Healing For Life

When I came in to work today this was on the board:

Irene, Jean and Marcia are three of the kindest women I've ever met. I have said many times that working at the hospital feels like working at the temple and it is seriously because of people like these. I feel so grateful for their examples in my life, they live the healing commitments. Since it was the night charge nurse Jonathan who left this note for us, we decided to get together and take a picture to post on his locker and computer. When he came in for the night shift this is what he found: 

{Irene, Jean, Marcia and B} 

The commitments we aspire to provide to those we serve:

• I help you feel safe, welcome, and at ease.
• I listen to you with sensitivity and respond to your needs.
• I treat you with respect and compassion.
• I keep you informed and involved.
• I ensure our team works with you.
• I take responsibility to help solve problems.

One Fine Day

Say do you remember? 

The 21st day of September...

These fall days are beautiful.

* * * * 

 Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for what I have. I love being a mother.

The joy it brings to me is indescribable.

I love teaching my little boys about their worth and amazing God given gifts.

These boys and I truly have been given so much and I feel so thankful today.

I love to see them develop those talents and show gratitude for what they have.

Skating with {HEART}

I coached my student yesterday at the Oktoberfest competition. My eyes were drawn to a lovely skater-to-be sitting in a chair. The stylist was adjusting the braid and asking questions about its placement.

I couldn't help but notice the anxiety in the young girl’s eyes. Uncertainty gripped her youthful, unlined face. I immediately recognized that pained expression – the one that screamed, “It’s got to be perfect.”

The stylist swiveled the skater around and now all I could see was the back of the girl's head. Her gorgeous waves of dark brown hair were being braided tightly, stifling their lively spirit. The pressure had begun – and it would not stop until perfection was achieved.

I could see decades of pressure ahead.

Suddenly it was no longer a nameless young skater sitting on that stool; it was me, my nineteen-year-old self in nervous preparation for her hair competition day.

I wanted nothing more than to take 1991 B by the hand and guide her away from the disapproving mirror and hair-do vigilante.

I wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around my young, naive self and whisper words of assurance and love.

A counselor that I went to while I was going through my divorce told me after expressing some much needed comfort, that it was time to get serious. She looked me in the eye and said, “I have something critical to tell you. And it will affect the rest of your life.”

And then she did not stop talking until she said what she needed to say. These were her words:

What I am about to tell you is hard.

I see that you've felt a lot of pressure in your lifetime – pressure to do things at 110 percent performance level, pressure to look and act a certain way, pressure to be all things to all people.

And you THINK that the pressure is coming at you from all directions, but in most cases, it’s not.

That unrelenting pressure is from one place.

It is coming from you.

So in order to spare yourself a lot of stress and pain, I am telling you to take a step back.

Take a step back.

Here’s how she said to do it:

Unite with authenticity. When you choose friends with whom to associate, choose those who are real and allow you to be real. Can you be yourself around this person? Can you reveal your imperfections and remain loved and accepted? If so, friends like those are keepers. Surround yourself with those who lift you up, not those who bring you down.

Choose For Yourself. Refrain from making choices in your life in an effort to please others – your boss, co-workers, family members, and friends. Do what makes YOU happy. Do what makes you feel alive and fulfilled.

Be good to your body. Move your body each day because you can … and that is a gift. Strive to put healthy foods in it, yet don’t deprive yourself of life’s delicious indulgences. Spend time strengthening your mind, soul, and spirit rather than wasting precious time trying to look like a photo shopped image in a magazine.

Measure wisely. Strive for a measurement of success that is not tied to money, status, or appearance. Are you happy? Do you laugh often? Are your boys kind and loving? Have you made a difference in someone’s life? Did you accomplish something you didn’t think you could do? If the answer is “yes” consider this success.

Seek every day miracles. Spot a flower in the crack in the pavement. See messages in the sky. Wonder at the length of a child’s eyelashes. Trace the lines of your lover’s hand. When you focus on life’s simple joys, you connect to something far greater than yourself. This brings life’s petty inconveniences into perspective. Being late for an appointment, having a dress ruined at the dry cleaner, and waiting in line at the post office line suddenly aren't such a “big deal” in contrast to life’s miracle moments.

Let go. You are going to make mistakes – lots of them. Don’t keep reliving mistakes – that is cruel and unnecessary punishment. Learn from them, forgive yourself, and move on.

By now you might be aware that I was questioning her advice to take a step back (I am known to be quite stubborn at times). I argued that I like to please others, that I like to make extreme sacrifices for improvement, and that I like everyone to think everything is fine even when it’s not. And now here I was, four years later, stepping into the rink where my eleven-year-old student sat quietly unsuspecting of what she was about to see.

