Daily Diary

{Street Hockey}

Today I woke up to the sound of my alarm at 5:55 a.m. It was my morning to work. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and sleep for another two hours. But, instead, I got up and pulled on my scrubs and drove to work. I clocked in on time and one of my patients asked me if I was always "so happy and smiley in the morning". Getting up wasn't what I wanted. But I did it. Today.



Today was the sixth time to the doctor in the past month for my boys. It was right after work he needed to be at Primary's. I wanted to shower, to change my clothes, to eat something. But instead I took him. I listened to Morgen talk all the way there and back. My broken armed boy. Together we got his cast taken off and he said, "Thanks Mom." Being the driver wasn't what I wanted. But I did it. Today.



Today the birds chirped wildly through the open kitchen window. Their beautiful songs seemed to remind me of the invites, the laundry, the dishes piled up around me. I wanted to slam the window and silence the singing; I had so much to do. But instead I put on my flip flops and sat on the swing to watch the boys playing street hockey. With each shot, I got closer to what mattered and farther from what didn't. Letting stuff wait wasn't what I wanted. But I did it. At least today.

{Max making Cheesy Bread}

Today I threw some frozen hamburger into the pan and boiled a pot of spaghetti. It looked plain and boring. Max wanted to add some pizazz and make his Cheesy Bread that he learned how to make in cooking class. I wanted to suggest we make it another time. But instead I ran to fresh market for a loaf of french bread while he prepared the garlic, parsley, butter and cheeses. I wanted to question my cooking skills when I saw his beautiful creation that came out of the oven. Instead Markus said, "Let's eat outside on the picnic table! Everything tastes better outside!" Offering myself flexibility wasn't what I wanted. But I did it. Today.
     

Today I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror while brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed. It was clear that lack of sleep and stress had left their mark. I wanted to remove each wrinkle, punch each pucker of soft skin. But instead I looked away and thought, "Not today. Only love today." Loving myself wasn't what I wanted to do. But I did it. Today.

Today I wanted to tuck Markus into bed as quickly as possible. It had been a tiring day and I just wanted to read. He asked if I would watch him. Reluctantly, I sat on the stairs and he jumped up two and then three stairs at a time. "Feel my heartbeat," he said. As I felt his heart pounding in his chest, there it was. 

My confirmation. 

To chose to stay when I want to read. 

To chose to listen when I want to lecture. 

To chose to love when I want to hate.

To chose flexibility when I want structure.

To chose hope when I want to doubt. 

To chose to walk when I want to stumble. 

Today I did it. 

It wasn't what I wanted. 

But I share the same heartbeat with three precious boys. 

And today I was choosing them. 

Today I showed them what is important in my life. It is them. I can't imagine my life without them. They are what I could not bear to lose. They are what holds my attention. They are what lights up my world. I choose them. And they noticed. My heart is overflowing with joy.

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As I look forward to celebrating Memorial Day I want to remember to be fully present and connected to what really matters...whether it is for 30 minutes, three hours, or the entire day, those minutes can make a difference. I know someone will notice. 

I promise to make memories, not to-do lists. Feel the squeeze of my boy's arms, not the pressure of over-commitment.  Be overwhelmed by sunsets that give hope, not extracurricular commitments that steal joy. Noise to be a mix of laughter and gratitude not the buzz of cell phones and text messages. Let go of distraction, disconnection and perfection to live a life that simply consists of what really matters.