Favorite?????

{My seventeen year old son graduates from high school next month.}

A few years ago, I wrote a post on joining the club. I was not alone in the realization that daily distraction had the capability of preventing us from truly knowing the people we love the most.

I am sharing this as painful as it is, because it saved my relationship with my son. I want to tell you how easily daily distraction can take priority over relationships that mean everything.

The truth hurts, and heals.

My oldest son gave a talk today at church. He sat on the stage in his white shirt speaking words about how the Gospel has made a difference in his life. I'll admit I cried. I'll admit to tears when we sang the closing hymn "Love One Another", but there was something more. Something very painful that I have not allowed myself to fully acknowledge until I saw my sweet son standing at that pulpit.

As he stood there with that beautiful smile looking directly into my eyes, I felt the urge to fall to my knees. I wanted to thank God that I wasn't sitting at the graduating seniors of 2013 sacrament meeting looking at a son I did not know. I wanted to thank my Heavenly Father for waking me up before I sped through the last seventeen years of his life not knowing what I was missing. I wanted to thank Him for giving me a second chance.

Because I had been frighteningly close to missing it.

I lost a couple of years of it. It wasn't because of an illness, or because I was in a fiery plane crash. No, my tragically two year absence was of my own doing.

This is not one of my shining moments as a mom, but I am writing it down to remember. To remind myself that I was on the edge of losing something so sacred that I could never get back. I want to remember how I saved my relationship with my son...

When my oldest son was born I fell utterly and completely  in love with him. I wanted to spend every waking moment with him, I just couldn't seem to get enough of him. And in spending time with him, I got to know him, really know him.  

When he was three-and-a-half-years-old, his little brother came along. By the time Morgen went to first grade I had spent the previous two years as a stay at home mom, having quit teaching ice skating and moving into the home we live in now, living solely for my babies and my family. 

So when Morgen went to first grade I tried to put on a brave face and tell him what a great time he was going to have at lunch and with three recesses! As I walked him in to school on the first day, he said, "I know why you are so excited for me to go to school, it's because I will be gone all day." I stopped in my tracks and hugged him so tightly, so he wouldn't see the tears streaming down my face. I said that I was trying to be excited for him but really I was going to miss him so much. As I got back in the car to drive home I had to sit for five minutes until the tears cleared away enough for me to drive. Even now, I cannot put it into words without crying.

I know you are not supposed to have "Favorites" as a mom, but I have three favorites. Morgen will always hold a special place in my heart. When my second son was two-years-old he was with me all day long after Morgen went to school, my son with curly blond hair who smiles with his whole entire face and has a voice like an angel. 

Max was so good, so content, and so "easy", that he allowed me to shuffle him around on errands. He didn't complain. My sweet two-year-old just went right along with life, my heart, my focus and my constant companion. He had no idea how much space he occupied in my heart. And then he went to school. 

By the time Markus was two-years-old, I had a nagging feeling about how I was doing too much outside of our home. Since my older boys were both in school and he was no longer a "baby", I dove into things that stimulated my mind, allowed for use of my God-given talents and engaged me in conversation with other adults. Activities I thought I had been missing. My sweet Markus just went right along with my over-scheduled life.

As you probably know, once I displayed leadership abilities to the school and church, I began receiving multiple callings (requests really) to head things up. Ward Y.W. first counselor (Youth counselor) Stake Y.W. Athletic director, Primary teacher, Primary President. School room mom. And with each successful event I felt drained. I felt like I was doing good for so many, while my family was getting lost. I felt like a failure. I had taken on an identity other than "Mom". The one thing I really wanted to be when I grew up. 

So I stopped.

At least for awhile. In 2006, I put the brakes on when I read a book called "The 12 Secrets Real Moms Know". I was asked to describe my children (not what they DO for sports or hobbies) and be as descriptive as I could about who they are as people. It urged me to take a breath and re-evaluate my life. To reconsider how I was spending my precious time. I realized I couldn't push my boys off my priority list forever, making time for them only when it was convenient for me. 

But I seem to have gotten back to my bursting-at-the-seams calendar by the involvement needed at school, at church, and in the community. I completely forgot about the fact that these activities were consuming my life, my health, my happiness and my well-being  I didn't notice how much my activities were costing my teenage long haired boy and my family. 