When she skated, two jaws dropped. After - words of admiration spilled out and embraced her with the kind of unconditional love her mom and dad always bestow on her. And when her mom commented on her skating she said, "I felt you skating from your heart."

And with that wondrous realization, Toni twirled around the room with two of the greatest blessings in life.

As I delighted in this sweet moment when my past merged with my present, words of a counselor came back to me. 

I took a step back. I don't need to prove how strong I still am in a race, or how competitively successful my students have become, or tell anyone the profound impact I have made on the world by engaging in endless volunteer efforts. In fact, I'd much rather do them in secret.

Because I finally “got it.” 

I {❤} My Boys

I’m strong headed – even more stubborn than when Ben knew me. I am strong and determined. These past few years I've felt often that I’m in the middle of nothing, breaking my heart and dreams against stone walls. But I've also felt that in the middle of nothing I'm somehow living a beautiful life with my boys, for them, because of them. It’s because of that determination, that stubbornness that today has been so nice. Because I look at Morgen, Max and Markus, wherever we are, and see the gift that they are. They’ve been given to me, and I've never let go of them. I’m stubborn and determined to share in their beauty, their uniqueness, their complexities and sheer insanity, as well as the frustrations, doubts and fears that go along with being their mom. And one day I’ll see them become fathers. And that will be another gift, in and of itself.

My boys are loved, adored, danced with, kissed while they are sleeping, hugged while they are awake, and whether they recognise the depth and eternal strength of my love for them is not the point. My boys and I, we have been through a whole lot of mess and destruction together, as well as excitement, crazy fun and contentment. I am proud of them, of being their mom, that we four are family, strong-headed, determined, faithful and looking forward with hope. Driving home tonight from Max's practice at the Maverick Center I looked in my rear view mirror and felt so proud that we find joy in each other, in being together, that we can appreciate our blessings, and celebrate whenever we are. 

When we got home and we were eating a highly nutritious, hot and ready Little Caesars, Morgen took me by the hand and led me in a little impromptu ballroom dancing in the kitchen. I think it was because Markus had been telling us about the home videos of Morgen dancing that he had been watching. Tonight felt like a congratulations on (almost, kind of, mostly, perhaps, maybe, stubbornly, somehow) surviving this past year.

{This selfie brought to you by the completely safe driveway. Don't snap and drive.}

Most Days

There is a change in the air.

I felt it this morning as I was kissing my boys goodbye before school.

We were on the front porch steps.

I felt that familiar crisp fall air and the smell that goes with it.

It is indescribable.

I am so excited about this change.

Just like the seasons, I too have changed, progressed and grown over these last few years. My life has come so far. 

I am so thankful for change.  It brings new breath and new perspective

on everything.  Sometimes change is unwanted, but we can decide to make

that change beautiful and worth our pain and frustration.

I hope I am doing that.  Most days I feel like I am.

Not all, most. 

{Sweet Grandpa stopped by our house today after school just to take us for ice cream.}

Hitting the Books

How I spent my day ...

Reading five chapters of Drug Therapy in Nursing. Test on units 1 & 2 was on Thursday and I felt like it didn't have very much from the textbook in it. I still got an 87.01% but next test I'm just studying the lecture notes. Just sayin'. 

You're The Best

I have lots of friends. I have friends I talk books with; go to movies with; friends I sweat on or near during Zumba; friends that know what I look like both when I’m feeling good and (especially) when I'm not, the way I know how they look at their best and worst. There are friends that suffer through the same exams as me; friends that I laugh and cry with; friends that live too far away and are buried deep in my heart at the same time. Some of my friends fall into one category; my friend Holly falls into the last. 

She came by to see me today after dropping her daughter, Emma off at BYU - Idaho. How do some friends stay in your heart even when you haven't seen or talked to them in person for so long? I don't know, but I like it. 

T.E.A.M.

First game for the Eagles tonight- I thought they played well considering who they were playing, however Max had some other opinions. He asked me on the way home how come the Grizzlies are always so good, and how do they pass so well? Do they practice that way or do they just know to do it? I didn't have any answers for him I mostly just listened and added a few of my own questions like what he liked best about the game and what he thought he could do better? He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I guess I liked that I was just playing hockey the best." He said he thought he could get better at talking to his teammates and working together as a TEAM: Together Everyone Achieves More. 

Final: 9-0. 

Lights Out

Last night I tucked my boys into bed.

