I’m strong headed – even more stubborn than when Ben knew me. I am strong and determined. These past few years I've felt often that I’m in the middle of nothing, breaking my heart and dreams against stone walls. But I've also felt that in the middle of nothing I'm somehow living a beautiful life with my boys, for them, because of them. It’s because of that determination, that stubbornness that today has been so nice. Because I look at Morgen, Max and Markus, wherever we are, and see the gift that they are. They’ve been given to me, and I've never let go of them. I’m stubborn and determined to share in their beauty, their uniqueness, their complexities and sheer insanity, as well as the frustrations, doubts and fears that go along with being their mom. And one day I’ll see them become fathers. And that will be another gift, in and of itself.
My boys are loved, adored, danced with, kissed while they are sleeping, hugged while they are awake, and whether they recognise the depth and eternal strength of my love for them is not the point. My boys and I, we have been through a whole lot of mess and destruction together, as well as excitement, crazy fun and contentment. I am proud of them, of being their mom, that we four are family, strong-headed, determined, faithful and looking forward with hope. Driving home tonight from Max's practice at the Maverick Center I looked in my rear view mirror and felt so proud that we find joy in each other, in being together, that we can appreciate our blessings, and celebrate whenever we are.
When we got home and we were eating a highly nutritious, hot and ready Little Caesars, Morgen took me by the hand and led me in a little impromptu ballroom dancing in the kitchen. I think it was because Markus had been telling us about the home videos of Morgen dancing that he had been watching. Tonight felt like a congratulations on (almost, kind of, mostly, perhaps, maybe, stubbornly, somehow) surviving this past year.
 |
| {This selfie brought to you by the completely safe driveway. Don't snap and drive.} |
