I coached my student yesterday at the Oktoberfest competition. My eyes were drawn to a lovely skater-to-be sitting in a chair. The stylist was adjusting the braid and asking questions about its placement.
I couldn't help but notice the anxiety in the young girl’s eyes. Uncertainty gripped her youthful, unlined face. I immediately recognized that pained expression – the one that screamed, “It’s got to be perfect.”
The stylist swiveled the skater around and now all I could see was the back of the girl's head. Her gorgeous waves of dark brown hair were being braided tightly, stifling their lively spirit. The pressure had begun – and it would not stop until perfection was achieved.
I could see decades of pressure ahead.
Suddenly it was no longer a nameless young skater sitting on that stool; it was me, my nineteen-year-old self in nervous preparation for her hair competition day.
I wanted nothing more than to take 1991 B by the hand and guide her away from the disapproving mirror and hair-do vigilante.
I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around my young, naive self and whisper words of assurance and love.
A counselor that I went to while I was going through my divorce told me after expressing some much needed comfort, that it was time to get serious. She looked me in the eye and said, “I have something critical to tell you. And it will affect the rest of your life.”
And then she did not stop talking until she said what she needed to say. These were her words:
What I am about to tell you is hard.
I see that you've felt a lot of pressure in your lifetime – pressure to do things at 110 percent performance level, pressure to look and act a certain way, pressure to be all things to all people.
And you THINK that the pressure is coming at you from all directions, but in most cases, it’s not.
That unrelenting pressure is from one place.
It is coming from you.
So in order to spare yourself a lot of stress and pain, I am telling you to take a step back.
Take a step back.
Here’s how she said to do it:
Unite with authenticity. When you choose friends with whom to associate, choose those who are real and allow you to be real. Can you be yourself around this person? Can you reveal your imperfections and remain loved and accepted? If so, friends like those are keepers. Surround yourself with those who lift you up, not those who bring you down.
Choose For Yourself. Refrain from making choices in your life in an effort to please others – your boss, co-workers, family members, and friends. Do what makes YOU happy. Do what makes you feel alive and fulfilled.
Be good to your body. Move your body each day because you can … and that is a gift. Strive to put healthy foods in it, yet don’t deprive yourself of life’s delicious indulgences. Spend time strengthening your mind, soul, and spirit rather than wasting precious time trying to look like a photo shopped image in a magazine.
Measure wisely. Strive for a measurement of success that is not tied to money, status, or appearance. Are you happy? Do you laugh often? Are your boys kind and loving? Have you made a difference in someone’s life? Did you accomplish something you didn’t think you could do? If the answer is “yes” consider this success.
Seek every day miracles. Spot a flower in the crack in the pavement. See messages in the sky. Wonder at the length of a child’s eyelashes. Trace the lines of your lover’s hand. When you focus on life’s simple joys, you connect to something far greater than yourself. This brings life’s petty inconveniences into perspective. Being late for an appointment, having a dress ruined at the dry cleaner, and waiting in line at the post office line suddenly aren't such a “big deal” in contrast to life’s miracle moments.
Let go. You are going to make mistakes – lots of them. Don’t keep reliving mistakes – that is cruel and unnecessary punishment. Learn from them, forgive yourself, and move on.
By now you might be aware that I was questioning her advice to take a step back (I am known to be quite stubborn at times). I argued that I like to please others, that I like to make extreme sacrifices for improvement, and that I like everyone to think everything is fine even when it’s not. And now here I was, four years later, stepping into the rink where my eleven-year-old student sat quietly unsuspecting of what she was about to see.
And with that wondrous realization, Toni twirled around the room with two of the greatest blessings in life.
As I delighted in this sweet moment when my past merged with my present, words of a counselor came back to me.
I took a step back. I don't need to prove how strong I still am in a race, or how competitively successful my students have become, or tell anyone the profound impact I have made on the world by engaging in endless volunteer efforts. In fact, I'd much rather do them in secret.
Because I finally “got it.”
