 |
| B ~ 1990 |
I can identify with the sweaty-palmed, sleepless expectation that comes with small leaps of faith– “Do I really need to take on this new calling?” or “Another move across the country?” or “Can I handle both part-time work and school?”– the kinds of questions that we all face from time to time. In this letter to my younger self, I'm giving advice about a decision I didn’t want to make at first, that required a leap of faith and changed the course of my life:
Dear B,
I see you in your car, parked in front of the temple on Main St. You're there because you're trying to make space for yourself to pray. You feel so negated, so erased that you're looking for space to call your own. But here's what you don't know: Sometimes it seems the Lord doesn’t really care what you want. He’s more interested in what needs to be done.
You pulled up to the temple and turned off the ignition. You sat in the quiet car and looked down at your hands as you fidgeted with your keys. Having just completed the ACT, you knew you needed to go to college, but was your performance on the test what you wanted? What about a mission? You’d always wanted to serve a mission. Didn’t the Lord want missionaries?
You sat in the car so long you began to get cold. You looked up at the temple spires and had the thought, “Wait and see.”
What I can see, over twenty years later, is that you still need time with yourself, to figure out what your thoughts and feelings are. When you sit with yourself alone, you can't ignore them. They come screaming at you. The only way to the other side is through it. You may have to go through pain, but on the other side is the good stuff. You are not alone.
I feel so sad to think of what will happen of you don't learn this huge lesson. You'll lose pieces of yourself along the road. You know how much you love to dance? You've danced for the fun of it since the time you were little. You went dancing with your boyfriends at Xenon in high school and rocked out with your friends at stake dances. All that joy is going to fall away if you stop dancing. Listen to your heart to keep all the pieces of who you are through to the future. In stillness is the present moment and your willingness to listen...to allow Him to speak. He is telling you to enjoy the journey, not the end result. Everything you want to happen is going to happen.
There is a song that will come out in about fifteen years from where you are now that I wish you could listen to today. Notice the beauty around you. Partake in joy. And when you get the choice to watch on the sidelines or to dance, get out there and dance.
Love,
B
