Joy

The longer I live, the more I become convinced that my personal happiness isn’t actually connected to my success in my career, success as a homemaker, success as an athlete (whatever my next race results will be) or even success as a parent ... and the longer I parent, the more I realize that spinning myself (and my boys) silly to make sure that my they experience this kind of “success” over and over won’t necessarily translate into joy, either. I see successful students who are constantly overwhelmed by others’ expectations, reaching for that next “A” in the way an addict might search after a fix. I see successful business people who sacrifice time and peace and sanity on the altar of the next big promotion. I see successful homemakers who spend so much energy keeping a perfect house or preparing excellent meals that they’ve lost the ability to relax and enjoy their families.

But it’s good to work hard. It’s good to get impressive grades. It’s good to be rewarded in our careers. It’s good to have a clean house. It’s good to magnify our talents and share them with others. Right? Of course right. So, as I’ve been thinking about happiness and success and how they pertain to both my life that I am trying to create and the lives I’m helping my boys discover for themselves, I’ve started paying closer attention to people who are really joyful and content.

Studies have shown that up to 50% of our overall happiness level–or our happiness “set point”–is genetically determined. But if genes account for only half our happiness, what can we do about the other 50%? Through a little bit of reading and a lot of observation, this is what I’ve noticed: happy people have a sense of control over their own lives, happy people are brave, and happy people work hard to maintain their connections with others.

I am thinking of a friend who has talents that are less likely to put her in the spotlight. She isn’t a dancer any more, but she’s always loved kids. She chose to have the number of children in her family that feels right to her (a few); she’s brave, and parents these children in the way that SHE knows is best, rather than being swayed by the opinions of others; she maintains close friendships with a few women in her neighborhood who she knows she can trust, and because she is kind and thoughtful, these women are kind and thoughtful to her in return. Not everybody in her neighborhood or ward knows her name, and she’s not invited to every party, but she’s happy and fulfilled. Like most satisfied people I know she has claimed the life she wants for herself and  is living it productively, no matter what that life looks like on the outside, and she isn't nearly as motivated by applause as the less-happy folk. I admire her. There are times, when I allow fear to rule me instead of faith, that I find myself worrying too much over the future in my life. I won't allow myself to listen to the lie that my child’s perceived lack of star power on the baseball field must inevitably lead to a less-happy life.

When I thought that way, I signed them up for too many extracurricular activities. I got mad at them for having bad handwriting. Five years ago, I orchestrated play dates for my oldest son with boys who I knew in my heart weren’t really Morgen's type. And when I allowed myself to listen to that lie that "I" must be a certain type of woman in order to be perceived as successful, I said yes to things I wanted to say no to. I got caught up in others’ opinions of me and spent less time on relationships with mutual respect, mutual caring and mutual honesty. Not unconditional, dysfunctional relationships. Too often, I had misunderstood unconditional love as meaning unconditional relationship. There is a subtle but important distinction. In short, I don't clean when I’d rather be reading anymore.

I know that I am happiest, and my boys are happiest, when we are being ourselves. Inward and satisfying— it doesn’t feel like a burden that must be maintained, but instead seems like a whole and satisfying aspect of the real life I’ve chosen for myself. I forget this all the time, though. I forgot it just today. So I’m writing it down now, and hoping that you can help add to my understanding of what makes a happy life.

How do you find joy in your life?