see how it fits or feels. You may say to yourself, and hopefully not to your child, "Who the heck is this?" Then you meet their new friend, and say to yourself, "Oh, now I see who this is!" Intellectually they are still developing. They see things differently than before. They love to debate. They will try out their debating skills, or how to express themselves by choosing opinions contrary to yours, even if it isn't what they truly believe.Four:
Five:
Dr. Ellingson talked about independence: "Their first steps as a toddler are towards you. Every step after that is running away from you." They need to discover how to be on their own-and this is one of their fears. Delayed maturation is common. It used to be people matured around 19, 20, 21. Today it's 26, 27 or 28. They will say to you "Leave me alone!" Then, "bail me out!" This is normal. The pendulum will swing back and forth. Just remember to love them, guide them, but let them figure it out. The more we solve their problems, the more we delay their growth into independent, responsible adults. And one more thing, "GO, UTES!"
