There’s a tried-and-true tip I’ve often heard from seasoned counselors, one of which is guaranteed to keep arguments fair, gentle and in-the-moment (rather than relying on cheap shots and past scripts), and it is simply this:
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| Avoid two words: (1) Always and (2) Never. |
There are a few obvious reasons here, one of which being that neither of the above words are often true. Does your son really never do the dishes? Are you really always picking up dirty socks? Is your teen truly always on his phone? And so, as of late, I’ve made more of an effort to steer clear of these mounting exaggerations, certainly in an argument, but also in everyday language, and in my own self-chatter.
It has since, oddly enough, transformed my parenting.
It is no longer “You never finish your carrots!” or “You always forget your keys at your friend’s house!” and is instead, something a bit gentler, a bit kinder, a lot more true.
It is a small difference, the tiniest shift. But it makes for a giant space between frustration and exasperation, between correction and shame, between simple mistakes and complete failure.
It is surprisingly hard to do, leaving out the two words.
Last week, as I'm coming home from work, I’m buttoning my coat and adjusting my seat belt and re-buckling a shoe and starting the car when Markus announces he is up snowboarding with his friends.
Why do you always forget to tell me? flies through my mind, and before I can embarrass myself, the littlest voice in the back of my mind reminds me not to say “always.”
(Sometimes, parenting is little more than training a 40-something-year-old to sound precisely like your conscience.)