Markus always says "mommy" right before I shut off the light. That's how I know something has been on his mind. Tonight he wanted to talk about the events on 9/11. He was sad about the people who died. I was sad too. We talked and I could see the worry on his face melt away. Max had brought it up when I took the boys for ice cream after I got off work at the hospital. They had wanted to go down the "Long" hallway on the way to the cafeteria and as we walked the 700 foot long corridor Max told me how he had learned at school today how many people had been rushed to the hospital that day in New York. I had been thinking about it earlier in the day as well since I hadn't been needed on our unit so I had "floated" to the ICU. It was an intense day and I couldn't help but think about how crazy it must have been in those days and weeks following the attacks in NYC. All of the doctors and nurses that worked around the clock to help those who had been injured truly amazes and inspires me.

The most important things are said right before I shut off the light. My boys tell me about something their teacher said, a scary story, drama with friends, a pain, a sickness, a tummy ache, a headache, something that made them happy or sad or whatever. I hope I will always be around so I can kiss my boys goodnight and I hope that Markus will always feel comfortable asking me about whatever is on his mind right before the light goes out. Even when he is a big boy.

I hope when the time is right Morgen will be a husband who will help his wife feel safe before she goes to bed at night. I hope he will reassure her, comfort her, push her, encourage her, and love her for all of her beautiful talents. 

One Line A Day

A condensed, comparative record for five years, for recording events most worthy of remembrance is what my sweet friend Nicole gave me for my birthday. She hosted my birthday lunch at her house along with Kelli's since our birthdays are just days apart. I'm excited to use this book. Inside it says to turn to today's date, and fill in the year at the top of the page's first entry. Here, you can add your thoughts on the present day's events. On the next day, turn the page and fill in the date accordingly. Do likewise throughout the year. When the year had ended, start the next year in the second entry space on the page, and so on through the remaining years.  

I thought about the last five years and how today's date might look like compared to the last five years. So here it is via One Line A Day format:

• 2008 {911} Morgen's drawing of the attacks on September 11. 
• 2009 The boys still had on their red, white and blue, clothes from school today, where they had an assembly and sang the Navy, Army and Marine songs. I asked them if anyone talked about what happened on this day eight years ago and they said, no, they just talked about serving our country at the assembly.
• 2010 There aren’t many events in life that leave impressions as unforgettable as this one was for me. 
• 2011 Whenever I think about 9/11, I can't help but remember the actual flag that I stood next to before the opening ceremonies for the Winter Olympics.
• 2012 I sat down today with my boys and turned on the news and we talked about seeing the aftermath-- the World Trade Center collapse. 

High School Hockey

Max has late night high school hockey practices. He doesn't seem to mind...until it's time to get up for school the next day. :) 

I think Coach Russ said they have enough players this year to have a varsity team and two JV teams. Such a great big group of boys. 

How I Feel Right Now

On my 41st birthday, I did something I had yearned to do all my life.

I took the pressure off.

I surrounded myself with those who lift me up …

I danced and sang with the ones I love and didn’t give a damn what I looked or sounded like on the top of a mountain …

I indulged and savored every sweet bite and didn’t count a single calorie …

I allowed my true emotions to flow freely at the unexpected efforts of my parents…

I remembered the miraculous fact that my parents and my children were alive on this momentous day and we were all together in one place …

As my boys and I delighted in this moment when my past merged with my present, words of a treasured friend came back to me from our phone conversation yesterday.

Holly said, “If I can have a baby at forty you can finish nursing school. You're strong and I can honestly say that forty is freedom.”

Forty is freedom.

Why yes, forty IS freedom.

The pressure’s off.

And by the grace of God, it’s not too late for me to really start living.

Sweet freedom, in deed.

************************************************

Sometimes my inner critic lead me to believe I was not a good enough wife, mom, or human being.

I feel like now is the time to let go of this unachievable standard and start loving myself right where I am today.

My friend, self-forgiveness is a powerful thing.

And it is not an exclusive gift for those turning forty something, nor is it something you have to get from someone else.

Taking the pressure off is a gift you give yourself.

My Best Year Yet...

started with a treat. My friend Shawna is seriously in love with Kneaders french toast. I mean, she wakes up on Saturday mornings craving it. Since this french toast is heaven in your mouth but not to your waist line, she reserves our breakfast outings for special occasions. And then… well, it is definitely worth the extra calories. :) For my birthday this year, she decided to give me the bread and syrup to make it at home. I googled the recipe and voila! Kneaders divulged the recipe on Good Things Utah in 2005. So this is the real deal. Hope you enjoy it as much as we did!

