Selfless

The stream of giving has taken on a different personality in my mind. Instead of gently bubbling along, encouraging me to give like Jesus, it has become a swirling current that threatens to drown as I try to give and give.

I never was about forcing my sons to share while on the other hand I carefully check the caller ID before picking up the phone to make sure it’s not someone who will need anything from me. Lately I’ve been struggling with how to share my time. I often feel spread thin, strung out, tired, fatigued, overwhelmed, frazzled, wiped out, beat. In fact, the other day when my friend came to meet me in the park to pick up her two kids that I’d been babysitting all day, she said to me, “B, you look like a mad woman.” It wasn’t until that moment I realized I had left my house in a not-clean shirt, with not-clean hair (since I hadn’t managed to shower before the little darlings arrived). I still had my wits about me enough to feign humor and say with a smile and a laugh, “Well I feel like a mad woman.” She may not have read through me, but the Lord looketh on the heart and he knew that I was saying it in a passive-aggressive way, hoping she wouldn’t ask me to watch her two kids again any time soon. Anyone who has ever taken care of children can probably imagine my lack of energy at that point.

However this is where my confession starts. Even if she had asked me to babysit again, I still would have said yes, because that’s all I know how to say. Years of membership in the church hearing lessons about service, giving, and Christlike love, have conditioned me to say yes no matter what my circumstance. I say yes first then try to work out the details later. I have been taught that if we take care of others and give selfless service, we will be blessed with peace and joy. How is it then, that the promised peace and joy is sometimes so hard to detect?

I do want to help. It’s just that the line between doing enough and doing too much is murky. Sometimes I can’t see it at all until I’ve crossed it and I’m desperately reaching back to the other side hoping someone will be standing on the shore with a life preserver to toss me. A life preserver that phones the people I’ve now decided I don’t have time to help. It should be very diplomatic, knowing how to back out of commitments without hurting anyone’s feelings, and most importantly, saving me from the feeling I’ve let somebody down. Unfortunately this doesn’t exist. Once I’ve crossed that line, I give and give, oh give away my energy until I’m dog-paddling down that little stream, and finally find I’m floating on my back in the waters of obligation I’ve made for myself that come lapping up, making it difficult to breathe.

The answer to all my questions has got to be the gospel, the Savior’s. In opposition to our society always telling us to: “Take care of yourself first,” the Savior showed us the example. When his disciples were trying to protect him from the multitude of people, although his stomach may have been empty, his feet likely aching and weary from walking, he chose to let the people come and be near him so he could meet their needs. He did give and give . . . away. And he invites us to do the same, but with His help, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden . . . Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me.” Then He promises, “I will give you rest . . . and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30).

I believe those promises; I’m trying to have faith in them. He will certainly help us help others. He will keep us from drowning in the giving stream. But I don’t always know how to access or reach for the lifeline He longs to give me.

I have no doubt there are many of us flailing in that current. But I’m hoping someone can tell me how you allow the Lord to help. Have you felt that begrudging grumble after having made an effort to give of your time, talents, and energy?

Early in my life, the lesson was thoroughly engrained in me that if you give your word, you keep your word. Period. Maybe that’s why I’ve had to rediscover the word no. I think we (meaning I) say yes because I don’t want anyone to know that I’m really a train wreck of a person who can’t take on the small responsibility being asked of me. Oh, the vanity!!

So, having stressed myself out to the point of no return, I want to start saying no. And, frankly, saying no can feel pretty good! The Lord is aware of the desires of our hearts. He knows. It all feels so complicated and wrenching to us, but He knows. He knows what “mad women” we feel like sometimes. He knows we WANT to help. He knows we can’t possibly do it all.

I think that’s why I like the fact that charity is not defined as concrete action and quantifiable results. Charity is defined as the pure love of Christ. Pure love. Love does not always mean action. Love does not always mean in-action. Love can be manifested in actions. It can be manifested in feeling. The Lord knows if we have true charity.

Even though it’s hard for me, forgetting what everyone else thinks is key to finding your right place in the world-to not be more afraid of what man thinks about us than what God thinks about us (as a good friend told me). That place will certainly include serving and babysitting and making meals… but it will also include personal time, and family time, and communing with God. I’ll figure out that balance someday.