In this beautiful world, most everyone has holes that are punched into the fabric of their lives by painful past experiences, tearing their souls. At lunch on Wednesday with Laurie, I was inspired to heal my holes, so they can't limit my life and prevent me from reaching my potential. I know God doesn’t want me to have holes; He wants me to be whole: full of the power to fulfill all of His great purposes for me. In praying with Laurie over the delicious pork tacos that she invited me to come and share with her - I thought of these ways to fill the holes in my life. I looked into the hole of religion. Religion that doesn’t reflect the reality of who Christ is leaves me with holes that point to rituals and rules as ends in themselves rather than as ways to express my faith in Christ. When I did have religious holes in my soul, I struggled with guilt, mistakenly thinking that Christ won’t really love me because I sin differently than someone else, or that I constantly have to impress Him in order to come unto Him. I believe in Christ because of people who have earned my trust, and I didn't always distinguish between sinful people and Christ, who never sins. My belief in Him couldn't lead to any real change in my life because it would escape through the holes in my soul before I could put it into action.
I stopped trying to earn God’s love through how well I'm performing my primary president calling, and instead felt the unconditional love that He offers me. I feel my Savior's love in all the world around me. I'm relying on Heavenly Father's power working through me to live faithfully; not my own limited efforts. When I was laying in the recliner giving blood at church later that same day, I was hit with the reality of learning from these good, good people in the church, at the same time allowing them to be human and realized I need God’s grace just as much as they do. I trust that when I pray about how to relate to different people, God’s love will cover each situation and work it out for the best.
I feel like I can grow closer to Him and become the person He wants me to become once the religious holes in my life are filled.
While it’s fine to enjoy the various roles that I've been given to fulfill in life -- from my personal roles (like mother, sister, or friend) to my professional role in my work – if I define myself by those roles, I'll get more holes in my soul. My identity as a daughter of God comes only from my relationship with God; only that can truly fulfill me. My roles can bless my life, but only my relationship with God can actually change my life in the ways that matter most. My roles, while important, are temporary. My individual worth as God’s beloved daughter is eternal. Even when all of my roles have been taken away, nothing can ever separate me from Heavenly Father's love for me as one of His daughter's.
I realized, while watching and listening to my friend Mindy through the course of her birthday lunch on Friday, that your relationship with God is all that ultimately matters in your life – and it’s enough, even if you don’t fulfill any other role in life than simply a person whom God loves. So I made a conscious decision not to let my roles define me, even though I enjoy them, I realized that while I may lose them at any time I'll still be okay. I want to invest the best of my time and energy into growing my relationship with God, like my friends, I can see that’s what’s most important in life. I have watched her for years as she has derived her sense of personal worth from the knowledge of God’s great love for all of us.
I read this today: "Distinguish between your experiences and what life circumstances you’ve gone through, but your story is the journey that you and He have taken together in your life. Painful past experiences may punch holes in your soul, if you let the pain they’ve left you with hold you back from fulfilling God’s purposes for you. Past experiences may limit your life and potential, unless you invite God to fill the holes that they have left within you."
I can heal the holes from past experiences. While I look past the pain of the painful experiences I've gone through I can learn the valuable lessons that God wants me to learn. I understand that my marriage was not a failure because it helped me get to know Christ better. I believe what success means from God’s perspective is drawing closer to God in the effort to serve Him. My home teacher, Steve, said goodbye today as he leaves with his wife to fulfill an inner-city mission. He was a great example of someone using that definition (instead of the world’s definition of success) to consider past experiences from God’s perspective and see how worthwhile they really were. He told me that knowing God is the greatest experience you can ever have, so whenever an experience teaches you something more about God, it’s a blessing. I love that.
I know what God thinks matters more than anyone else in life. I can heal from all these holes in my soul because I have come to the end of myself, and I look back to see that none of my own efforts were enough to heal me, and I'm choosing to rely fully on God for the healing I need.