Kneaders Chunky Cinnamon French Toast

1 loaf Kneaders Chunky Cinnamon Bread cut in 8 slices (You can substitute this recipe for Cinnamon Swirl Bread – but leave out the raisins. Or you could use any store bought cinnamon swirl bread)
8 eggs
3 cups milk
1 Tablespoon brown sugar
3/4 teaspoon salt
1 Tablespoon vanilla
2 Tablespoons butter

Butter a 9 x 13 glass baking dish generously. Place the bread flat in the baking dish. Mix all remaining ingredients, reserving the butter and pour over the bread.  (Update: I actually didn't pour over the bread.  It worked out better to dip the bread thoroughly in the egg mixture, then place flat in the baking dish – too eggy the other way.)   Cut butter into pieces and dot over the top. Cover. Refrigerate over night or at least one hour (I think an hour is plenty, and if you still decide to pour the egg mixture over the top, you do not need all of it). Bake 45-50 minutes at 350 degrees. Serves 8.

Kneaders Caramel Syrup

She also took me to get a pedicure last night. I feel so spoiled to have such a sweet friend! 

I Believe This Will Be The Best Year Yet

Text from my sister Darlin:

A Lifetime of Days

This is not going to be a pretty post. Nope, nothing pretty about this one.

But sometimes life’s most meaningful things don’t come in pretty packages.

This is the text from my mom today ...

My boss's mom died this morning.

My mom has worked for Brad for over 13 years and his mom, Marcia, was recently diagnosed with cancer and not given long to live. She was a sweet lady and often came over to talk with my mom while she was working. Brad was especially close to her and had her move in with him for the past few weeks. I won’t lie. I was disturbed. She will be missed.

As a child, I couldn't bear to watch Bambi’s mother get shot, and I still close my eyes during that scene. I was the girl who tried to get the mean boys to stop frying ants with the magnifying glass. I still carry house spiders outside on a piece of paper (if they aren't huge). I just don’t like seeing anything die, regardless how tiny it is.

My son Morgen was given a fish as a pet for his fifth birthday. Just when I was about to declare the fish bowl experience as one of the best EVER, things took a different turn.

Things turned dark, as dark as they could possibly get.

From the warm and fuzzy connected feeling that is life at its fullest, we were thrust into the cold and heart-wrenching feeling that is death in its finality.

I had been nursing Max upstairs in the rocking chair and came down to see Morg playing with his finger "Teck Deck" skate board on the kitchen counter, and Mr. Fish, dead!

BUT….I had to be very careful. If I was too accusatory or critical, I might lose my chance, and I am talking about my Real Boy. You can’t buy one of those at the pet store.

“What do you think happened?” I calmly asked my son, my Boy, who also looked quite depressed.

“Mr. Fish wanted to ride the skate board,” he stated.

Oh that’s nice…blame it on the innocent fish…make it sound like it was his fault.

"Mr. Fish had looked lonely swimming in his bowl so I lifted him out carefully with my fingers and took him for a "ride" on my skate board,” he added.

Yeah. I think I got that.

Since fish tend to be slippery little suckers, Mr. Fish had suddenly slipped off the board and inadvertently been run over.

I went over to console my oldest son, who now looked like he had finally reached his breaking point.

“I just don’t understand, Mama. Why? Why did my fish die?"

And for someone who really did not know what to say, something quite good came out of my mouth.

“Morgy, Mr. Fish is just glad he didn't die in the pet store.”

Huh? Even I wasn't sure where this was going.

He stopped crying immediately looking at me like he needed more…wanted to hear more of my (potentially lame) theory.

“Well, your fish was chosen. That is what fish wait for…someone to chose them from all the others. You know, life doesn't really start until you get out of the pet store aquarium and actually have a home. While he was here, he looked out of the glass and not did see a store; he saw a home. He saw the same happy faces day after day. He saw that he had been chosen. So he died happy.”

He was considering. I was holding my breath.

The agony on his face softened, “You’re right. That would be terrible to die in a pet store,” he agreed.

The death of Mr. Fish was not something I thought I would write about on my blog. There is definitely nothing warm and fuzzy or inspiring about it.

But there is a soul healing here.

When I watched little fishy swimming alone slowly in his great big bowl, it was almost as if there was a sign on top that read:

LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

One day you could be going along quite happily and then suddenly you might find yourself fighting for your life, or worse, you might find yourself flat on your back, being run over by a skate board, wondering where your life went.

***************************************

When I was in Sun Valley my sister Darlin showed me this article {25,000 Mornings}.  It says if we use average life expectancy numbers and assume that your adult life starts at 18 years old, then you've got about 66 years as an adult. (84 – 18 = 66) Perhaps a little less on average. A little more if you’re lucky.

