Numbers

I ran 200 fewer miles in 2011 than in 2010. I read 15 fewer books. I spent a lot of time doing things I don’t enjoy like sitting in long, boring, soul sucking meetings, waiting in line, scheduling appointments and cleaning. I gave up lifelong dreams. I walked away from opportunities I thought I wanted. I continued to be terrible at things like visiting teaching (or any activity in which I have to use the phone), making plans, and sleeping. I spent more time alone.

During the week, I get the kids to school, walking them to their classrooms more for PR than anything else.  Face-to-face contact with teachers and administrators is important. I grocery shop daily.  I do Zumba, I run.  I shower, do my hair, apply makeup.  Twice a week, I spend a few hours in the boys’ classrooms.  I teach for a couple hours of the day.  I cook for a couple more.  I clean up the mess from cooking for another hour or so.  I watch Amazing Race while folding laundry.  I oversee chores and homework. Yet, I still think motherhood, like service, and love gives more than it takes, fills more than it drains. Zakes Mda, a South African writer, said, “Our elders say that an elephant does not find its own trunk heavy.”

They’re my kids, my burden, my joy, my trunk and although I carry them everywhere I go (even when I’m alone), they’re mine and I’m grateful; so often uplifted more than pulled down and loved (always) more than I deserve. As 2011 is winding down, in a strange twist of fate, I achieved less but learned so much more. I know why I insist on keeping track of the numbers, I’ve always been good at math.