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| {Your eyes they shine so bright} |
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| {I want to save that light} |
Recently one night when we were having our jump at Get Air, as I listened to his deep thoughts and marveled at the beauty of his face in the darkened room, a heart wrenching thought struck me like a punch in the stomach. Why must a trip to the ER provide the inspiration to write him a love note? Why must the fear of never being able to talk to my son be the reason I tell my child exactly what it is that I love about him?
As I was about to leave his room after Get Air I called out one more time, “I love you,” just as I do every night.
But I wanted to tell him more. He needed to know more. He deserved to know more. And not because I am leaving. Please Heavenly Father, not because he is leaving anytime soon. Just because I love him, and he needs to know exactly how much.
So I sat down and wrote these words.
To my dearest Son,
I love your kind, compassionate heart.
I love that you are kindhearted and sensitive, and you cry when your heart hurts.
I love that you don’t stay sad for long, but instead try to figure out how to make something. Like the wooden box you spent so many hours making for me in wood shop. If I had to run out of our home in a fire it is the one thing I would grab.
I love that you cry for others who are hurt and try to figure out how you can make them feel better.
I love that you think deeply about things in life, and that you ask me questions and listen intently to the answers.
I love to watch you skate. It amazes me at how far you have come at hockey. I love that you never gave up on something that was difficult.
I love your kindness and the notes you leave for me.
I love how you teach your little brother so many things. You are so patient and loving with him.
I love how you are so outgoing and making friends for yourself and with your brothers.
I love how you think about God and how you try to use your God-given talents to help others.
I love how you support my dreams of being a Nurse.
I love how you are such a great assistant anytime I teach children at church, the rink or Boy Scouts.
I love it when you laugh so hard that you get tears in your eyes.
I love it when you think about your dad when he is at work and appreciate what a great dad he is.
I was about to conclude my love note to my son when I thought of how our family was ripped apart by my inability to say, “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong.” These are words I now make a point of saying to my loved ones. I have learned that words said in an unkind manner, even if they are accurate, are hurtful and warrant an apology. I decided this love note was the perfect opportunity to say, “I am sorry” and admit my mistakes because I am certain that I don’t do it often enough. The words “I am sorry” are beautifully healing. My son needed to hear them. He deserved to hear them. My love note continued:
I am sorry I don’t always take time to tell you these things that I love about you.
I am sorry when I do not make time to celebrate the million things you do right.
I am sorry sometimes I lose my patience over things that are meaningless and unimportant.
I will try my best to do better on these things that I am sorry about and that hurt your feelings. Thank you for loving me even though I make mistakes. Thank you for forgiving me.
I hope you know that being a good mom to you is my most important job, and I am thankful every single day that Heavenly Father blessed me with the job of loving you and raising you.
I am so proud that you are my son. Nothing makes me happier than to look at you, talk to you, and listen to you. You are the greatest gift my heart has ever known.
Once I completed the letter, I printed it out and tucked it under my pillow. I wanted to share it during Mom's day's breakfast in bed that he woke up early to prepare so he could have it ready for me before church at 9:00.
I started by telling him that I had written him a note and wanted to give it to him. He smiled and quickly stood up as if he didn’t want to be embarrassed.
He started by reading all the things I love about him. While I opened the gift he and Markus went to store to buy, with their own money from mowing lawns. I was surprised to find a FitBit all lovingly wrapped up in a beautiful bag.
His face immediately shined. The way he smiled reminded me of when he holds my older son’s excessively cuddly cat. In his eyes, I saw tenderness and love; I saw growing self-confidence and pride; I saw happiness that only true connection with another living being can bring.
While I ate the eggs and toast and strawberries that Markus helped him to make - he got to the apology section, and immediately dropped his head. His hair hung forward, and I could not see his face. Although apologies are often uncomfortable for the giver, it appeared that being on the receiving end was difficult for him. That made me realize that I don’t apologize often enough. He continued reading although it was difficult for both of us.
When he came to the conclusion of my note, his head popped back up and his beautiful smile returned in full force.
I waited to see how he would respond. I could tell he was thinking. But instead of saying any words, he simply leaned over and hugged me.
For some reason, when I wrapped my arms around him, they felt lighter. A weight that I hadn’t realized was there had been lifted.
Tonight not only does he know I love him, but he knows every single reason why.
And that, my friend, makes for an incredibly soft place to lay your head.
When is the last time you told your child or loved one what you love about him or her? Grab a piece of paper. Make a list; it doesn’t have to be fancy. Just say what’s in your heart today. Tomorrow has no guarantees.