(66 years as an adult) x (365 days each year) = 24,090 days.

Less than 25,000 mornings.

That’s what you get in your adult life. Less than 25,000 times you get to open your eyes, face the day, and decide what to do next. I don’t know about you, but I've let a lot of those mornings slip by. 

***************************************

Morgen has grown up from the days with Mr. Fish. When we were driving back from the Orthodontist yesterday he showed me the bands that, if he keeps them on until the 10th of next month, he MAY be able to get his braces off. After ten years of teeth torture, that will be one morning to celebrate. 

LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

I can’t help but think about the fish that end up dying in the pet store, never getting out to see what real life and real joy look like staring back at them.

I think it might be a lot like dying with a cell phone or a to-do-list in your hand…like you “managed” life, but never got to the “living” part.

I told you this wasn't going to be pretty.

I get lost sometimes

When I heard a lady named Joelle recite a part of this poem in her testimony today, I had to look it up as soon as I got home. It was attributed to Maya Angelou but after a little searching I found it was written by someone else named Carol Wimmer. 

When I say, "I am a Christian" 

I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!”

I’m whispering, “I get lost sometimes

That’s why I chose this way”

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I don’t speak with human pride

I’m confessing that I stumble -

needing God to be my guide

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I’m not trying to be strong

I’m professing that I’m weak

and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I’m not bragging of success

I’m admitting that I’ve failed

and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I don’t think I know it all

I submit to my confusion

asking humbly to be taught

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I’m not claiming to be perfect

My flaws are far too visible

but God believes I’m worth it

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I still feel the sting of pain

I have my share of heartache

which is why I seek God’s name

When I say, “I am a Christian”

I do not wish to judge

I have no authority

I only know I’m loved

Ride Your Bike

Free yourself from life's confinements and enjoy every mile.

More smiles per gallon.

My little sister Darlin was able to return to her home and her friend Joyce - who is also a spiritual healer sent out an email. In it she said, "It's the complete and utter distortion of time that has vexed me the most.  Dates and days have been unfathomable, without substance and meaningless.  

 

We held our breath and existed in one expanded moment. We prayed that we would be spared, that our towns would have the opportunity to grow and flourish.  

 

Now, under magnificant blue skies, we are beginning to slowly exhale.  

 

While not wanting to lose the meaning of the experience, we are tasked with moving forward with renewed passion and vision.   

 

For me, the choice is that either everything has meaning & purpose or nothing does.  I choose the former.  

 

To think that nothing has meaning or purpose makes no sense." 

Darlin has read in the science of Numerology the year 2013, reduced to it's simplest expression, is the number 6 (2 + 0 + 1 + 3 = 6). She told me according to Faith Javane & Dusty Bunker's book, Numerology and the Divine Triangle, the keywords for 6 are: "family and social responsibility, service, love, compassion, counseling, healing, creativity".  

 

I saw the opportunity to manifest that energy was literally brought to their doorsteps.  In service and in Love, people opened their homes to those evacuated.  People brought cookies and sent bandanas and offerings of food to the firefighters at the Incident Camp.

 

In the local paper, Weekly Sun, writer Karen Bossick relates how just outside the immediate threat zone driveways throughout the valley "began to look like used car parking lots" as the community made room for the more than 3,000 evacuees. My sister was one of them. 

 

I saw the community rise to the best expression of the "6" energy. 

“It simply had to be. The clearing was necessary.”

 

Darlin's friend also managed to host a Bounce Back event which had someone offering Healing Touch, another woman doing chair massage and Joyce and her mini readings. She focused on conversations with all who came by to bounce back.  She created a "Silver Linings" sign where people left messages of the blessings they felt. Community members wandered around, talking about their experiences.  

The Incident Command camp is pulling out the remaining tents and tractor trailers today.  Darlin said most everyone is welcoming back the rhythm and flow that is natural for this time of year. They can breathe and we will forever remember the gratitude for having survived the experience. To all of you who prayed, thought good thoughts, made magic or simply held a space of love for my sister and her sun valley home: THANK YOU!!!

You may recall that Swiss Days is this weekend. I plan to take my boys today again like I did five years ago.  The flowers will be bursting forth, like they were on my bike ride this morning. Some changes in these landscapes as Autumn comes to greet us.  I'll be writing more this week. 

 

In the meantime, as the calendar definition of Summer comes to a close, I wish you Happy Labor Day and leave you with this from The Beatles:

 

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."