And then one July day, my Breakdown Moment occurred when I finally got a phone call admitting the REAL answer to the question friends continually ask me. 

"How do you do it all, B?"

With tears streaming down my face, I forced myself to admit that in trying to "Do It All", I missed out on life.

And then with the kind of pain that takes your breath away, I realized my teenage son, who was in serious trouble, was the greatest victim of my attempt to "Do It All". 

In that painfully honest breakthrough moment, I hoped for things to change. I hoped I would change. 

And by the hand of God, things have changed. 

In the days between July 2011 and now, I have been making up for lost time. I have come to know my handsome curly haired boy in ways I never could from the couch, from behind the screen of a computer, while talking on my phone, while watching TV, or while I was multi-tasking. It is only a fraction of what I will come to know about him in the years to come. I couldn't truly know him when he was last on the "To-Do List" of my silly over-scheduled life.

The only way I could know him is to spend time with him. Talk to him, listen to him, really listen and listen some more, and do things together that have created lasting memories. I had to do these things with all forms of technology turned off.

And nothing pleases me more than to introduce you to my amazing son, Morgen...

I know...

He is ticklish right in the back of his neck, in that little spot where his muscles connect his head to his body. 

His last molars are coming in so that the final brackets can be put on his braces that he has had on his teeth since he was eight years old. 

When he laughs too hard, he can't breathe. Which manages to make him laugh even more. 

I know...

He has this deliriously happy laugh when he is tormenting Markus and watching him cry. 

He says "awesome" for things he thinks are very cool. And I can't bear the thought that someday soon he will be in his own "awesome" apartment. 

He truly believes that he will get his pilot's license and fly for an airline when they pass laws to not drug test for marijuana. 

He refers to the scriptures as "resources" and makes the exact same reference every time he wants to prove his point: "1 Timothy 4:4-16"

I know...

He would choose his beloved "guys" Mike and Steve over any toy he had when he was a toddler. 

He believes in the power of love and will spend an amazing amount of time hugging his dog Molly. And his cat Moody.

He offers to help me make dinner, and then magically disappears when it's time for the dishes. 

I know...

He gets this melancholy look on his face when he hears stories about himself as a baby.

He will instantly hug me when he walks in the door and he doesn't let go.

He can't quite get all the chords on his guitar but his riffs sound like the stairway to heaven.

He listens intently to Frevk by Dmndz and wants me to listen on his awesome $300 Beats by Dr. Dre.

He doesn't want me to watch the video though since he says, "it is not exactly appropriate haha." 

I know...

He makes his hands hang down when he rides his long board. 

He thinks he doesn't need a helmet to ride since he is not going to hit his head when he falls, just his arms. (That is how he broke his arm, hit a rock going down the hill in front of our house.)

He loves to go get ice cream from Cold Stone.

He gets overly excited when waiting for a ride to his friends.

I know...

He is an excellent crepe maker except for the fact that he eats all the berries before they make it inside the crepes. 

He loves to be with his friends...the more the merrier.

He used to tell me that he was going to miss me when he was gone on his mission. 

He was terrified of someone sneaking in his window and always asked if the windows were locked.

I know...

He puts the dishes away where ever he wants.

He voluntarily asks to do his court ordered community service on time. 

He attributes working as a bus boy for his upper body strength. 

He potty trained himself and was obsessed with reading about Prudence. 

I know...

He somehow smells like candy even when he hasn't showered for three days.

He draws amazing cartoons and action stories. 

He actually made my heart stop when he came in my room this morning, wrapped his arms around my neck and whispered, "Love you Mom." 

This is only a fraction of what I will come to know about him in the years to come. 

And when my handsome, seventeen-year-old son stands proudly at his high school graduation next month, I can say, "That's my son Morgen, I know him. I know every good and bad and precious and miraculous thing about him."

And through my tears of happiness, I will remember how close I was to missing it all. 

Thank Heaven for second chances.

Cause when I was living life distracted, I was missing more than life. 

Did you just read what I said: When I was living life distracted, I was missing more than life.  

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{Mother's Day 2013}