No Do-Overs

~4 years ago

Four years ago today, Ben moved out. I wrote about seven months later, a "What not to do in marriage" post about all the things I wished I could do-over. It was my confession. Things I know I could have done better in marriage. 

As I wrote it, I remember thinking I would post a follow up with a list of things I wish he would have done better or differently in our marriage. A list of things that compelled me, to react in unhealthy ways, things that caused resentment, etc. That list would be completely different than the list I was currently writing. I know now that every success and failure of any relationship is two-sided. Yes, I don't get any do-overs. And neither does he. And while his personal list of things I did may be completely different, I wanted to share my own perspective.

I hope that by better understanding me in my failed marriage, I might better understand myself and the people I'm with in the future.

1. For some reason, we stopped being young. We stopped going out to concerts, and parties, and everything else we did when we were first dating. We stopped spending extra money on much of anything. We stopped so many of the things we did as young people, and life got boring with each other over time.
2. My love language is touch. In fact, touch is way up on the list. Not just in the bedroom though, but rather the touch of a hand. At the bottom of my list are verbal affirmation and receiving gifts and no matter how much we talked about love languages, it seemed that he felt a 'thank you for all that you do' was how we would get over or past anything, while he would have nothing to say at the dinner table after being gone to work all day, when really all it did was drive me further away because my real love language was being ignored.
3. In the beginning sex was so fun. But inevitably, over time, sex became a chore. In the future, I’ll make one rule about sex. And that would be that there are no rules about sex. No schedules. No hurdles. No begging. Just let it happen when it happens.
4. I was often considered property. His wife. His last name. His problem to fix. Sometimes I felt like he looked at the 10% of what he liked in everyone else (that I didn’t do) and completely overlooked the 90% of what made me awesome, all while pressuring me to be more (or less) like someone else. All this usually did was make me feel unappreciated and resentful toward him, and toward others who didn’t deserve it. I definitely didn’t like it.
5. I’m not generally a prideful person. But for some reason, he didn't think to do or say things to try and make me feel like he was proud of me. If I did well in a triathlon, he’d train even harder and take swimming lessons until he got there. But the truth is, while he may have felt some sort of security and satisfaction in being better than me, all I really needed was a 'good job, I'm so surprised that you beat me' instead of the way he sometimes did it in such hurtful and unhealthy ways.
6. I’m motivated. I like to believe big things can happen for me and the person I’m with and then I like to work for them. And for some reason he felt the need to tell me why my desire to go back to school wouldn’t work, why I didn't need to have another baby, or why I should give up on goals altogether. He wouldn't tell me I couldn’t do it. Just all the reasons why he wouldn't want me to. And you know what, it was one of the rare times I choose to fight about it, and being a nurse dream never became reality until we were finally apart.

So, there is my list. It is so many of my own needs and struggles that I wish I would have recognized and discussed with him while we were still married. Being married was full of good gestures, wonderful times, and lots of functional communication. I don’t want to forget that as I write about the “needed improvement” part of it all.